2008 is coming to a close. It is hard to believe how fast this year went. I look back and wonder what I accomplished and there are a few things. But I have decided to let this new year be a new beginning. No looking back, just moving forward. As Anne Shirley said, "tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it".
I have some goals for myself. They are not New Year's Resolutions. Just goals that I hope to achieve. If they don't happen, I won't beat myself up over it.
Here they are:
1) I want to be better at keeping in touch with my friends. Somehow life has moved so many of my favourite people around the world and I'm very bad about getting so wrapped up in what is happening in my own little world, that I neglect them. No more! This is the time when I want to renew those friendships and make sure they know how much they mean to me.
2) I am going to lose 15 lbs. Now, this is one of those things I might beat myself up over! I am going to subject myself to the fitness classes after school at Thom. I have lost 9 lbs already and there is no reason to stop now. I want to feel healthy in my body. Not skinny, just healthy. I don't feel that way right now.
3) I am going to relearn my French skills. In the last five years, I have really let them slip and it bothers me. There is no reason to let all of that training go to waste. I bought some books today. I'm going to tackle that ASAP!
4) I'm going to be a better recycler. I started that this past year and I'm doing better, but I am definitely not perfect. Crown Shred and Recycling is an easy way to do that, I just need to get at it.
5) Last, but not least, I am going to join a Bible Study. I haven't been a part of one in a long time. Some friends of mine and I have talked about it, now we just need to do it. If we don't, I'll join something else.
That's it. 5 goals that are important to me on this eve of a new year. I hope a year from now, when I look back, I can be proud of myself for achieving what I've set out to accomplish.
Yay for a new year!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Another "Chapter" Closed
I've had a lot of part-time jobs. This one was my second favourite...only next to Blessings and considering the sameness of duties, it isn't really fair to say I like one more than the other.
I left work today at 2:05 pm for the last time. I'll miss it. I love the atmosphere of Chapters. It isn't pushy, the music is nice, I am surrounded by books. The people I worked with were great. The managers were awesome and the floor staff was very helpful and friendly. I didn't want to be done, but sometimes life makes choices for us.
I am tired. Working two jobs is not as easy as one would like to think. Some days, I would teach at 7:30 in the morning and work until 10:30 at night. Or I'd work until 10:30 at night and be up to teach at 7:30 in the morning. It got to be a bit overwhelming.
They want me back. That's a good sign. I must have done a good job. If time allows this spring, I'll go back and I'll be happy about it. I shall miss my 30% discount!
Where one chapter ends, another begins. So it shall be, even though this Chapter has a bittersweet ending.
I left work today at 2:05 pm for the last time. I'll miss it. I love the atmosphere of Chapters. It isn't pushy, the music is nice, I am surrounded by books. The people I worked with were great. The managers were awesome and the floor staff was very helpful and friendly. I didn't want to be done, but sometimes life makes choices for us.
I am tired. Working two jobs is not as easy as one would like to think. Some days, I would teach at 7:30 in the morning and work until 10:30 at night. Or I'd work until 10:30 at night and be up to teach at 7:30 in the morning. It got to be a bit overwhelming.
They want me back. That's a good sign. I must have done a good job. If time allows this spring, I'll go back and I'll be happy about it. I shall miss my 30% discount!
Where one chapter ends, another begins. So it shall be, even though this Chapter has a bittersweet ending.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
The Power of Conviction
I have been convicted this Christmas season...why you ask? It has nothing to do with spending or needing to be more focused on Christ. It has everything to do with eating. My new motto is "Christmas is not an excuse to overeat". In the past, I have allowed the season to dictate my eating habits, but no more. I have really been convicted of this. Food is my drug of choice. It is a neccessity that has become an addiction.
I have discovered that I rank sin. No really. I think overeating is a much lesser sin than say, I don't know, stealing $50k or killing your neighbour. The Bible doesn't rank sin, it tells us we all sin, regardless of what that sin may look like.
So, I have been convicted and it has been a good reminder. I have not gained a single pound this Christmas. In fact, I have lost a couple! Yay Me!
Christmas is not about the food. It is about the Saviour. What better focus could there be than that?
I have discovered that I rank sin. No really. I think overeating is a much lesser sin than say, I don't know, stealing $50k or killing your neighbour. The Bible doesn't rank sin, it tells us we all sin, regardless of what that sin may look like.
So, I have been convicted and it has been a good reminder. I have not gained a single pound this Christmas. In fact, I have lost a couple! Yay Me!
Christmas is not about the food. It is about the Saviour. What better focus could there be than that?
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Confidence
I wish I had the same confidence in all areas of my life as I have when I step in front of a choir. I'm good at what I do - and I know it. Not to be conceited or proud...that's not what I mean. But I can be myself in front of a choir and have expectations because I have the confidence to make it happen.
I don't have that degree of confidence anywhere else. I wish I could be as open and conversational when I meet new people. I clam up and wonder what on earth to talk about.
I wish I had more confidence to talk to guys. Doesn't matter who the guy is, I get all tongue-tied and stupid. It's ridiculous really.
I wish I was that confident when I talk about my faith. My relationship with Christ is so important and yet I'm very shy when it comes to speaking about it.
I wish I was as confident when it came to playing the piano or solo singing. I'm also good at that, but I am also a bundle of nerves.
I don't know where the confidence comes from when I step before a choir. I do things that I would never do in any other situation. I make jokes and I make demands. I expect results.
I want to transfer some of that confidence into other areas of my life. I'm just not sure how to make that happen.
I don't have that degree of confidence anywhere else. I wish I could be as open and conversational when I meet new people. I clam up and wonder what on earth to talk about.
I wish I had more confidence to talk to guys. Doesn't matter who the guy is, I get all tongue-tied and stupid. It's ridiculous really.
I wish I was that confident when I talk about my faith. My relationship with Christ is so important and yet I'm very shy when it comes to speaking about it.
I wish I was as confident when it came to playing the piano or solo singing. I'm also good at that, but I am also a bundle of nerves.
I don't know where the confidence comes from when I step before a choir. I do things that I would never do in any other situation. I make jokes and I make demands. I expect results.
I want to transfer some of that confidence into other areas of my life. I'm just not sure how to make that happen.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
For the Love of Books
I love books - I always have. I love to read. I work at Chapters part-time which not only cultivates my love to read, but has also really expanded my horizons.
Sometimes working there stresses me out. I look at all the books and think of all the paper that goes into making those books, and how many trees have to be cut down to cultivate my love of reading. Then I go to the magazine section. People don't buy the magazines. They come to Chapters after they have purchased their Starbuck's creation and sit and read them. Then, they put them back on the shelf (or throw them on the bench, as the case is more often than not) and leave. The magazines that don't get sold (which is most of them), get sent back to the publisher. I have no idea what the publisher does with them, but I'm guessing they go in the garbage. Once a new edition comes out, the old ones are history. Such a waste.
I am often amazed as I shelve books to the diversity of subject. Chapters is over 20,000 square feet in size and has more than 400,000 books. That's a lot of books. The area that always makes me stop and think is the religion section. On one side of the shelf is the Christianity section. Here you can find Bibles, devotionals, spiritual living, and all other manner of Christian books...right next to it, is the Eastern religion section and right next to that is the New Age. On the same table, there is a book by TD Jakes and right next to it is a book called "God is Not Great". Talk about two opposing views sitting side-by-side.
Then you go up to the business section, where for some reason, the humour section also lives. Seems strange. The humour section has everything from Uncle John's Bathroom Readers (probably about 50 different titles) to Calvin and Hobbes in the comic section.
Then there are the books that just make you laugh. There is a book called "What's Your Poo Telling You?" - and this isn't found in the humour section. It's found in the gastrointestinal section in lifestyles and well-being. AND if you are REALLY serious about finding out what your poo is telling you, you can buy the companion poo log. Yes, you can journal about your poo. OR what about the book on farts, with sound effects and everything. Talk about in depth.
My favourite section is the cooking section. I don't cook, but I like putting the books away. You can find All-Time favourites to Japanese cooking to creating cocktails to writers on food. And then of course there are the many famous TV chefs, all of whom have a million books.
I haven't even touched on Fiction, romance, horror, mystery, true crime, the sex section, the work-out section, the kids section, the history section, the music and arts section, the biography section, the self-help section (which I think is a bit ridiculous), the gift section, the bargain section, the best-sellers, Heather's picks and the list goes on. There isn't enough time for me to got through it all. Sometimes it is overwhelming - yet great!
Ah, I love books!
Sometimes working there stresses me out. I look at all the books and think of all the paper that goes into making those books, and how many trees have to be cut down to cultivate my love of reading. Then I go to the magazine section. People don't buy the magazines. They come to Chapters after they have purchased their Starbuck's creation and sit and read them. Then, they put them back on the shelf (or throw them on the bench, as the case is more often than not) and leave. The magazines that don't get sold (which is most of them), get sent back to the publisher. I have no idea what the publisher does with them, but I'm guessing they go in the garbage. Once a new edition comes out, the old ones are history. Such a waste.
