This is what I know...

Our first week of Christmas camp is drawing to a close and I've discovered some things about myself over the last few days - some good, some bad. It is interesting to be in the setting we are. We are a 10 minute drive from the edge of the nearest town, so since we have arrived at camp, we really have just been here. For the first few days, except for a few of the workers, we were out here all on our own.
So, here is what I know...

I've realized that I love familiarity. We've become comfortable in our surroundings and it is now familiar. I'm glad that we will have another week of time here to rest, do school and rehearsals, and just have a break. I've been very glad for the downtime and I think our schedule has allowed for a break for each of the chaperones without one person feeling like they bear the weight of duty.

I've realized that I am not good at play. The beginning of our break was mostly play. The children have loved it, but even they are tired! Benson came beside me today just before supper and laid his head on my shoulder. As I hugged him, I asked if he was tired. He turned his head towards me and yawned..."oh yes, Auntie. I am ready for bed!". The children have played soccer for hours, coloured, played games, wrestled and pretty much tired themselves out. I can only play for so long before I need a break. My imagination isn't made to play dolls for hours or run around a soccer field. I'm not good at it. I try to be and I think I'm getting better, but it does not come naturally to me.

I do well in change when I anticipate it, but I don't do well when it comes at me without warning. When I am given a schedule, I like it to stay that way. I don't like when the schedule changes simply due to lack of communication.

Intimate friendships are hard for me. I have thoughts to share, but I don't share them lightly. I haven't had a deep face-to-face conversation in 4 months. I've listened as part of a deep conversation, but I don't engage in it.

I like to have a purpose. I think I've done dishes after most of the meals and I enjoy it. Part of me realizes that I can be more of a Martha than a Mary and I need to work on that, but I also think that those are ways in which I show love. What I need to work at is finding a good balance of work and interaction.

I miss church. I miss my church. I miss the people that I worshiped with. I miss Pastor Dave's sermons that so often hit right where my heart needed it. We are church. This past Sunday we got to just go to church. No concert, no promotion, just church attenders. It was so great. I am glad that we will get to do it again next Sunday.

On a different note, I miss Vic. We are a different team without him. He is the emulsifier that mixes the water and oil together. I miss his perspective. I'm glad he'll be back.

Christmas was great. As I reflect back on this year, I can't believe how much has happened. 2009 was a great year and this has been a wonderful way to end.

Things I Love about Choir 35

1) Small hands catching mine.
2) The children fighting to stand beside me in devotions
3) Soccer games where all I do is run around screaming
4) Searching a field for my keys after a game of chase with Reagan
5) 23 hugs in the morning
6) Giggles
7) Laughing with Amy
8) Playing jokes on Tony
9) Shopping trips
10) Chats on the bus with Vic
11) David and Liz coming to visit
12) Host families that feel comfortable after just a few minutes
13) Chelsea's hugs
14) Priscillah's little voice calling me on the bus
15) Hearing the children pray
16) Alex asking "are you fine?"
17) Grace dancing with a huge smile on her face
18) Ritah singing Mwejje/Natamba
19) Stella's imagination
20) My home on Village 2 where it is just the chaperones and the children - no expectations, just us
21) Tony's stories in devotions that capture the children and the chaperones just the same
22) Benson's hugs that can last forever
23) My rotating bus buddies
24) Cleaning the bus with Alesha (we both take great joy in this!)
25) Little adventures that bring so much joy - like a trip to the ocean or seeing the Lights of Christmas
26) The funny little phrases that the children say and the laughs those little mix ups bring

The Need for Solitude

I have always been a person who needs to have a significant amount of alone time in order to function to the best of my ability. These last few weeks have been busy and solitude has been hard to come by. Tonight, the choir is staying together again at Auntie Judy's house, but this time it is following a concert and not a week off for Thanksgiving. I am staying at a hotel. As I was saying good-night, I found myself sad that I would be missing out on a night with everyone, but at the same time being so glad to have some time to myself. It was a strange tug-of-war going on within my heart as I remembered that there would be more together times (like in 2 sleeps) and wondering about what fun I would miss. The children are so fun to be around and often say and do the funniest things and time with just the other chaperones is good for us as a team. Knowing that I will miss out almost made me want to stay. BUT the need for some quiet won out and I am so glad it did. This evening of quiet has been wonderful for my spirit. As I sit here in the quietness of my room, I can feel myself relaxing and the tension of the day leaving. This is just what I needed.

As I was giving Alex a hug good-night, he asked where I was going. I told him that tonight I had my own room at another place. As he hugged me, he looked up and asked who would be there to protect me. What would I do if something happened and I was all by myself? The genuine concern that this 9 year old boy was showing for me brought tears to my eyes. He was so worried that his auntie wouldn't have someone there if she needed it. In the midst of all the chaos, he showed me so much love. I am so blessed.

So, tonight I sit in quiet, thankful that I have these moments to collect myself, yet missing my children. They have captured my heart.

29

Happy birthday to me :)

I've been fretting about turning 29. One year away from "...and holding". But, everyone that I've talked to says that the 30's are the best years. I don't know why and it seems neither do they, but I'm ready to find out.

So, here is a synopsis of my birthday on the road...

The night before, I went to sleep on an air mattress with sheets that said "happy birthday, Eeyore" - seemed fitting. In the morning, my host wrote Happy Birthday on my lunch bag and took a picture of me and the boys. They had big happy birthday hugs and sweet smiles to greet me with when I woke them up. When we arrived at the church, the children had big hugs and a surprise for me. Chelsea had them all make me a card and when we were on the bus and ready to go, they sang me Happy Birthday and held up all their cards and a big poster that said Happy Birthday. My cards are so sweet. I am blessed to have 23 beautiful children who love to draw! Chelsea and Alesha gave me a beautiful bracelet and funny "mom" calendar, so along with my package from Ang and Laura, I was spoiled beyond belief.