I am often amazed as I shelve books to the diversity of subject. Chapters is over 20,000 square feet in size and has more than 400,000 books. That's a lot of books. The area that always makes me stop and think is the religion section. On one side of the shelf is the Christianity section. Here you can find Bibles, devotionals, spiritual living, and all other manner of Christian books...right next to it, is the Eastern religion section and right next to that is the New Age. On the same table, there is a book by TD Jakes and right next to it is a book called "God is Not Great". Talk about two opposing views sitting side-by-side.
Then you go up to the business section, where for some reason, the humour section also lives. Seems strange. The humour section has everything from Uncle John's Bathroom Readers (probably about 50 different titles) to Calvin and Hobbes in the comic section.
Then there are the books that just make you laugh. There is a book called "What's Your Poo Telling You?" - and this isn't found in the humour section. It's found in the gastrointestinal section in lifestyles and well-being. AND if you are REALLY serious about finding out what your poo is telling you, you can buy the companion poo log. Yes, you can journal about your poo. OR what about the book on farts, with sound effects and everything. Talk about in depth.
My favourite section is the cooking section. I don't cook, but I like putting the books away. You can find All-Time favourites to Japanese cooking to creating cocktails to writers on food. And then of course there are the many famous TV chefs, all of whom have a million books.
I haven't even touched on Fiction, romance, horror, mystery, true crime, the sex section, the work-out section, the kids section, the history section, the music and arts section, the biography section, the self-help section (which I think is a bit ridiculous), the gift section, the bargain section, the best-sellers, Heather's picks and the list goes on. There isn't enough time for me to got through it all. Sometimes it is overwhelming - yet great!
Ah, I love books!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Governmental Unrest
I am not normally the political type. I follow politics a bit, have my views and opinions, have chosen the party that I will vote for and such, but I don't tend to express those views openly.
However, the last few days have made me feel a lot of unrest. As a democratic nation, Canadian citizens have the right to choose their government. This time, it meant that we would have a minority Conservative Government and the Liberals would be the official opposition. Sometime between October 14th and now, the Liberals decided that they didn't like being the opposition and wanted to be in power. They are now trying to form a coalition government with the NDP and the Bloc Quebecois. Basically what they are saying to Canadians is that they could care less about what the voters wanted and will form their own government.
I thought I lived in a democratic country. I have realized now that it is only partially true. The law does not prevent the Liberals and NDPs from forming a coalition government. They now have the power to overturn the people's decision by combining and choosing a leader amongst themselves. Just because it is a law, doesn't make it right. Our Governor General has the final say...we have placed the political situation of our country in the hands of one woman. I pray she makes the right decision.
I have been amazed at the outcry and outrage that is coming out from all across the country. Liberal and NDP supporters are not happy about the coalition, even though it would bring power to their party of choice. Conservative supporters are obviously not happy because it would mean the fall of a government that they elected.
I can understand now why so many countries have political or military coups. It is much easier than I would have thought to overturn the people's decision. We don't have a real democracy. We have a democracy that depends on good people being in power and when the wrong ones are there, it is easy to turn the tables.
Welcome to Canada. A place that could once hold pride in it's government, but where shame and disgrace may soon reign.
However, the last few days have made me feel a lot of unrest. As a democratic nation, Canadian citizens have the right to choose their government. This time, it meant that we would have a minority Conservative Government and the Liberals would be the official opposition. Sometime between October 14th and now, the Liberals decided that they didn't like being the opposition and wanted to be in power. They are now trying to form a coalition government with the NDP and the Bloc Quebecois. Basically what they are saying to Canadians is that they could care less about what the voters wanted and will form their own government.
I thought I lived in a democratic country. I have realized now that it is only partially true. The law does not prevent the Liberals and NDPs from forming a coalition government. They now have the power to overturn the people's decision by combining and choosing a leader amongst themselves. Just because it is a law, doesn't make it right. Our Governor General has the final say...we have placed the political situation of our country in the hands of one woman. I pray she makes the right decision.
I have been amazed at the outcry and outrage that is coming out from all across the country. Liberal and NDP supporters are not happy about the coalition, even though it would bring power to their party of choice. Conservative supporters are obviously not happy because it would mean the fall of a government that they elected.
I can understand now why so many countries have political or military coups. It is much easier than I would have thought to overturn the people's decision. We don't have a real democracy. We have a democracy that depends on good people being in power and when the wrong ones are there, it is easy to turn the tables.
Welcome to Canada. A place that could once hold pride in it's government, but where shame and disgrace may soon reign.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Old Ramblings, Same feelings
I wrote the following a while ago...the first one was in December 2006, but it is undated. The other 2 are a whole year apart and yet, here I sit almost another year passed, feeling almost the exact same way. Have I missed something or am I in a season of solitude still for a reason?
What is it about true love that seems to be so elusive? Why is it that we can long for it so deeply, yet still seem to be so far away from the real evidence of deep, lasting, committed love? I often wonder why God would put the desire so strong in my heart and yet keep it unfulfilled for so long. The deepest yearnings come at the strangest times…watching a movie, in the mall, grocery shopping…and yet they seem to be the times when I long for companionship the most. Someone to share the mundane and trivial, someone to ask how my day went and to hear my “funny” stories and laugh, even if they aren’t that funny. I long to be cherished for who I am, to be loved for what I have to offer. I long to be the perfect fit to someone else even in my imperfection. Sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel so sad purely because I have no one to share my life with. Friends are wonderful and no one can deny the joy they bring to your life, but they also cannot share every moment or be the passion in your soul, the joy in your eyes, the love in your heart. They cannot be the intimate person who shares your hopes and dreams, your sorrows and your fears. The problem comes when you start to wonder if the reason for your singleness is simply because you are unlovable. Or perhaps your best match has chosen a different way, leaving you simply incomplete due to another’s choices. And is it true that there is only “the one” for you, or could you simply live a life of contentment with anyone? I appreciate (and can laugh at) the friends and family who want to find me someone or think of people to “fix” me up with, but sometimes all that happens is that I get notions in my mind of things that will never be, simply because they are improbable and yet, I become almost obsessed with the thoughts, because perhaps, you just never know when the improbable will become a reality. I find it frustrating to see people in relationships that have no meaning but that they just have simply to fill a void and yet I can see why they do it, when I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be at least a way to make it though the waiting period. But what person wants leftovers?
January 6, 2007
My heart is feeling very lonely again today. I shouldn’t let myself watch romantic movies or dream about getting married. It carries too great a price for my heart. I have cried out to God many times about this loneliness and I know that now is not my time, but at this moment it doesn’t make the waiting any easier. I am trying to trust that his timing is so much greater than mine and that his desire for my life will be carried out at the most appropriate time, but I just can’t seem to convince my heart what my head already believes. It is difficult for me to let go of this desire until the appropriate time. I tend to hyper focus and this desire in my heart is so great and it seems to be the only thing I dream about. Life is good, I know it is….I love my job, I love my students, I even like this little apartment, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have no one to share it with, no one who really cares about how the day went, who cheers on my successes and who understands my disappointments. My parents are great, but there comes a point in every young adult’s life when the understanding and interest needs to be on a deeper level. Perhaps it is my fault that I don’t have a friend to be that for now, but do they really care anyways?
January 17, 2008
I've felt lately like I'm in a holding pattern and I'm just waiting for the runway to be cleared so I can land, but there has been an accident or strange weather and so there is no estimated time of arrival. My wings are tired and I’m running out of gas…what will happen if I can’t make it and I don’t have my parachute?
What is it about true love that seems to be so elusive? Why is it that we can long for it so deeply, yet still seem to be so far away from the real evidence of deep, lasting, committed love? I often wonder why God would put the desire so strong in my heart and yet keep it unfulfilled for so long. The deepest yearnings come at the strangest times…watching a movie, in the mall, grocery shopping…and yet they seem to be the times when I long for companionship the most. Someone to share the mundane and trivial, someone to ask how my day went and to hear my “funny” stories and laugh, even if they aren’t that funny. I long to be cherished for who I am, to be loved for what I have to offer. I long to be the perfect fit to someone else even in my imperfection. Sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel so sad purely because I have no one to share my life with. Friends are wonderful and no one can deny the joy they bring to your life, but they also cannot share every moment or be the passion in your soul, the joy in your eyes, the love in your heart. They cannot be the intimate person who shares your hopes and dreams, your sorrows and your fears. The problem comes when you start to wonder if the reason for your singleness is simply because you are unlovable. Or perhaps your best match has chosen a different way, leaving you simply incomplete due to another’s choices. And is it true that there is only “the one” for you, or could you simply live a life of contentment with anyone? I appreciate (and can laugh at) the friends and family who want to find me someone or think of people to “fix” me up with, but sometimes all that happens is that I get notions in my mind of things that will never be, simply because they are improbable and yet, I become almost obsessed with the thoughts, because perhaps, you just never know when the improbable will become a reality. I find it frustrating to see people in relationships that have no meaning but that they just have simply to fill a void and yet I can see why they do it, when I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be at least a way to make it though the waiting period. But what person wants leftovers?
January 6, 2007
My heart is feeling very lonely again today. I shouldn’t let myself watch romantic movies or dream about getting married. It carries too great a price for my heart. I have cried out to God many times about this loneliness and I know that now is not my time, but at this moment it doesn’t make the waiting any easier. I am trying to trust that his timing is so much greater than mine and that his desire for my life will be carried out at the most appropriate time, but I just can’t seem to convince my heart what my head already believes. It is difficult for me to let go of this desire until the appropriate time. I tend to hyper focus and this desire in my heart is so great and it seems to be the only thing I dream about. Life is good, I know it is….I love my job, I love my students, I even like this little apartment, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have no one to share it with, no one who really cares about how the day went, who cheers on my successes and who understands my disappointments. My parents are great, but there comes a point in every young adult’s life when the understanding and interest needs to be on a deeper level. Perhaps it is my fault that I don’t have a friend to be that for now, but do they really care anyways?
January 17, 2008
I've felt lately like I'm in a holding pattern and I'm just waiting for the runway to be cleared so I can land, but there has been an accident or strange weather and so there is no estimated time of arrival. My wings are tired and I’m running out of gas…what will happen if I can’t make it and I don’t have my parachute?
The Least Common Denominator
In math, I teach my students about the least common denominator. It's a way to compare fractions or simplify fractions, so that they are in a common form. Having them in the lowest common denominator makes the fractions the easiest to work with.
I don't know why math would make me think about myself, but for some reason, I learned a valuable lesson.
I always compare myself to the lowest common denominator. I want to lose some weight, but then I see someone else and think, "well, at least I'm thinner than they are". Or maybe it is qualities that I see in myself that I would like to change...but I compare them to someone who needs to work on those qualities even more than I do, and think that I'm just fine. Comparing to the LCD is easy, because then it requires less work on my part, just like in math.
What really needs to happen in my life is that I change myself to be like the greatest common factor- Christ. Becoming like the GCF is more work. If I want to be better in my life, I need to always be looking to Christ and to no one else. It means actually trying to change. He is the only way that I can be better than I am.
I don't know why math would make me think about myself, but for some reason, I learned a valuable lesson.
I always compare myself to the lowest common denominator. I want to lose some weight, but then I see someone else and think, "well, at least I'm thinner than they are". Or maybe it is qualities that I see in myself that I would like to change...but I compare them to someone who needs to work on those qualities even more than I do, and think that I'm just fine. Comparing to the LCD is easy, because then it requires less work on my part, just like in math.
What really needs to happen in my life is that I change myself to be like the greatest common factor- Christ. Becoming like the GCF is more work. If I want to be better in my life, I need to always be looking to Christ and to no one else. It means actually trying to change. He is the only way that I can be better than I am.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Inability to Change - the great myth
I want to change. I want to be better. I want to make a difference.
However...I don't think I can. It's a great myth that I have carried around for years and years. I wear it like a cloak of security when I try to change and I don't. It's the best excuse around. I tried to change, but I couldn't. It must be naturally ingrained in my being.
I could change. I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to. David wrote, "create in me a new heart, oh God". Change doesn't come from me...it comes from the Lord, but I have to willingly allow him to work on my heart.
I'm not just saying I want to change inwardly. There are lots of things I want to do differently. I want to be a better recycler. I want to be a better eater. I want to have the discipline to exercise regularly (and believe me, it isn't because I don't have the time...I just choose not to). I want to do my dishes more regularly and weed my garden. I want to use my time better and not feel like I leave everything to the last minute. I want to pursue knowledge and be a better musician. All this takes work and change.
I have come to the realization of something. God gives us choices. He lays before us a path that he would like us to follow, but he won't force it on us. He lets us choose. If I come to that path and say, "No thanks, God", he doesn't force it on me. He may constantly remind me of that path and eventually the gentle prodding will make me realize that I should have taken it, but he won't just arbitrarily pick me up and place me on it. Even in the little things - such as recycling. I have a choice, but it's my choice whether or not I do it.
I want to be willing to change and grow. I want to know that when I look back on this year that I'll be proud of myself for growing or overcoming or opening myself up to a new lesson. I can't do that if I refuse to change.
However...I don't think I can. It's a great myth that I have carried around for years and years. I wear it like a cloak of security when I try to change and I don't. It's the best excuse around. I tried to change, but I couldn't. It must be naturally ingrained in my being.
I could change. I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to. David wrote, "create in me a new heart, oh God". Change doesn't come from me...it comes from the Lord, but I have to willingly allow him to work on my heart.
I'm not just saying I want to change inwardly. There are lots of things I want to do differently. I want to be a better recycler. I want to be a better eater. I want to have the discipline to exercise regularly (and believe me, it isn't because I don't have the time...I just choose not to). I want to do my dishes more regularly and weed my garden. I want to use my time better and not feel like I leave everything to the last minute. I want to pursue knowledge and be a better musician. All this takes work and change.
I have come to the realization of something. God gives us choices. He lays before us a path that he would like us to follow, but he won't force it on us. He lets us choose. If I come to that path and say, "No thanks, God", he doesn't force it on me. He may constantly remind me of that path and eventually the gentle prodding will make me realize that I should have taken it, but he won't just arbitrarily pick me up and place me on it. Even in the little things - such as recycling. I have a choice, but it's my choice whether or not I do it.
I want to be willing to change and grow. I want to know that when I look back on this year that I'll be proud of myself for growing or overcoming or opening myself up to a new lesson. I can't do that if I refuse to change.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Burning with Passion
Once again, Pastor Dave's sermon set me on a thinking spree. His message yesterday was on the baptism of the Holy Spirit. It was water baptism Sunday, which is pretty special. But as Pastor Dave pointed out, it is something that happens in the natural. Baptism in the Spirit happens in the supernatural.
He talked a lot about the fire of God. First he talked about that first day of Pentecost when the fire fell. He said to imagine not little spots of fire, but the people being completely consumed by the fire of God. Then he went on to talk about Shadrack, Meshack and Abendigo. Why weren't they consumed when Nebuchadnezzar threw them into the fire? Why were they able to walk around the furnace and not be burnt? Because they were already on fire - they were on fire for the Lord. You can't burn something that is already burning. Talk about a revelation.
Too often we stand on the outside and watch everyone else be consumed by the fire of God. But we only watch from a distance instead of walking right in. I know I hold myself back. I'm afraid that if I let myself be totally consumed by God that he will ask crazy things of me...and you know what? He just might. But if I am being totally consumed by his presence, then that won't really be an issue. If he totally consumes me, then I will totally trust in his sovereignty and the things he asks me to do won't seem so scary.
Overwhelm me with your presence
Consume me with your fire
Make me fall down on my knees in holy fear
Lord, draw me close
Lord, hold me near
I want more
Than just a glimpse of your glory
He talked a lot about the fire of God. First he talked about that first day of Pentecost when the fire fell. He said to imagine not little spots of fire, but the people being completely consumed by the fire of God. Then he went on to talk about Shadrack, Meshack and Abendigo. Why weren't they consumed when Nebuchadnezzar threw them into the fire? Why were they able to walk around the furnace and not be burnt? Because they were already on fire - they were on fire for the Lord. You can't burn something that is already burning. Talk about a revelation.
Too often we stand on the outside and watch everyone else be consumed by the fire of God. But we only watch from a distance instead of walking right in. I know I hold myself back. I'm afraid that if I let myself be totally consumed by God that he will ask crazy things of me...and you know what? He just might. But if I am being totally consumed by his presence, then that won't really be an issue. If he totally consumes me, then I will totally trust in his sovereignty and the things he asks me to do won't seem so scary.
Overwhelm me with your presence
Consume me with your fire
Make me fall down on my knees in holy fear
Lord, draw me close
Lord, hold me near
I want more
Than just a glimpse of your glory
Thursday, September 11, 2008
More on Grace
I went back and reread my entry on grace and I realized how much that song has really affected my life. The line that hits me every time is "as long as you're seeking my face, you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace". What a wonderful promise to hold onto. Daily sufficient grace. We don't need to store up God's grace for a rainy day or for when we are feeling less than forgiven. Every day God's grace is sufficient and everyday it is renewed.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV), Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It is so hard to be thankful in weakness, in hardship, in times that really just seem to suck. But, if I keep that scripture to the forefront of my mind, I realize that it is in those moments of weakness that I truly learn to rely on God's grace and power. If I am always strong, why would I need God's grace? If I trust in his grace, then I can rest in his power.
Last night my friend Lynette and I were talking about trust and she gave me a wonderful compliment. I went home and thought about it for a while and realized that trusting in God has been something that I have innately come to do. There are times when I struggle, but God's faithfulness to me earns my trust in him (if I can put it that way). He never lets me down and therefore, I easily trust. Somehow I have managed to separate trusting in God from trusting in humanity. People will always let us down, but we cannot transfer that lack of trust to a loving God.
Now, it would seem that I have strayed from the idea of grace, but stay with me for a moment. If I don't trust God, how can I believe in his grace? They must go hand in hand. I must trust that God's grace will be sufficient for each day. I must trust that his grace will never run out. I must trust that his grace is all encompassing. Do you see what I mean? Grace and trust as intertwined.