That evening at the church, the pastor found out that it was my birthday and had the audience sing Happy Birthday to me before I introduced the choir. I was both embarrassed and blessed. Then to top it off, in the second service, they did the same thing...ahahahaha. I had a fantastic couple as my host that evening and I was able to hangout with them and chat before heading up to bed. She had a little gift for me in my room and I felt so blessed.

The next morning, three of the girls had more birthday cards for me that they had drawn with their host (he was an artist). After supper at our next church, Alesha and Chelsea had a cake for me and another round of Happy Birthday from the audience followed at this church. Who knew a birthday could be so fun?! :)

Maybe 29 isn't so bad after all...

Renewal

One of the chaperones on my team always says that red is the colour of death, that's why the leaves on the trees turn red and fall off. But, I've decided it means something better. It means renewal. Being on the West coast, I've gotten to see the colours of fall in a much more vibrant way than I think I ever remember seeing. The red, gold, orange and brown all mixed together creates so much beauty. I was thinking about how needed it is for those leaves to change colour and fall to the ground. The tree would not survive if it wasn't able to go through the renewal process. It goes dormant through the winter and then when spring arrives, it begins the process of regrowth.

I've had a rough few days, but I think I'm just going through a bit of winter. My mind needs to go through a process of renewal. Watching the leaves change colour and prepare for regrowth has reminded me that I can never just think that I have reached the place God wants me to be. There will always be areas that need to be renewed, improved. Fall is my favourite time of year and being here in Oregon has certainly solidified that for me. I want my life to be as beautiful in the renewal process as creation is. I know that in these next few months, I'm going to grow and change more than I ever thought possible. God is reworking my heart to be prepared for those new lessons he's going to teach when my heart is ready for the growth.

Endings and Beginnings

It is strange to me to know what an end will be like when the I am really just at the beginning. Choir 32 is getting ready to wrap up their tour and soon the chaperones will be heading to their homes and the children will be returning to Africa. As I read their blogs and look at their pictures, I think about my brief time with them and I know that I was forever changed just from being a part of their lives for those 2 weeks. I think about how it must feel to be preparing to say good bye after over a year of touring as a family. And I realize that before I know it, my turn will come.

Tonight we are sleeping in a gym...everyone together in one big room. This is our first big sleepover. Amidst all the chaos and craziness of getting everyone showered and ready for bed, I realized that these opportunities are not going to be around forever and that I need to make the most of it. As I sit here writing, all my children are sleeping soundly in their sleeping bags, and soon the rest of the chaperones and I will join them. Before they went to bed, I got 23 hugs and when they wake up in the morning, I will get 23 more. I am reminding myself not to take those for granted, because in just a few months time, the reality of those hugs around my waist will only be a memory.

I have become....

...a mom.

And here is why.

In one day, I pulled out of my purse a frog toy, three training bras, and love notes from my kiddos. I am the proud "parent" of 23 children. I share them with 7 other adults from 4 different countries. AND I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.

Oy vey :)

Choir 35 Family

I am thankful for...

1) A family that is so supportive
2) New friends who understand what this new life is about
3) Children who love unconditionally
4) Host families that give of their time to house us
5) A niece who sends me text messages
6) Pumpkin pie
7) Skype dates with far away friends
8) Blackberry Messenger
9) Leaves that are turning colour
10) Wi Fi
11) A home on wheels
12) Days off
13) Moments of revelation
14) Pandora Radio
15) Chai tea

My new favourite conversation

On the way to our host's home in Marysville, I was sitting beside Reagan in the car. He takes my hand and turns to look at me. And he says, "Auntie, we need to talk." First of all, that's funny. So serious. Then he says, "Before you came to tour, we stayed six nights, four nights, five nights...then you came to tour and we stay one night, one night, one night. Auntie, I am going to send you back to Canada and I'm going to be tour leader. If I need you, I will call the number on my bracelet." Bahahahahaha! So I tell him, "If I go back to Canada, I won't have the phone." Then he says, "Then I will phone Auntie Marci and she will call you. Uncle Vic will take you to the border in the bus." Ah, he cracks me up.

Then today he told me he changed his mind because we will be having a three night stay. I guess he loves me after all!

A trip to the Dentist

I am amazed at all the ways God brings blessings. BIG Blessings! We were able to take all the children to the dentist - all 23 of them and the 2 African Chaperones. It was so great. Dr. Mills did everything - he cleaned their teeth, did fillings and extractions and even did a root canal. He donated all his time. The children have been having trouble with their teeth, so it was really great to get them into the dentist. We couldn't have asked for better timing. It is the beginning of tour so we are now set to go. I don't think some of them would have lasted much longer with the pain in their teeth.

The children were such troopers. Some of them were really scared, but they still sat in the chair and had their teeth cleaned. It was strange to see how much they trust us. A couple of the children asked to have us sit with them while they had the work done on their teeth, but most of them seemed to know that we were doing this for their good and they went in with no problems. I'm so proud of them!

On the Road...Finally!

It's been a busy two weeks and I think I'm finally getting the hang of this thing called tour. Life on the bus is going to be interesting, but I think I'm going to really enjoy it. I am getting to know our children and the other chaperones and I'm realizing that this year is going to be about relationships. It doesn't matter how much paperwork I need to get done or the detail calls that need to be made - if the relationships fall, then so will all those other things.

It has been wonderful to be back with the children. I am so glad to finally be back into the thick of things. I truly enjoyed my time in BC, but I'm glad to feel like I'm being productive and that I actually have a goal to work toward. I arrived with the choir on September 1 and we've been going full steam ahead since then. I had a wonderful time in Monroe, which was my first host church. My host family was amazing. They were so warm and inviting and they blessed me so much. I was blessed to use their vehicle for the week which made things so much easier as we were without our bus. Alesha and I were able to run errands and not feel like we were imposing on someone. I did get lost :) But thankfully Robin was able to guide me back to my host home - an hour and a half after I left the church after the concert...oops!