I am so glad that his grace is there for me daily...when I forget that I'm not strong and mess up, when I make a decision without seeking his direction, when I go day-to-day without really stopping to thank him for all that he has given to me. He never removes his grace, he just gently reminds me that he's covering me with it and that I can rest in it.
Daily sufficient grace - a little bit of Heaven on earth.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV), Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It is so hard to be thankful in weakness, in hardship, in times that really just seem to suck. But, if I keep that scripture to the forefront of my mind, I realize that it is in those moments of weakness that I truly learn to rely on God's grace and power. If I am always strong, why would I need God's grace? If I trust in his grace, then I can rest in his power.
Last night my friend Lynette and I were talking about trust and she gave me a wonderful compliment. I went home and thought about it for a while and realized that trusting in God has been something that I have innately come to do. There are times when I struggle, but God's faithfulness to me earns my trust in him (if I can put it that way). He never lets me down and therefore, I easily trust. Somehow I have managed to separate trusting in God from trusting in humanity. People will always let us down, but we cannot transfer that lack of trust to a loving God.
Now, it would seem that I have strayed from the idea of grace, but stay with me for a moment. If I don't trust God, how can I believe in his grace? They must go hand in hand. I must trust that God's grace will be sufficient for each day. I must trust that his grace will never run out. I must trust that his grace is all encompassing. Do you see what I mean? Grace and trust as intertwined.
I am so glad that his grace is there for me daily...when I forget that I'm not strong and mess up, when I make a decision without seeking his direction, when I go day-to-day without really stopping to thank him for all that he has given to me. He never removes his grace, he just gently reminds me that he's covering me with it and that I can rest in it.
Daily sufficient grace - a little bit of Heaven on earth.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The Responsibility of Privilege
I have been reminded lately of what a privileged life I live. It seems to be coming at me faster than I can keep up. I have been feeling restless and unsure of what I'm doing. I feel as though change is imminent, but I just don't know in what capacity.
I've been reading some different books and just in general have had some different experiences lately that keep bringing to the fore of my mind all that I have. I don't know why, but I've been interested in reading books about Afghanistan and Pakistan. Most of them are books about the Muslim women and the oppression they face daily. I also was very challenged by the World Vision "One Life Experience" tent that was set up in Regina. A book was recommended to me, so I went a bought it. It is called "Stolen Angels" by Kathy Cook and it is about 30 girls from Uganda who were kidnapped for the LRA rebel army. If you want to learn about the privileged life you lead, all you have to do is take a look at the injustices that goes on in the world around us.
David and I went out for a coffee and he asked me a couple very pointed questions - What are you passionate about? I said teaching....Do you want to go overseas? I said yes...Do you want to teach overseas? Yes. No hesitation when he asked...but then I get home and start thinking and looking. Can I walk away from all the privilege I have? Will I be like the rich young ruler and say no to the Lord because I am unwilling to walk away from the treasure I have stored up on earth?
I took stock of all I own and wondered at my prize possessions. I have decided that the hardest things to leave behind would be my piano and my books. I can take my pictures anywhere...a piano doesn't fit on a plane. I wouldn't be sad to sell my house...it's just a house, I can buy another and paint it the same colours and put out all the "things" I own and it will be a home...
The Bible says that to whom much is given, much is expected. I have been given a lot, but I don't tend to give back. I seem to hoard it for myself. Maybe he isn't asking me to walk away from the life I live here but to be more conscious of what I do with the gifts he gives. Am I doing all I can to give of what I have or do I only want it to be about me? It's not about me. It's about him.
I've been reading some different books and just in general have had some different experiences lately that keep bringing to the fore of my mind all that I have. I don't know why, but I've been interested in reading books about Afghanistan and Pakistan. Most of them are books about the Muslim women and the oppression they face daily. I also was very challenged by the World Vision "One Life Experience" tent that was set up in Regina. A book was recommended to me, so I went a bought it. It is called "Stolen Angels" by Kathy Cook and it is about 30 girls from Uganda who were kidnapped for the LRA rebel army. If you want to learn about the privileged life you lead, all you have to do is take a look at the injustices that goes on in the world around us.
David and I went out for a coffee and he asked me a couple very pointed questions - What are you passionate about? I said teaching....Do you want to go overseas? I said yes...Do you want to teach overseas? Yes. No hesitation when he asked...but then I get home and start thinking and looking. Can I walk away from all the privilege I have? Will I be like the rich young ruler and say no to the Lord because I am unwilling to walk away from the treasure I have stored up on earth?
I took stock of all I own and wondered at my prize possessions. I have decided that the hardest things to leave behind would be my piano and my books. I can take my pictures anywhere...a piano doesn't fit on a plane. I wouldn't be sad to sell my house...it's just a house, I can buy another and paint it the same colours and put out all the "things" I own and it will be a home...
The Bible says that to whom much is given, much is expected. I have been given a lot, but I don't tend to give back. I seem to hoard it for myself. Maybe he isn't asking me to walk away from the life I live here but to be more conscious of what I do with the gifts he gives. Am I doing all I can to give of what I have or do I only want it to be about me? It's not about me. It's about him.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Grace
I've been thinking a lot about grace. I'm learning about forgiveness. Yesterday, Pastor Dave's message was on forgiveness and resentment and boy did it hit home. Grace is God's way of taking the crap in our lives and saying, "I still love you regardless and I'll forgive you when you ask me to". It's not an easy concept for me to grasp. I find that I fail daily and let the enemy walk all over me with lies.
I recently bought a CD by Laura Story. If you haven't heard her music, you should. She is an anointed, gifted songwriter. The song "Grace" on her CD feels like the song of my life right now. I'm learning to believe it. I'd like to share it with you. Then you should go buy the CD so you can actually hear it for yourself.
Grace - Laura Story
My heart is so proud, my mind is so unfocused
I see the things you do through me as great things I have done
And now you gently break me, then lovingly you take me
And hold me as my father and mold me as my maker
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged
Knowing that someone somewhere could do a better job
For who am I to serve you? I know I don't deserve you
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
You are so patient with me, Lord
As I walk with you I'm learning what your grace really means
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
So instead of trying to repay you, I'm learning to simply obey you
By giving up my life to you for all that you've given to me
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
I recently bought a CD by Laura Story. If you haven't heard her music, you should. She is an anointed, gifted songwriter. The song "Grace" on her CD feels like the song of my life right now. I'm learning to believe it. I'd like to share it with you. Then you should go buy the CD so you can actually hear it for yourself.
Grace - Laura Story
My heart is so proud, my mind is so unfocused
I see the things you do through me as great things I have done
And now you gently break me, then lovingly you take me
And hold me as my father and mold me as my maker
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged
Knowing that someone somewhere could do a better job
For who am I to serve you? I know I don't deserve you
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
You are so patient with me, Lord
As I walk with you I'm learning what your grace really means
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
So instead of trying to repay you, I'm learning to simply obey you
By giving up my life to you for all that you've given to me
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
Friday, August 29, 2008
Having fun doing something "not so fun"!
I think I am superwoman...
I think I have the strength of 10 men...
Well, at least I did until yesterday. I decided that I wanted to switch the office and bedroom. For good reason - the room that I made into the bedroom doesn't have a window that opened and I was concerned for my safety.
I think to myself, I can move all the furniture - except the piano of course. I am amazing....
I am amazing, however, I am not strong enough to move two large bookshelves, my bed or even my dresser by myself. So what do you do in a situation like that when you are 1/8 of the way moved...you call for reinforcement!
I called Lynette and left her a message that went something like this..."Hi, would you like to do something not fun with me?! Call me!"
Funny thing - she did. I wouldn't have. I told her there was no worker's comp and if I had to drive her to the hospital that was like taking an ambulance, so don't get hurt. We had the most hilarious time. It took us an hour or so to move the piano. Several times we blocked ourselves into the room and one of us ended up climbing over the piano to get out.
After we finally got the piano moved, we moved one bookshelf and I needed a break. We tried to move the second, but my arms felt like jelly and I was laughing so hard that I couldn't do anything.
Ah, good times. Sometimes it's better not to be superwoman and to have fun with a friend instead!
I think I have the strength of 10 men...
Well, at least I did until yesterday. I decided that I wanted to switch the office and bedroom. For good reason - the room that I made into the bedroom doesn't have a window that opened and I was concerned for my safety.
I think to myself, I can move all the furniture - except the piano of course. I am amazing....
I am amazing, however, I am not strong enough to move two large bookshelves, my bed or even my dresser by myself. So what do you do in a situation like that when you are 1/8 of the way moved...you call for reinforcement!
I called Lynette and left her a message that went something like this..."Hi, would you like to do something not fun with me?! Call me!"
Funny thing - she did. I wouldn't have. I told her there was no worker's comp and if I had to drive her to the hospital that was like taking an ambulance, so don't get hurt. We had the most hilarious time. It took us an hour or so to move the piano. Several times we blocked ourselves into the room and one of us ended up climbing over the piano to get out.
After we finally got the piano moved, we moved one bookshelf and I needed a break. We tried to move the second, but my arms felt like jelly and I was laughing so hard that I couldn't do anything.