Since Monroe, we've been to Seattle, Wenatchee, Moses Lake, Hayden Lake and we're currently in Spokane. We'll be here for a few days. I have had great host family stays and I'm enjoying seeing the children interact with the American families that we stay with. I am proud of the way they have been adapting and when I stop to think about it, they are doing an amazing job. My children are only 7-10 years old and they are doing things that I would have never thought possible. They are very adaptable and willing to try new things (well, most of them!). We have been overwhelming blessed by the churches we have stayed with. They give so much to the children and the chaperones. We just had a church donate 23 Children's Devotional Bibles and the children were so excited. We also have had people donate toothpaste, toothbrushes, water, lotion, books and many clothing items. I am always amazed when we ask for things on our wish list, how quickly we have been blessed in receiving them.

On Labour Day Monday, my host took me and the 2 girls I had for the stay to the Seattle Aquarium. It was so much fun. Amy and her 3 girls also joined us. It was a blast to watch them as they discovered all the creatures of the sea. They enjoyed it so much.

Now that we are in Spokane, I get to spend some time with Marci, my choir manager. She is going to be moving on from the ACC, but I'm so thankful that we were able to have this time before we make the big switch to David. She is an amazing woman with a huge heart for Africa. I love her and have learned so much from her in the short time that we have been friends.

We are still praying for Mel and Vic's Visas to be granted. They are the last link to our team being complete. I can't wait for them to join us. I am being stretched in ways I never thought possible and joke that our team is so flexible we are practically contortionists! We are learning to adapt to every possible situation and it is amazing how much you can actually give when you don't have any other options.

I am grateful that God's strength and grace continue to be poured out. There is no other way we could do this. Even when I am tired, God's strength is there to carry me through. Such an amazing blessing.

Stuck in BC

So, things have not been going as planned. BUT, I'm learning to take each day as it comes.

I have been stranded in British Columbia for a week and one day. At first, it was so frustrating and I felt so angry, but as the week has progressed, I have discovered that I am feeling rested and blessed.

I have spent a few days at the Music for Life/African Children's Choir office. I'm getting to know the people who really work behind the scenes to make this ministry possible. I have taken over Dave's old cubicle and done some work, but mostly I have done whatever Mike needs me to do. It's been fun.

At first, I felt like a huge inconvenience. I don't know anyone in this area of BC, so staff from the office have been taking care of me. It has been hard to be so dependent, but I've been so blessed. I've stayed with 2 different families from the office and I've made some wonderful friends. Hanging out with Rhonda has been so much fun. They've also given me freedom and space, things that I really need.

Langley is a beautiful place and in reality, I could be stranded in a much worse place :) It's not home, but it feels comfortable and I really am enjoying being here.

This morning at church, the pastor spoke on being in exile and I leaned over to Rhonda and said that is how I feel. He talked about how when we are in exile, we shouldn't be praying to get out, but praying into our situation. I have not been praying for that. I want out, but really, I should be asking God to show me what he wants me to learn from this experience.

So, although I would love to be in the States with my choir and the other chaperones, I am thankful for this time that God has given me. I am blessed in the midst of the storm.

Discovering Uganda

I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head after my time in Uganda. Bear with me...this may be long and disconnected but at least the thoughts will be out!

I honestly never thought that I would go to Africa. It isn't a place that I know a lot about. It isn't even a place I thought a lot about or wondered about. It seems to me that God has planted me in a completely different direction than I ever thought possible.

My time in Uganda was both good and hard. It was an amazing, confusing, thought-provoking, emotional, joyful, stressful, enlightning and a million-other-feelings-that-I-can't-begin-to-put-into-words time. I think the learning curve was so high at the beginning of my time there that I almost blocked it out.

I arrived in the evening and spent my first night at Lwaza with Choir 34. The next afternoon, Uncle Abraham drove me into Makindye where I got to meet my choir. What an amazing experience. The children all lined up and gave me a big hug and introduced themselves. Uncle Barnett made sure they knew who I was and they were all pretty excited.

My first sort of "crazy culture" experience was going into Kampala with Barnett. We rode on the public transportation, which is a 14 seat van-taxi. It was unbelievable. You stand on the side of the road until a taxi with free seats drives by. Barnett took me around Kampala after we visited Ambassadors of Hope - the Music for Life sponsorship office. I met Mammy Rubina who has been with the organization since the first choir back in 1984.

Kampala has more people than I think I could have ever imagined. Everywhere you looked - people. People walking, riding bodabodas, getting in taxis, buying almost anything you could imagine from a street vendor or a market stall or even a high class store front. I felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of people. But, beyond that was the level of class that could be seen everywhere you looked. From the beggar on the street corner to the businessman in his suit or the little street stand outside the hightech electornics store. So many contradictions.

I really got settled in to life at Makindye. Being in the compound was very comfortable and it was easy to forget that there was life outside of the fences. At Makindye, I observed a lot of rehearsals, taught a little bit of school and in general just hung out with the people who work there. I had many wonderful conversations with Kenneth and Morris. I learned a lot from hearing their perspectives and thoughts on both Africa and America. Auntie Ruth - who is the training centre cook - was also a source of knowledge for me. Watching the amazing way she served the children was such a lesson to me. She loves them fully and builds into their lives in the amazing way she serves.

I was also very blessed to spend some time with Auntie Sally. She is an amazing woman who really opened up my eyes and my heart to the mission of Music for Life and the African Children's Choir. She has lived in Africa for many years and really has an excellent perspective on African/American relationships and cultural differences. I found in her a kindred spirit and beyond the culture talks shared many wonderful laughs and chats with her.