Ah, good times. Sometimes it's better not to be superwoman and to have fun with a friend instead!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Confessions of a Road Rage Queen...and Other Complaints
Fists clenched, jaw tight, heart pounding...words that rarely grace my mind come to the tip of my tongue...this is me driving in Calgary. I have determined that I can never live there. Besides construction, poor road signs, and endless hours of road to get from point A to point B are the stupid drivers that grace the streets of Calgary. It's amazing that so many of them can all live in one city. I don't drive often in large cities, but it makes me wonder if they are all this bad. Now, I recognize that street construction is a sign of new infrastructure and city growth, but every 2 km is a bit excessive! It makes me appreciate much more how easy it is to get around Regina. I couldn't wait to get back home to the "simple" Saskatchewan life!
Other complaints...I hate cell phones and texting. That is all I'm going to say about that.
On a happy note - I had a wonderful vacation visiting some friends in Alberta. I will put up with bad Calgary traffic just for them. I wish they lived closer so I could see them all the time. First I visited Glen and Colleen in Okotoks, stopped to see Leah in Calgary (we've been friends since high school, so that's a pretty special friendship) and then headed up to Sylvan to see Kelly. We had so much fun! I was sad to come home only for that reason.
Good friends are worth the road rage...someone should make that a bumper sticker.
Other complaints...I hate cell phones and texting. That is all I'm going to say about that.
On a happy note - I had a wonderful vacation visiting some friends in Alberta. I will put up with bad Calgary traffic just for them. I wish they lived closer so I could see them all the time. First I visited Glen and Colleen in Okotoks, stopped to see Leah in Calgary (we've been friends since high school, so that's a pretty special friendship) and then headed up to Sylvan to see Kelly. We had so much fun! I was sad to come home only for that reason.
Good friends are worth the road rage...someone should make that a bumper sticker.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Hindsight is 20/20
I've been trying to figure out why my mood as been a little bit dark the past few days...and it just dawned on me.
Four years ago, my world as I knew it drastically changed. I had dated a guy for over 6 years and then out of the blue, it was over. I hadn't dated anyone before him and I haven't dated anyone since.
Looking back at that relationship, I realize that it is a good thing it ended. I do not regret that it ended, but how it ended. The relationship ended so suddenly, with no real explanation in the moment. I learned some things later on, but when it all initially came about, I was left wondering what the heck was wrong with me. The classic line of "it's not you, it's me" just didn't work. It had to be me. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, musical enough, too smart, too controlling, too decisive, too indecisive and the list goes on.
It took me a couple of years to get over it. It's funny, however, that my subconscious still remembers the dates. When our "anniversary" comes around, I always feel a bit strange, like I should be doing something and usually a few days later, it dawns on me. My subconscious remembers this date because my nephew was born a few days later.
I look back at those days before Brennan was born and realize just how much I was loved. The night that Cam and I broke up, my sister and brother-in-law drove into Regina, late at night and picked me up. My sister was due any day, my niece was 2 and already asleep, but that didn't matter. They came anyway. I stayed at my sister's house, where she, in the midst of everything, was my comfort. And then a baby was born. My wonderful nephew, who reminded me that life was still good.
That first year was tough. Somehow I made it through my internship, finished my last semester of university and got through graduation - with Cam sitting 2 seats down from me (but thankfully, not right beside). I'm still not sure if he really understood the depth of the pain. He had moved on and I was still stuck. Graduation was significant for me. It meant the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Everyone at school knew me as Cam's girlfriend, so it was a tough to find where I fit. When I graduated, I left that life behind. I had a fresh start and it was just what I needed.
That year, I started at Thom where I made new friends who only knew me as Stacy. Not Cam and Stacy - just Stacy. I needed that. I needed that time to be able to discover who I was on my own. We started dating when I was in Grade 12, so I didn't really know who I was without him.
And you know what - I'm a better person now. I know who I am, I know what I want. I know that God has a plan for my life and I trust him wholeheartedly. I didn't know that then. I trusted in Cam for my happiness and when it fell, I had to discover where happiness truly lives - in the joy of the Lord that strengthens me.
Four years ago, my world as I knew it drastically changed. I had dated a guy for over 6 years and then out of the blue, it was over. I hadn't dated anyone before him and I haven't dated anyone since.
Looking back at that relationship, I realize that it is a good thing it ended. I do not regret that it ended, but how it ended. The relationship ended so suddenly, with no real explanation in the moment. I learned some things later on, but when it all initially came about, I was left wondering what the heck was wrong with me. The classic line of "it's not you, it's me" just didn't work. It had to be me. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, musical enough, too smart, too controlling, too decisive, too indecisive and the list goes on.
It took me a couple of years to get over it. It's funny, however, that my subconscious still remembers the dates. When our "anniversary" comes around, I always feel a bit strange, like I should be doing something and usually a few days later, it dawns on me. My subconscious remembers this date because my nephew was born a few days later.
I look back at those days before Brennan was born and realize just how much I was loved. The night that Cam and I broke up, my sister and brother-in-law drove into Regina, late at night and picked me up. My sister was due any day, my niece was 2 and already asleep, but that didn't matter. They came anyway. I stayed at my sister's house, where she, in the midst of everything, was my comfort. And then a baby was born. My wonderful nephew, who reminded me that life was still good.
That first year was tough. Somehow I made it through my internship, finished my last semester of university and got through graduation - with Cam sitting 2 seats down from me (but thankfully, not right beside). I'm still not sure if he really understood the depth of the pain. He had moved on and I was still stuck. Graduation was significant for me. It meant the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Everyone at school knew me as Cam's girlfriend, so it was a tough to find where I fit. When I graduated, I left that life behind. I had a fresh start and it was just what I needed.
That year, I started at Thom where I made new friends who only knew me as Stacy. Not Cam and Stacy - just Stacy. I needed that. I needed that time to be able to discover who I was on my own. We started dating when I was in Grade 12, so I didn't really know who I was without him.
And you know what - I'm a better person now. I know who I am, I know what I want. I know that God has a plan for my life and I trust him wholeheartedly. I didn't know that then. I trusted in Cam for my happiness and when it fell, I had to discover where happiness truly lives - in the joy of the Lord that strengthens me.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Sunshine in the Rain
I love when it rains when the sun is shining. I've really been thinking about how that applies to life and have discovered that if I really look hard, even when my life is not going as I thought it should be, there is sunshine.
For the past two summers, I have had the amazing opportunity to spend some time in Romania on a mission trip. I'm not sure I can put into words how much I love the youth that I was able to meet and hang out with. This summer, I wasn't able to go (for reasons that were beyond my control - or I would have been there in a heartbeat). I missed being there so much. I missed seeing my kids and talking with them - building into their lives and showing them that God's love for them is so much bigger than my love for them could ever be. I missed being at the camp and worshipping a God who brings us together despite language and culture. I missed the church services where I could hear this cloud of prayer reaching to Heaven. I think I fell into a bit of a depression after finding out I wouldn't be able to go. The disappointment was huge - I felt as though I was in the "depths of despair" (to quote Anne Shirley from Green Gables!).
But, God gave me a balm for that disappointment. I was a conversationalist with some students from Hungary this summer - and I have grown to love them so much. I still miss my Romanian kids, but meeting the Hungarian students and getting to know them was a great blessing. Oliver, Daniel, Eszter and Laszlo have blessed me so much. I have learned a lot from them - probably more than they learned from me.
I'm praying and hoping that I will be able to go to Romania next summer. The ache to see Sammy, Damaris, Natania, Ane, Dora, Tabyta, Eunice, Emma, Mirella and Alice - to only name a few, is still so deep. The most amazing thing now though, is that maybe I can visit Hungary at the same time. I think God put these students in my life for a reason and I don't think I have discovered that reason yet.
I've discovered that sometimes we go through a season of disappointment, but at the end of it, God had a purpose. Perhaps this summer wasn't meant to be spent in Romania, but more to give me a yearning for God's purpose and to discover that the burden for the youth I met is still strong. If I had been in Romania, I would have missed out on meeting these amazing students from Hungary. A blessing in the midst of disappointment. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me eyes to see it.
For the past two summers, I have had the amazing opportunity to spend some time in Romania on a mission trip. I'm not sure I can put into words how much I love the youth that I was able to meet and hang out with. This summer, I wasn't able to go (for reasons that were beyond my control - or I would have been there in a heartbeat). I missed being there so much. I missed seeing my kids and talking with them - building into their lives and showing them that God's love for them is so much bigger than my love for them could ever be. I missed being at the camp and worshipping a God who brings us together despite language and culture. I missed the church services where I could hear this cloud of prayer reaching to Heaven. I think I fell into a bit of a depression after finding out I wouldn't be able to go. The disappointment was huge - I felt as though I was in the "depths of despair" (to quote Anne Shirley from Green Gables!).
But, God gave me a balm for that disappointment. I was a conversationalist with some students from Hungary this summer - and I have grown to love them so much. I still miss my Romanian kids, but meeting the Hungarian students and getting to know them was a great blessing. Oliver, Daniel, Eszter and Laszlo have blessed me so much. I have learned a lot from them - probably more than they learned from me.