However, the hardest part of my time in Africa was my home visits. I was fortunate to be able to meet 10 of the 12 Ugandan children's families. It was amazing yet difficult to go to the homes of my children. It is true that the African Children's Choir is helping Africa's most vulnerable. It doesn't mean that our children are orphans, it just means that they come from very needy homes. Several of the homes I went to were the size of the bathroom in my home - and a family lives there. Imagine for a moment that you live in a space the size of your bathroom and that the actual bathroom is a communal "long-drop" that you walk to some distance from your home. Then imagine that in that space, there is no electricity and your roof is a piece of tin that you've set on top of some random nailed boards and is held on by rocks. Or imagine that your house is made of red clay and when it rains, it melts. Can you imagine? I couldn't imagine. But suddenly, I was there. Seeing. Knowing. Wondering. Hurting.

I have some very sweet children in my choir. Seeing where they come from makes me wonder how they can still be so sweet. My children have come from situations that could never be imagined by the children in America. My children are the same age as my neice and I can't imagine her living in the conditions in which they do.

Then, on top of all the emotions that I was feeling, I was amazed at the beauty of many of the families I visited. In one home, the mother prayed for us before we left and I have never felt so blessed. I didn't know what she was praying - she was praying in Lugandan - but I knew that she was praying for God's blessings to be upon us. It was amazing. She was so thankful that we would give her daughter this opportunity. An opportunity that she would not likely get otherwise.

I am not the same person I was when I left 2 weeks ago. I am changed. Deeply. I am still figuring this out. So many more thoughts to work out. I know I will need a bit more time. I'm so grateful for this experience. I am grateful that God saw fit to put me into this position. Life will never be the same.

Love much, hurt deeply

*I promise that a post is coming about my time in Uganda. I am still processing. This is an update on the days since I have been back*

I arrived home from Uganda without my bag and without an American Visa. We were supposed to have one night in Canada and then the three Canadians were going to head down to the US on Saturday. No such luck. The American Chaperones ended up joining us here in Langley and we did our training at the home of the Volunteer co-ordinator for the ACC. No big deal, training can happen anywhere. So, now it has been 3 days and still no Visas. I am hanging out at the Music for Life office, hoping and praying that they will be approved soon.

The hardest part about this is knowing that I will most likely not get to meet my babies at the airport. I fell in love with the children from my choir during my time in Uganda and knowing that they will arrive there without me to greet them is so hard. It is hard to believe that as Canadians, we are having a harder time with the Visa application process than 13 Ugandans and 12 Kenyans. So much for neighbourly love.

It is very much a guessing game as to when/if the Visas will come. I am trying to remember that God's timing is so much greater than mine, but right now my heart is very sad that I may miss out on the next few days with the children and the rest of our chaperone team. This week of training was great, but we were still without our 2 African chaperones and Auntie Stacie who will be joining us for the next month. It may be at least a week before we become a complete team - and that is even a bit optimistic.

I am praying that God works it out knowing that he could make this miracle happen, yet asking him to help me recognize that this is out of my control and should his answer be "no", that I will take it with the love and grace in which he sends it.

I loved much. I hurt deeply. 10 months with the children is still ahead, but I feel like I'll be missing out on the beginning. I like beginnings.

Oh my soul...

I have been on the road for 10 days and I'm enjoying it so much. Tomorrow, I leave for Uganda and when I get back, I'll be on the road for 10 months! I hope that after a few months I still enjoy it as much as I do now.

I'm excited, nervous and a bit apprehensive to be going to Uganda. I will be travelling on my own, but I think that will be fine. I have a few extra suitcases to take because I'm taking all my children's sweatshirts! Makes it seem so real to have their stuff in my possession.

I love the children of Choir 32 and am sad to leave them. I have also made some great friendships with the other chaperones and I will miss being with them. I hope that I will be able to connect with my own team that way that I have with this team.

A few of my favourite things - "oh my soul", hugs every morning, hugs every night, worship in devotions with the children, Peace singing "You are my shepherd", late night snacks with Auntie Laura, and Gilbert Big's facial expressions.

One part of this journey is ending, the next part is beginning. Praise God from whom all blessings flow - even the ones that you have to leave behind.

The World is About to Change

I am officially on the road with the African Children's Choir. I just completed day 2 of my training with Choir 32. I'm having a great time so far. I've never had so many hugs in one day. Since one of my love languages is definitely affection/touch, it has been pretty great for me! Every morning as the kids come in, they give me a hug and say "Good Morning, Auntie Stacy!". It's pretty darn cute.

I'm glad that things have started out well. It was tough to say good-bye and I certainly shed a lot of tears. Saying good-bye to my family was especially tough. I am realizing that many changes will have happened by the time I see them again. My oldest niece really understands that Auntie is going to be gone a long time and we had some tears together. She couldn't believe that I wouldn't be there for Christmas. I assured her that we would stay in touch and even chat on the web cam, but that didn't really make it any easier.

I'm so thankful that the team for Choir 32 has welcomed me in so graciously. I know that having an extra person around can be a big pain, but they have been awesome. I know that I will have made life-long friends at the end of these 2 weeks.

So, here I am. A little nervous, a lot excited. As Michael said, the world is about to change. It might only be mine or the world of a few young African children, but the world will change. I'm honoured to be a part of it - no matter how big or small my part may be.

Cryfest 2009

Yesterday was my last day at Thom. My teaching friends and I had been kinda joking for the last few weeks about Cryfest 2009 - although we all knew it would end up being true. It is hard to say good-bye to friends, especially when you see them everyday.

I did pretty good until the staff meeting. Then the speeches started and I could hardly control myself. Some of my friends have been transferred to different schools and I am leaving, so our core group is being split. Once the staff meeting was over, I managed to compose myself and had a great time at Leah's, just hanging out. I went for supper with my dad and then headed back to Leah's for the rest of the evening. I was doing pretty good until it came time to say good-bye to Gail. How do you say good-bye to the person you have spent every weekday with for 8 months? My eyes were filled with tears from the moment she started getting ready to head out.

I could not have asked for a better colleague. Gail and I worked so well together. But more than that, we were friends. Good friends. We talked about everything, laughed more than most people do with their co-workers, shared tears, dreams and frustrations. We were a great team and I will miss working with her. I will miss hanging out in the office. I will miss my friend.

I haven't said good-bye to Monique yet, so it is possible that Cryfest 2009 will have a part two, but I'm trying not to think about that right now.

So, one journey is over and another is just beginning. It's funny how change can be so exciting, yet so sad all at the same time. I'm so excited to start my position with the African Children's Choir. It's going to be a great adventure, full of challenges and rewards. It's a great change, but that doesn't mean what I'm leaving behind wasn't great too. I love teaching and I love my friends and I'm sure that when I finish my time with the ACC I'll have the same mixed feelings of emotion.

One year

Well, I've been blogging for a whole year...I'm amazed at how much I actually like it. I'm a bit sporadic and not always thought provoking, but I do definitely enjoy it. I like to go back and read my blogs. Sometimes I don't agree with what I wrote, sometimes I agree more than ever.

It's neat to see the progression of the journey. I'm not a journal writer by nature, but I'm finding typing to be kind of therapeutic. I think it is because I can go back and read what I wrote and fix. I like knowing that I can process the thoughts and not have them all scribbled out. Must be the OCD in me :)

So, happy 1 year to me. May it be followed by many more.

Lonely

I had a special concert tonight. The last one with my students. There were a lot of people there, but no one just for me. Tough to face some stuff by yourself...

Change with the times?

I read a comment the other day that said Christianity should be changing with the times. That really made me stop and think. How would it be possible for Christianity to "change with the times" without fundamentally changing Christianity?

I think the reason that Christianity has stayed so consistent throughout time is that we worship an unchanging God. We don't worship a God who's mood changes with the seasons or that is dependent upon the stars. We worship a God that is consistent, unchanging.

John 3:16 says, "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life". The fundamental belief of Christianity is that God sent his son into the world to save the world. How is it possible to change that cornerstone and not change Christianity? If the solid belief of the church is that Christ came to die for us, then we cannot change with the times unless we change our foundation. God knew that giving human beings choice would create a measure of havoc, but he also had a way for us to overcome that. His son.

I think the verse that follows John 3:16 is perhaps even more important, but much less quoted. John 3:17 says "For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved". The foundation of Christianity is not condemnation, but salvation. A church that doesn't preach God's salvation has already changed with the times. If we water down the message of Christianity, then we might as well not have Christianity at all.

I go through moments of ups and downs in my walk with the Lord. When I am being stretched and pulled in so many directions, I wonder how I will ever stay strong in my beliefs. There are so many options in our world, so many choices that seem like a "good" choice. I know that the power to stand only comes from one place - the power of God that has been given room to grow in my life. Power that God gives because I choose to place my belief in him.

I don't want Christianity to change with whatever wind happens to be blowing through society. I want the foundation of Christ to always be evident through the church. Yes, the way we do church may change - the songs we sing, the instruments we use, the way we take our offering - but the foundation of Christ must always remain. The knowledge that the only way to the Father is through is his son must always be in the forefront of who we are and what we do. If we lose that, we lose our purpose. We lose our passion.

Hurry up! Slow down!

I want time to move quickly because I can't wait for this journey with the African Children's Choir to begin and yet, I want it to slow down so that I can cherish some of the new blessings in my life that will be put on hold. There is a bit of a tug-of-war happening in my life.


It is interesting to be in a place of change that you know will not last forever. I have begun putting my house in order, deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. I will only be gone a year, so I don't want to get rid of a lot of things, but there are items in my home that I never use, so now would be a good time to purge. I don't own much in terms of monetary value, but much of what I own has sentimental value. What do I do with all that stuff?

The other area that has been difficult is friendships. I'm still forming so many great friendships and it's so hard to know that in a few months these new friendships that have blossomed will be put on hold. I worry that it will be hard to find those relationships again.

I'm really learning that even though change is good, change is not easy. Letting go is freeing, but it takes me time to get to the place to do it. I will and I can, but it is a process. A mix of emotions to go through, but I know that this is all part of the journey and all part of the lesson that God wants me to learn through it.

Reality Hits

So, over the last few weeks, I've started to make plans for things happening in the future only to realize that I'm not going to be here. I mean, I know that I'm not going to be around for a year, but sometimes I forget.

Today, I went for a walk with Monique and we got talking about the Globe Theatre and next season's line-up. Peter Pan is coming and so is A Doll's House - both shows I'd like to see. "Let's go", we say. "Sounds great", I say. "Wait a second...I can't go". "Why not?", says Monique. "I won't be here"....oh ya.

I'm super excited about going with the African Children's Choir, but it still feels a bit like a dream. I don't think reality will really hit until I'm on a bus or on a plane. Or maybe when my house is rented and I don't have a car...ya, that might be it.

All good things, but all reminders that I'll be gone. Weird. Cool, but weird.

Presentation->Perception->Reaction

This may be confusing...it is a jumbled mess in my head right now and seems to make sense, but I don't know if I have the words to get it out. I'm going to give it my best...

I've been thinking a lot about the way that I perceive things and the way that my perception of something leads to my reaction to it. I really began to wonder why we perceive things the way we do and I realized that, at least in part, it really has to do with the way something is presented. If an idea is presented negatively, even though it might be the greatest thing on earth, the perception of that will be negative and so will the reaction. If another idea is presented positively, even though it might be the worst thing on earth, the perception of that will be positive and so will the reaction. That's why we have fraud. People can present bad things in a good way.