I'm praying and hoping that I will be able to go to Romania next summer. The ache to see Sammy, Damaris, Natania, Ane, Dora, Tabyta, Eunice, Emma, Mirella and Alice - to only name a few, is still so deep. The most amazing thing now though, is that maybe I can visit Hungary at the same time. I think God put these students in my life for a reason and I don't think I have discovered that reason yet.
I've discovered that sometimes we go through a season of disappointment, but at the end of it, God had a purpose. Perhaps this summer wasn't meant to be spent in Romania, but more to give me a yearning for God's purpose and to discover that the burden for the youth I met is still strong. If I had been in Romania, I would have missed out on meeting these amazing students from Hungary. A blessing in the midst of disappointment. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me eyes to see it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The last day...
My job at Trader is finally over...and I do mean finally. This job was just not meant for me. I like schedule...car dealers apparently don't care. There were some frustrating moments. I had to laugh as I was leaving today. I cleaned out my desk and got rid of everything the next photographer wouldn't need. When I left, all I took with me was the plastic file folder and clipboard that I brought from home. This is mostly funny because when I cleaned up my desk when my job ended at Thom, I had two boxes and a rubbermaid. Now, I must admit that I spent a whole year at Thom, so I accumulated much more stuff, but I spent over 4 months at Trader and never brought anything personal to the office. I think that definitely shows where my heart was at.
I will miss some of my dealers. However, I liked to visit with them more than I like to take pictures of their cars.
I'm ready for school to start, even though I don't have a position. I don't mind subbing. I hope I get lots of days at Thom, cause then it will feel like I haven't left.
I've had a lot of part-time jobs in the last while and this one is by far the one I'll miss the least.
I will miss some of my dealers. However, I liked to visit with them more than I like to take pictures of their cars.
I'm ready for school to start, even though I don't have a position. I don't mind subbing. I hope I get lots of days at Thom, cause then it will feel like I haven't left.
I've had a lot of part-time jobs in the last while and this one is by far the one I'll miss the least.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Affection and the Single Gal
You are going to start to notice a theme...singleness has been on my mind a while and I'm taking time to finally stop and figure things out.
There is not a doubt in my mind that my love language is touch. I am a very affectionate person. It is such a natural action for me to grasp an arm, give a hug, lean my head or any number of other affectionate gestures that sometimes I don't realize I do it.
Now, having the love language of touch is not necessarily a bad thing, but the difficult part is when you are a single girl who often can go days without anything. Not even a single handshake, let alone a hug.
I live alone, my summer job doesn't really lend itself to any sort of interaction (the cars I take pictures of don't tend to want to give me a hug...) and I start to feel deprived. As a kid, I was always the one to crawl up into my grandpa's lap for a snuggle or to hug my mom around the waist while she was cooking in the kitchen. I never grew out of that.
I will admit it is the one thing I miss most about the only romantic relationship I've ever been in. I don't regret that that relationship ended...I only miss that fact that he too was a cuddle-er. There was nothing better then curling up to watch a movie and knowing that I'd be enclosed in a hug the whole time.
This weekend I dog-sat and although the dogs are labs, they think they are lap dogs. They would curl up on the couch with me, one on either side and look at me with the sweetest eyes as though I was the best person in the whole world...in their minds, I probably was...I fed them! I started to realize that I'm looking for affection in any way...even in a dog. How sad is that??
Ah well...I think I'm gonna get myself a dog.
There is not a doubt in my mind that my love language is touch. I am a very affectionate person. It is such a natural action for me to grasp an arm, give a hug, lean my head or any number of other affectionate gestures that sometimes I don't realize I do it.
Now, having the love language of touch is not necessarily a bad thing, but the difficult part is when you are a single girl who often can go days without anything. Not even a single handshake, let alone a hug.
I live alone, my summer job doesn't really lend itself to any sort of interaction (the cars I take pictures of don't tend to want to give me a hug...) and I start to feel deprived. As a kid, I was always the one to crawl up into my grandpa's lap for a snuggle or to hug my mom around the waist while she was cooking in the kitchen. I never grew out of that.
I will admit it is the one thing I miss most about the only romantic relationship I've ever been in. I don't regret that that relationship ended...I only miss that fact that he too was a cuddle-er. There was nothing better then curling up to watch a movie and knowing that I'd be enclosed in a hug the whole time.
This weekend I dog-sat and although the dogs are labs, they think they are lap dogs. They would curl up on the couch with me, one on either side and look at me with the sweetest eyes as though I was the best person in the whole world...in their minds, I probably was...I fed them! I started to realize that I'm looking for affection in any way...even in a dog. How sad is that??
Ah well...I think I'm gonna get myself a dog.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Content or Pleading
The other night a friend of mine was over and we were talking about being single. For the most part I am at peace with the place I am at in my life. Not for a moment did I think that I would be approaching 28 and still be single.
The question is do I remain content at the place I am or do I begin to constantly lay this hope of marriage at the feet of the Father? Do I bother him incessantly or determine to live this life until he brings that special person to my door?
The whole topic came about after one of the mission teams shared at church. They had been in the Marshall Islands
and they showed a picture of a man and his wife. The man had pleaded with God to bring him a wife - and obviously he was given one.
Am I single still because I don't ask the Father often enough to bless me with a spouse? I feel as though I have so much to give and at this moment it is being stifled inside me with no where to go.
Then the next question is - as a single gal, how do you let a single guy know you are interested? Or do you not let him know and hope he'll figure it out? I've read several different Christian books on being single and there is conflicting reports. I have a boy in mind, but he is definitely clueless...do I send out a signal or do I hope he'll come to his senses?
So many questions, so few answers...
The question is do I remain content at the place I am or do I begin to constantly lay this hope of marriage at the feet of the Father? Do I bother him incessantly or determine to live this life until he brings that special person to my door?
The whole topic came about after one of the mission teams shared at church. They had been in the Marshall Islands
and they showed a picture of a man and his wife. The man had pleaded with God to bring him a wife - and obviously he was given one.Am I single still because I don't ask the Father often enough to bless me with a spouse? I feel as though I have so much to give and at this moment it is being stifled inside me with no where to go.
Then the next question is - as a single gal, how do you let a single guy know you are interested? Or do you not let him know and hope he'll figure it out? I've read several different Christian books on being single and there is conflicting reports. I have a boy in mind, but he is definitely clueless...do I send out a signal or do I hope he'll come to his senses?
So many questions, so few answers...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Decisions, sunny rain, and the Lord's Prayer
So many thoughts have been running through my mind for the last few weeks. AND so much has happened, changed.
I chose to not take the job at Notre Dame...what a huge life altering decision that was. I could have taken a job that would have offered stability, a steady income and a position that would have lasted as long as I wanted it too - BUT it wasn't a job that would really make me happy. I've decided that I'd rather be happy than stable. I don't know if this is wise or not, but I truly feel at peace about this decision. The other reason that I decided not to take the job was a matter of integrity. I really want to go back to school. Notre Dame is looking for someone who wants to be an intregal part of their school for the long term. I don't think I'm ready to commit that to them. The dream of going back to school feels like it might actually be a reality for me now.
In the process of making that decision, I really felt reminded of the Lord's Prayer - and one verse inparticular. Christ teaches us to pray "Give us this day our daily bread". Just this day...not this week...not this year...not the next ten years. Just today. One of the main thoughts that kept coming at me was how much money I would make if I took the job. It's true that the money would have been very nice. I could live like a princess. But the money cannot be reason enough. I am now in a position of great instability where I will be wondering from month to month if I'll be able to make it. The great joy in that is I never have to worry. I look back at the last year and see all the ways that God took care of me - on a day-to-day basis. Everyday he gave me what I needed. Not once was I left without. Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't bring us stability or want us to have it. I know that I made a decision that was God-honouring and that he will provide because of it.
In the midst of all that, my favourite weather phenomenon (well, it might not be a phenomenon) of rain when the sun is shining has happened three times in the last week! I love the smell of rain and I love when the sun is shining. It's like the best of both worlds.
I think this sunny rain is a great analogy for life. Sometimes it feels like we're living in a time of rain, but if we really take a look at life, we'll discover that amidst the rain are many rays of sunshine - if we could just focus on them, then the rain wouldn't seem so dreary. Sometimes it isn't sunny at all when the rain is pouring, but the sun always comes out eventually. The rain never stays forever. Since I've moved into my house, I've really come to love the rain. It means I don't have to water my lawn or my flowers. Mother nature does it for me.
I'm resting in the truth that God is in control - of both the rainy days and the sunny days.
I chose to not take the job at Notre Dame...what a huge life altering decision that was. I could have taken a job that would have offered stability, a steady income and a position that would have lasted as long as I wanted it too - BUT it wasn't a job that would really make me happy. I've decided that I'd rather be happy than stable. I don't know if this is wise or not, but I truly feel at peace about this decision. The other reason that I decided not to take the job was a matter of integrity. I really want to go back to school. Notre Dame is looking for someone who wants to be an intregal part of their school for the long term. I don't think I'm ready to commit that to them. The dream of going back to school feels like it might actually be a reality for me now.