I've been thinking particularly of Paul's letters to the various churches. I wish I could have seen their reactions to Paul's words. Even though there are times when he is being very direct about their problems, there is a sense of truth filled with love. I'm sure not all the perceptions of what Paul had to say were positive and ended with a positive reaction, but I would guess that most of what he said was taken to heart - knowing that it was spoken in love with much grace.

In Galations, Paul is chastising the church for falling away so quickly and being so ready to accept another gospel. I would think that the "other" gospel being presented was being shown in a beautiful light and so the Galations perception was that it was good. Because it was good, they reacted to it positively. Therein lies the problem. I wonder if many of the problems that the Galation church faced were caused by this "other" gospel. Had they moved so far beyond what they had been taught that they had lost the fundamentals of what it meant to follow Christ? Galations is a tough book. Paul points out many areas where the Galations had fallen, yet even in that, there is grace behind his words. In Galations 5, Paul thanks the brothers for their previous concern for him and reminds them of the joy they had in that. He tells them how worried he is about them and even warns them of the change of tone that is coming in the remainder of the letter. Presentation can generate the perception, which can generate the reaction.

I thought for a long time that I couldn't change the way people perceived my words or my actions and that I couldn't influence their reaction to the perception. I was wrong. I can to a degree and it comes from being aware of the presentation.

On the flip side, I also must be aware of others presentation and know that my perception and reaction can be held in check if I am making the effort to understand.

I've also discovered that you must be careful in the way you present things to different people. If I know that the person I am presenting to has a sensitive nature, then I must be sensitive in my presentation. If I know, on the other hand, that the person is more thick skinned, then perhaps my presentation can be more blunt. But the key to this is making sure that your presentation is done with love and grace, regardless of the tone in which it is delivered.

Now, to this point, I've only been talking about words, but presentation can also come through actions. I must guard my actions to be sure that what I am presenting is God-honouring and therefore will be perceived as such and the reaction to that will be God-honouring. In the same way, I must make sure that I stop to think about how I perceive things and that my reaction to someone else's presentation is God-honouring. It is so easy to only think about the presentation and not worry about your own perception.

I'm working on this. I want people to perceive what I do and say in the way it was intended and I want what I do and say to be filled with love and grace. You can say the tough stuff with love. Then the perception and reaction will be taken with grace.

That's the difference. Truth with love. Truth with grace.

Preparing for Change

God does things in the strangest, coolest ways. I thought it wasn't going to happen, but it has gone beyond even my wildest imagination.

I'm going to tour with the African Children's Choir. WOW!! It still feels like a dream. I put in my initial application last fall and when it came time for the phone interviews, we had a really hard time getting in touch. I was working 2 jobs and was never home. I had decided that God had closed the door when Christmas came and went and we hadn't been able to connect. But that's when God does unexpected things. I got an e-mail from the volunteer coordinator just after the new year asking to try again! I'm so glad we did.

Two interviews and a month later, I found myself on a plane heading to Langley for a weekend at Camp Brotherhood and the last of part of the interview process. I learned so much about the organization and really found myself grasping the vision. I think the organization itself is amazing and I feel confident about being a part of it.

Last Thursday, I got the call that they had a position for me. Now that the initial shock has worn off, I'm so excited. I know that life on a bus will be hard, but I also know that I am going into an amazing season of discovery, serving, and blessing. It's gonna be an unbelievable journey. And I can't wait.

I've kept this secret so long that it seems strange to be able to put it in writing. God's faithfulness overwhelms me. Even in the down times, he is putting a path before us that leads to great joy. I'm ready for this ride. I'm ready to soar.

Sitting in a Mud Puddle

It's so nice to know that I have a friend who will sit in a mud puddle with me.

I have a friend that I can be really open with. She, in turn, can be really open with me. Sometimes, she lets me help her carry her burdens and afterwards asks me why I'm her friend. I tell her it's because we all have messes...she says hers are bigger. I tell her it doesn't matter that my mess is a pond and her mess is a lake. It's still a mess.

I'm just glad that when I sit in my mud puddle, she joins me. It's so much easier when someone will sort through the mud with you. Somewhere in the mud, there is a gem.

And...for your amusement...a little poem about mud puddles (written by Dennis Lee)

I am sitting in the middle of a rather muddy puddle
With my bottom full of bubbles and my rubbers full of mud

While my jacket and my sweater go on slowly getting wetter
As I very slowly settle to the bottom of the mud

And I find that what a person with a puddle 'round his middle
Thinks of mostly in the muddle is the muddiness...OF MUD!!

Hi, my name is Stacy and I have a problem

"Just one?", you say...wow, that's a bit delusional...well, no. I actually have more than one, probably 2 for sure, but one that I think is the root of all others problems. I have given this considerable thought and I really believe overcoming this will be key to overcoming many others.

So here it is - I struggle with insignificance. And now you're thinking, "doesn't everyone?". Well, I'm sure they do to a degree, but lately this feeling of insignificance has been invading every corner of my world. I feel it in my relationships, in my job, in my family. I find myself constantly questioning where I belong and what I'm to do. I'm turning over every rock trying to discover where I will hold significance. At this moment, I feel as though I could just pick up and move and although there may be a void for a while, someone else would easily step in and fill that place - with more significance than I ever did.

To be significant means to carry meaning. It is the extent to which something matters. I'm not feeling like my life carries any meaning. I merely feel that I am existing.

In my job, I constantly feel like I am working so someone else will have it easier when they return. I'm not working to do things the best they can be for me, but the best they can be for someone else. I feel as though I'm not really doing anything that produces significance for the now or for later. I'm holding a place so that when that person returns, they will return to their place of significance.