In the process of making that decision, I really felt reminded of the Lord's Prayer - and one verse inparticular. Christ teaches us to pray "Give us this day our daily bread". Just this day...not this week...not this year...not the next ten years. Just today. One of the main thoughts that kept coming at me was how much money I would make if I took the job. It's true that the money would have been very nice. I could live like a princess. But the money cannot be reason enough. I am now in a position of great instability where I will be wondering from month to month if I'll be able to make it. The great joy in that is I never have to worry. I look back at the last year and see all the ways that God took care of me - on a day-to-day basis. Everyday he gave me what I needed. Not once was I left without. Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't bring us stability or want us to have it. I know that I made a decision that was God-honouring and that he will provide because of it.
In the midst of all that, my favourite weather phenomenon (well, it might not be a phenomenon) of rain when the sun is shining has happened three times in the last week! I love the smell of rain and I love when the sun is shining. It's like the best of both worlds.
I think this sunny rain is a great analogy for life. Sometimes it feels like we're living in a time of rain, but if we really take a look at life, we'll discover that amidst the rain are many rays of sunshine - if we could just focus on them, then the rain wouldn't seem so dreary. Sometimes it isn't sunny at all when the rain is pouring, but the sun always comes out eventually. The rain never stays forever. Since I've moved into my house, I've really come to love the rain. It means I don't have to water my lawn or my flowers. Mother nature does it for me.
I'm resting in the truth that God is in control - of both the rainy days and the sunny days.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Theory, Guitars, Cars and English Lessons
What do theory, guitars, cars and English lessons have in common?
Well, I am going to review my music theory and prep to write Grade 4 Royal Conservatory Harmony. I'm attempting to learn the guitar and have made that my summer goal. I will still be working at the auto trader and I'm going to be a conversationalist at the university with some students from Hungary who are learning English. That will be a lot of fun.
The life of a teacher does not mean slack summers. I need to figure out what is happening in the fall - currently I am back on the sub list. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that. I need to decide if I want to go back to school and if I do, I need to get going on the grad applications.
Yep, no rest for the weary...
Well, I am going to review my music theory and prep to write Grade 4 Royal Conservatory Harmony. I'm attempting to learn the guitar and have made that my summer goal. I will still be working at the auto trader and I'm going to be a conversationalist at the university with some students from Hungary who are learning English. That will be a lot of fun.
The life of a teacher does not mean slack summers. I need to figure out what is happening in the fall - currently I am back on the sub list. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that. I need to decide if I want to go back to school and if I do, I need to get going on the grad applications.
Yep, no rest for the weary...
Monday, June 23, 2008
Decisions...life altering decisions
The dreaded decision...the ball in the pit of your stomach when suddenly so many options loom before you. What if you choose wrong? Then what happens? What if knowing that you are going to make a decision that could very well alter the course of your life forever is both exciting and petrifying at the same time?
I would love to go back to school. There is nothing I love more than conducting. It brings me great joy and pleasure. It is a beautiful thing to hear the sound of a choir that really gels, that blends and creates music that entertains and moves all at the same time. I would love to study it more in depth, to truly grasp the techniques and nuances of a great conductor.
At the same time, I love to teach and have interviewed for a position that most high school music teachers would kill for. A private school gig...lots of freedom and a program that really can be developed to suit what you want to do.
So many choices...so much pressure...too many choices!
I would love to go back to school. There is nothing I love more than conducting. It brings me great joy and pleasure. It is a beautiful thing to hear the sound of a choir that really gels, that blends and creates music that entertains and moves all at the same time. I would love to study it more in depth, to truly grasp the techniques and nuances of a great conductor.
At the same time, I love to teach and have interviewed for a position that most high school music teachers would kill for. A private school gig...lots of freedom and a program that really can be developed to suit what you want to do.
So many choices...so much pressure...too many choices!
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Saying Goodbye...Again
I've taught at Thom Collegiate for 3 years now...great times, wonderful students (well, sometimes), amazing friends and a huge learning curve that has prepared me for more than I thought 3 years could. I said goodbye last year when my contract ended mid-May, but spent most of May and June there still subbing. I'm saying goodbye again this year as my contract ends on the last day of school and was not renewed for another. I'm not ready to say goodbye.
My students were finally on a roll. We had worked through a lot of difficulties as a class and I had actually come to love them. We were learning, exploring, developing...but that all began to happen in the last month. I need another month, then they'll be ready for grade 10.
I love the friends that I've made and I know that I'll still see them and hang out, but things will change, regardless, because I won't be there everyday. New students will come, new friends will be made, but I'll be on the outside looking in. That's not fun.
My time at Thom has challenged me in so many ways. I've taught a million different subjects - math, English, drama, food studies, housing, information processing, choir, vocal jazz - which isn't quite a million, but it sure felt like it when I was trying to prep the new classes, working to sometimes stay just one step ahead. I've dealt with students that can be difficult and challenging; students that are working so hard to excell; fought with students to make them want to excell and even seen some results. Those are the moments when I feel so proud as a teacher. Then there are the ones you fight for and fail to see results that make you feel like you could have done so much better. So many lessons...
So I say goodbye one more time, wondering what next fall will bring, what I'll be doing, wondering if it is possible to be back there one more time, only this time, not have to say goodbye.
My students were finally on a roll. We had worked through a lot of difficulties as a class and I had actually come to love them. We were learning, exploring, developing...but that all began to happen in the last month. I need another month, then they'll be ready for grade 10.
I love the friends that I've made and I know that I'll still see them and hang out, but things will change, regardless, because I won't be there everyday. New students will come, new friends will be made, but I'll be on the outside looking in. That's not fun.
My time at Thom has challenged me in so many ways. I've taught a million different subjects - math, English, drama, food studies, housing, information processing, choir, vocal jazz - which isn't quite a million, but it sure felt like it when I was trying to prep the new classes, working to sometimes stay just one step ahead. I've dealt with students that can be difficult and challenging; students that are working so hard to excell; fought with students to make them want to excell and even seen some results. Those are the moments when I feel so proud as a teacher. Then there are the ones you fight for and fail to see results that make you feel like you could have done so much better. So many lessons...
So I say goodbye one more time, wondering what next fall will bring, what I'll be doing, wondering if it is possible to be back there one more time, only this time, not have to say goodbye.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
"Who Has Your Heart"
I'm reading a really great book by Emily Ryan called "Who Has Your Heart?". Basically, it is a book about learning to live as a single woman. I think the church has created a stigma about being single. In the secular world, people rarely ask me when I'm going to get married. They may ask me if I ever want to get married, but they rarely ask "when". If I knew when I was going to meet that special someone and get married, I'm sure that I'd be telling the world. I have discovered that so much value is placed on being married by the church. Yes, it is ordained by God and yes, it is a blessing and a gift, but if God has chosen to not have me at that place at this point in my life, then does it make me less of a person or less useful to the church and to the call of Christ? No, I don't think it does. That being said, as a single girl, I must find where my place in the church is, regardless of my marital status.Emily made a couple of points in the last chapter that really made me stop and think. She writes about discovering your identity and the importance of realizing that who you are is who you will be...married or single. Getting married does not change your identity. She writes that often we, as women, wait until we are married to discover who we are. The question we should be asking ourselves, at this moment, is "who am I now?".
The second thing that really stuck me in this chapter was when she talked about waiting. Her writing is so candid. She's having a little conversation with God that goes something like this (pg. 52):
"God, I know I have to wait on You. I fought it for a long time, but I've accepted it now. But what do I do in the meantime?"
"Wait on Me."
"God, I got that part. Didn't you just hear me? I said that I've accepted the fact that I'm supposed to wait on You. Just tell me what to do while I'm waiting."
"Wait"
"So you want me to wait while I wait?"
"Yes"
"God, I love you, and I don't want to sound disrespectful, but that's crazy! How can I wait while I wait?"
And he just smiled (that's how I pictured it, anyway) and said again, "Just wait. You'll see soon enough what I mean."
She goes on to redefine the word "wait". To wait means to serve. So while we are waiting, we are to be serving. What a great way to discover your identity. Through service!
The last thing that really hit me in this chapter was about independence. Sometimes as a single woman, I get so caught up in my independence that I forget about the fact that I am still dependent...on God. She writes about how a single woman can become so proud of her independence that she forgets that she is in dependence on God. Independence is wavering and fragile. Living in dependence on God means there will be solid footing, a steady hold when things happen that we cannot control.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Who am I?
Who am I?
~
I'm the good girl, the strong one
Or so they all say
I'm obedient, reserved, naive
"She doesn't struggle, her faith is so strong"
How can I tell them, they've labelled me wrong?
~
Who am I?
~
I'm hurting and lonely, stuck in a rut
My heart has been broken, my hope has been cut
I wear the facade, day after day
The pain is all hidden, tucked deep down to stay
~
Who am I?
~
What would they do, if I shouted it out
That is not who I am, stop making assumptions
I'm searching, I'm hurting, confused and afraid
Can't you see that I'm drowning,
Unable to be
all that's expected of me?
~
Who am I?