I find myself questioning my place within my family. I'm just one person, moving along while the rest of the family is changing, molding, renewing, engaging. Where do I fit?

I feel insignificant in my relationships. I'm struggling with making connections because I see that the gifts I offer to those people are already being given by someone else. They don't need me. And although I might need them, I struggle to find a way to make that known.

I like a boy...no, let me rephrase that...I like a man. Saying boy makes it feel less intimidating. I would like to get to know him more, to find out if this friendship could turn into something else, but I won't step out and say it simply because I feel as though I won't bring anything significant to his life, even though he might bring significance to mine.

How does a person find out where their value lies? My head knows things that my heart cannot grasp. My head cannot convince my heart.

A Letter to My Saviour

To the one who knows my heart,

I haven't been focused on you enough as of late. I found another love for a moment who over took your place as the highest. I still love that other love, but not as much as I love you. I know now that the only way that other love can truly happen is if I love you first.

I recognize that I may need to push that other love off the throne sometimes and I hope that I will recognize when it starts to climb the stairs to your holy place.

You are always so gracious to me in the midst of my mistakes. Thank you for always allowing me to come back, even when I've messed up so many times. Thank you for reminding me that you still love me and still find value in me.

Your humble servant,
Me

Resting in God's Sovereignty

I've been reminded lately about the sovereignty of God. It's so much bigger than I can really fathom and so much wider than I can grasp and yet, I find it so comforting to know. God is sovereign. His sovereignty extends beyond my limited understanding to cover all things.


God is sovereign in my joy. He is sovereign in my weakness. He is sovereign over death. He is sovereign over my singleness. He is sovereign over my loneliness. He is sovereign when I feel insignificant and he is sovereign when I feel overwhelmed. He is sovereign when I think I have control of my life and he is sovereign when it feels like it is spinning out of control.


He is sovereign over Heaven and he is sovereign over earth. He is the ruler over all things.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

Art, Entrepreneurship and Me

I am a music teacher. I rarely say to people that I am a teacher. I always qualify the statement...music teacher...

For some reason, the music teacher is teaching Art 20 and Entrepreneurship 30 this semester. Why, you may ask? Because someone seems to think that because I have an education degree that I must be able to teach whatever they throw my way. And I have.

This is my most stressful semester yet. I thought that Art 20 would be the simpler of the two because my friend is the art teacher and has given me a good plan for the semester and the resources that I'll need to get through. But it isn't. The students know that I am not an art teacher and they question my authority. When I say that they aren't doing the technique correctly, they question how I know. It is a matter of knowing the concept, but not being able to do it. It's like parallel parking...I know the idea of it, but I can't do it. Not properly, anyway.

I still know more than the students do in Entrepreneurship. The curriculum, although slightly confusing, is fairly well laid out and with time and patience, I can figure it out.

We are only in week 2. I have 5 more months of this. I hope I make it. I hope the students make it.

Oy Vey!

The Heart of Worship

I love worship. It draws me to that place where I can just come before the Father and say, "here I am, in all my imperfection, bowing before you".

I haven't had a real worship experience in a while. But today at church, I had a moment where I forgot where I was and just let myself be before the throne. I was on worship team and usually I'm a bit careful about getting to wrapped up in my own worship time. The purpose of the team is to draw the congregation to the throne room, so sometimes you need to be sensitive to what is happening in the pews rather than what is happening in your own heart.

We were singing "Hosanna", which has been recorded by a number of groups, but most recognizable by Hillsong or Starfield, and I almost forgot where I was. I was so drawn in to what the words of the song were saying and I could picture myself falling down at the Father's feet and just worshipping. When I realized that Debbie was going back to the chorus, it brought me back, but for a moment, it was just me and my Father. Wow. I love that.

Here are the words for you. It's a pretty powerful song.

I see the King of Glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, The whole earth shakes

I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, The people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith, Selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and sing
We're on our knees, On our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

25 Things about Me

This was a note going around on Facebook, so I decided to give it a try. It actually took me quite a while to complete. It is hard to think up 25 things about yourself. As I got going, I could have put more than 25, but these were the ones that I thought best gave of glimpse of who I am.

So the instructions were: So you've gotta do this thing. 25 random facts about you.

1. I love music education...and if I ever have my own job (rather than filling in for someone else), I have a lot of things I'd like to try. Music is evolving constantly and yet remains the same in so many ways. Wouldn't that be neat to explore in a classroom filled with diversity?

2. I love choir. Yes, choir. I love to sing in a choir, but more so, I love to direct choirs. It doesn't even matter what kind of choir. I've done school choir, a men's choir, a small choir at church, a big choir at church...anything. I love choir music. I love the way composers use harmony and voice timbre to create a piece. It can be almost magical.

3. I love to play games. Board games, card games, word games...I'm especially fond of Life, Dutch Blitz and my new favourite called Bananagrams. I am not fond of UNO or Monopoly.

4. I like the insides of my cupboards to be organized. They are very neat. This means that if I don't have time to put things away, rather than just stuffing them in a cupboard, I leave them on the counter. Messy on the outside, clean on the inside :)

5. I sing - all the time. Sometimes just in my head, sometimes out loud, but there is always a song. Sometimes I tap my foot to the song in my head. It just happens.

6. I'm shy. I know you find this hard to believe, but that's because if you are reading this you know me. If you don't know me, I find it hard to communicate. It isn't that I don't want to, it's just that I can't think of a good way to engage you in conversation. I'm not good at surface level.

7. I am not crafty. Not that Amber hasn't tried, but I just can't do it. I have completed 2 scrapbooks in my lifetime and then I gave all the stuff I had leftover to my friend. That was enough for me.