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The Fairy Tale
I look into his eyes and see myself reflected
I listen to his voice and hear my words accepted
My hand brushes his and I feel my heart quicken
I long for him to understand
My feelings go deeper than friend to friend affection
It's a mystery to me, why my heart chose you
How I long to make it known, to take you by the hand
But something holds me back, something I don't understand
The fear of being turned away
The fear of feeling only your rejection
What happened to the fairy tale ending
So silently I stare
Quietly I listen
Slowly I let space invade this close connection
I will let you go and you won't even know
That once upon a time you held my heart
I listen to his voice and hear my words accepted
My hand brushes his and I feel my heart quicken
I long for him to understand
My feelings go deeper than friend to friend affection
It's a mystery to me, why my heart chose you
How I long to make it known, to take you by the hand
But something holds me back, something I don't understand
The fear of being turned away
The fear of feeling only your rejection
What happened to the fairy tale ending
So silently I stare
Quietly I listen
Slowly I let space invade this close connection
I will let you go and you won't even know
That once upon a time you held my heart
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Seussical
For the past three months, I have done something I never before thought I'd do...I was in a musical. AND it was soooo much fun. I've learned so much about myself, made new friends, discovered a talent I didn't know I had, dressed up like a bird, danced, and I'm sure there are more, but that's enough.
The show was called "Seussical" and is based on stories by Dr. Seuss. I was part of the bird girls, noted in the script as "a flamboyant bird group". The plot has two story lines (kind of). There is the story of Horton who is trying to save the tiniest planet of Who and his little friend JoJo, and there is the story of Gertrude loves Horton, but he just doesn't notice her...of course he does in the end! What kind of story would it be if Horton and Gertrude didn't fall in love in the end?!
I seem to be a bit sentimental lately, but this musical has shown me some things about myself and has actually taught me a lesson through the somewhat bizarre plot. I will share that another day. Right now, it is rumbling around in my head.
Off to the second last show I go!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Taking Inventory
About a month ago, I was feeling a bit down in the dumps...several incidents had happened and I really felt low about myself. I wrote a long, rambling e-mail to Janine and just poured out all that was on my heart. She wrote back to me the following words, "It is good to look at where we are at and ask ourselves if there is anything more we think we could be doing/need to be doing to improve who we are inside and out. That's ok...to ask the Lord that but to be satisfied in who He has created us to be...the things that can't change, that He doesn't want to change, that He intended to be a certain way". Man, did that hit home. I always want to change things that are unchangeable. So, I decided to take inventory of myself...characteristics I like, characteristics I wish I could change. There are certain aspects of my personality that can be very good, but that can also be detrimental. So here is the list I came up with:
1) I am very affectionate and always have been. I communicate through touch and know that. It is sometimes difficult for me to be conscious of the fact that being affectionate in this day and age is not always an option. As a teacher, I need to be very careful if I place a hand on a students shoulder or if I touch their arm as they walk away when I'm speaking with them...it can have disaterous effects.
Now giving affection doesn't seem so bad, but on the flipside, it is a problem that I crave it back. I live on my own, am a single gal...so I don't receive affection on a daily basis. This can truly be a problem for me. More on that later...
2) I am impatient! I don't like to wait. I don't like to keep others waiting, which means I am often impatient with myself. I don't pray for more patience because I assume that means that I will have more trying things placed in my life...no thanks! I figure that can be the last fruit of the Spirit I work on.
3) I'm a complainer. This is the number one thing on my list to change. I don't like being a complainer and since I've taken inventory, I've realized just how bad it has become. I have a great life, wonderful friends, a cute little house, a car that works, family who love me, and a job (even if I don't love it, at least it pays the bills, so why do I complain about it?). I am working at being thankful, because in my mind if I am thankful, then there will be no need to complain. I'm working on it...
4) I'm a peacemaker. I don't particularly like confrontation. However, I have discovered that sometimes confrontation is inevitable and really is part of the process of communication. Does this mean I want to be a fighter?? NO! It just means I need to understand that it will happen and how will I react when it does? You can't always just walk away.
5) I am loyal...I am loyal to the point that people can walk all over me and I'll not say a word. If we are friends, I will stand there and take it. I think this can go back to confrontation. I like to be at peace with the people around me, so I think that by being loyal, there will be no confrontation. It's a vicious cycle. Dictionary.com defines "loyal" as...being characterized by or showing faithfulness to. I am faithful...like a sweet puppy. How wonderful for me (please note the sarcasm...). Now, please understand, I know that loyalty is an awesome quality. I know it is part of the fabric of my being, BUT everyone has a limit and I must find mine.
6) I am talented...but I often compare my talents to others. I am beginning to recognize that the talents God gave me are to be used. If all I do is compare them to others, but I don't develop them, then they will be wasted. I'm working on this. I'm singing in a musical, which I never thought I'd do. It has been so fun and such a huge learning experience. I would say that it is one of the best memories I have made. It has been challenging, frustrating, fun, exciting...I've made great new friends, I feel like I fit in....that's super special. I'm playing piano more now than I ever have before. I am getting more confident about accompanying myself. I never thought I would do that. More on that later, too...
I will save the rest of my thoughts for another day...it is time to go to said musical! Break a leg :)
1) I am very affectionate and always have been. I communicate through touch and know that. It is sometimes difficult for me to be conscious of the fact that being affectionate in this day and age is not always an option. As a teacher, I need to be very careful if I place a hand on a students shoulder or if I touch their arm as they walk away when I'm speaking with them...it can have disaterous effects.
Now giving affection doesn't seem so bad, but on the flipside, it is a problem that I crave it back. I live on my own, am a single gal...so I don't receive affection on a daily basis. This can truly be a problem for me. More on that later...
2) I am impatient! I don't like to wait. I don't like to keep others waiting, which means I am often impatient with myself. I don't pray for more patience because I assume that means that I will have more trying things placed in my life...no thanks! I figure that can be the last fruit of the Spirit I work on.
3) I'm a complainer. This is the number one thing on my list to change. I don't like being a complainer and since I've taken inventory, I've realized just how bad it has become. I have a great life, wonderful friends, a cute little house, a car that works, family who love me, and a job (even if I don't love it, at least it pays the bills, so why do I complain about it?). I am working at being thankful, because in my mind if I am thankful, then there will be no need to complain. I'm working on it...
4) I'm a peacemaker. I don't particularly like confrontation. However, I have discovered that sometimes confrontation is inevitable and really is part of the process of communication. Does this mean I want to be a fighter?? NO! It just means I need to understand that it will happen and how will I react when it does? You can't always just walk away.
5) I am loyal...I am loyal to the point that people can walk all over me and I'll not say a word. If we are friends, I will stand there and take it. I think this can go back to confrontation. I like to be at peace with the people around me, so I think that by being loyal, there will be no confrontation. It's a vicious cycle. Dictionary.com defines "loyal" as...being characterized by or showing faithfulness to. I am faithful...like a sweet puppy. How wonderful for me (please note the sarcasm...). Now, please understand, I know that loyalty is an awesome quality. I know it is part of the fabric of my being, BUT everyone has a limit and I must find mine.
6) I am talented...but I often compare my talents to others. I am beginning to recognize that the talents God gave me are to be used. If all I do is compare them to others, but I don't develop them, then they will be wasted. I'm working on this. I'm singing in a musical, which I never thought I'd do. It has been so fun and such a huge learning experience. I would say that it is one of the best memories I have made. It has been challenging, frustrating, fun, exciting...I've made great new friends, I feel like I fit in....that's super special. I'm playing piano more now than I ever have before. I am getting more confident about accompanying myself. I never thought I would do that. More on that later, too...
I will save the rest of my thoughts for another day...it is time to go to said musical! Break a leg :)
Why will I ramble?
I'm not the journaling type, nor do I really expect anyone to read this...however, in order for me to write down and sort out my thoughts, I must make it as though there will be an audience. I don't believe there will be any audience but myself, but at least I will be able to put down some of the thoughts that are rambling around in my head.
I originally wanted to call the blog "the ramblings of a lonely heart" but lonely didn't seem like the right word. After much thought, I realized it is actually the ramblings of a longing heart. There are so many things my heart is longing for and so many areas that I long to see changed, established, improved, or removed - really, just so many longings. So there you have it, "the ramblings of a longing heart" is what it shall be.
There will be no research, possibly a few quotes from unpublished people, maybe even some things that are inspirational, but really it will just be me, rambling. Which I seem to do quite well.
I'll see where this takes me...maybe it will make me a better person, a better thinker, a better analyser or maybe it will just help to relieve me of some of the thoughts in my head that I hold for so long because there is just no one who wants or really cares to know. This will be my listening companion.
I originally wanted to call the blog "the ramblings of a lonely heart" but lonely didn't seem like the right word. After much thought, I realized it is actually the ramblings of a longing heart. There are so many things my heart is longing for and so many areas that I long to see changed, established, improved, or removed - really, just so many longings. So there you have it, "the ramblings of a longing heart" is what it shall be.
There will be no research, possibly a few quotes from unpublished people, maybe even some things that are inspirational, but really it will just be me, rambling. Which I seem to do quite well.
I'll see where this takes me...maybe it will make me a better person, a better thinker, a better analyser or maybe it will just help to relieve me of some of the thoughts in my head that I hold for so long because there is just no one who wants or really cares to know. This will be my listening companion.
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