8. I love Chai Tea. I don't drink coffee but a Chai Tea with a splash of milk and a bit of sugar just hits the spot. I also love London Fogs, but only if they are from Stone's Throw. They make the best London Fogs.

9. I don't drink coffee. I don't like Coffee Crisps or coffee cake or chocolate covered coffee. I don't even really like the smell of coffee - although the flavoured stuff does have a slightly more pleasant aroma. I don't own a coffee pot. When my mom comes to visit, she drinks instant coffee or goes to Tim Horton's. I am a bad daughter :).

10. I have prepped for a new class every semester since I started teaching. At the beginning, it drives me crazy, but I always learn something new. I probably learn more than my students do. In my 3 years of teaching, I have taught the following: food studies 30, home arts 9, math 9, math 10, english 9, drama 10, drama 20/30, Housing/Interior Design, Information processing, choir, vocal jazz, music 9, Art 20, Entreprenership 30

11. I speak French. I used to speak it better than I do now, but I can still do it if I put my mind to it.

12. I've been to Romania twice. I really like it there and don't know when I'll get to go back, but hopefully someday.

13. I'm stealing this from Amber...I've had the same best friend since I was nine. We live farther away from each other now than we ever have and we've never lived in the same place.

14. I like food. Only certain kinds of food, but the kind I like, I like a lot!

15. I like sharing the office at school with Gail. This is the second time we've been able to be music colleagues and we get along so well. Sometimes we don't get a lot of work done, because we are friends too!

16. I'm not very domestic. I don't bake (I can, but I don't love it), I'm not a great cook and I'd rather be busy doing something else then cleaning. I'm sure there is a friend to go out with, marking to do, movies to watch...anything. I do however keep my bathroom clean.

17. I like musicals. I've only ever acted in one, but it was so fun. I like to watch musicals and I like the music (most of the time).

18. I have nice nails. I know, weird, but I do. They are real, not fake. They grow nice all on their own.

19. I like shoes. I have a lot of shoes. I've been downsizing but I still have a lot. Sometimes I go to the shoe section just to try shoes on for fun. I try on the ugly ones too.

20. I love to read. I like to own the books I read because I will read them again and again and again. I worked at Chapters over the Christmas season and really discovered a love for non-fiction, especially biographical works or true stories written with a fiction quality.

21. I love my family. I get along with my parents. My sister and I have a great relationship. We didn't always, but now that we are adults, I'm glad we are friends. I have a great brother-in-law and the sweetest neices and nephew in the world. Alexa is my girl.

22. I have a pig collection. I have stuffed pigs and pig figurines. My favourite pigs are called "This Little Piggy". The line was discontinued, but every once in a while I find a good one on e-bay.

23. I love my church. I have been going to Harvest City Church for just over two years and I love it there. My pastor is a great man of God and the congregation is very warm and friendly. I have made great friends there that I love a lot.

24. I drive a standard. When I bought my car a year ago, I said I would only buy a standard - and I did. It makes me feel like I'm in control.

25. I own my own home. I love it. I like decorating to a way that makes me feel at home. I think my house is very warm and cozy. It's little but it's the perfect size for me. I've discovered that I really like having flowers and mowing the lawn. I don't like shovelling, but if that's my only complaint, then I think I have it pretty good.

Phew...that was hard. Done and done!

Discovering Godly Wisdom

I have been in the midst of some pretty major decisions and I've been struggling so much with what to do. I made an appointment to speak with my pastor and I'm so glad that I did. I'm thankful that Pastor Dave has an open door and that he doesn't mind questions from a confused mind. I came away from our discussion with hope and peace. I don't want to forget what he said, so I'm writing them down in hopes that when I need a reminder, I'll be able to sit down and read through it. So, here it is in a nutshell...

1) We cannot force God to speak. God will speak to us when he sees we are ready and in that moment, we will know. It doesn't matter how much I ask him to speak to me about the situation, he will when I am at a point where I can receive it.

2) God is the apprehender, we are the apprehended. If we are willing to allow God to take control, he will. All he asks for is a willing heart.

3) Don't try to pry open the door. There is no grace on the other side. When God opens a door, then we can walk through knowing that his power goes before. However, when we force the door open, we are walking through it alone.

4) If you feel like you are thrashing, then God hasn't spoken. I said to Pastor Dave that I feel as though I am tangled in my bedsheets. He said that's a pretty good sign.

5) Pros and cons won't aid in the decision making. Sometimes when God calls us somewhere, there are more cons than pros. If we choose to make a decision based on that, we will miss the call. God's call isn't always easy, but it is always right.

6) There will be an identifiable moment when God's voice is heard. You will know with certainty that God has said yes or God has said no. No questions asked. The heart will tell the mind.

7) God will give us wisdom if we ask for it...HOWEVER, we have to believe that he will give us the wisdom, otherwise we are praying without receiving. Pastor Dave used James 1:5-7 as his reference. It says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord". Wow. That's intense. That is where praying with faith and expectations comes into play.

8) If you feel on shaky ground, then don't move. Any type of change requires solid footing, so if you already feel off balance, the best place to stay is where you are.

9) This is pulled directly from Pastor Dave's sermon on Sunday...I guess I do listen in church :). Rejoice in the victory, even before the victory is won. Pray believing that God will answer and then rejoice in that answer, even though you don't know it yet. His example from Sunday was Joshua and the battle of Jericho. Joshua marched around the wall and then with a victory shout and the blowing of celebration horns, the battle was won. It was in the rejoicing and not in the fighting where the battle was finished.

That's a lot for a one hour conversation! There are probably more words I could write, but that's a pretty good start. I'm am so grateful for leadership that is so grounded and wise. I know that God has placed me here for a reason. When I look back on these times, I will know that he was walking with me, giving me people to lean on, talk to, and grow with. I'm so thankful.