I need to get away...from myself

I think too much.  I think about what I said, what I didn't say, what I'm glad I said but wish I had said differently, what I did, what I didn't do, what I wish I had done differently.  Seriously - I need a vacation from myself.  I need a break from my brain which refuses to shut off.  I need a break from the constant dialogue in my head.  I don't know how to make it go away.  I keep my thoughts very close to myself - partially because I'm not very good at articulating them, partially because I find it hard to share what is going on in my mind because after I do, I'll think about it for days.

I'm on vacation from work and although it has in many ways been wonderful, I'm going back to work as tired as I was when I left.  Totally defeated the purpose of this vacation.

I wish I knew what to do to make this constant thought process stop.  It's going to drive me insane.

I Love Airports

I love airports - no really, I do.  I love going to pick people up and I love being the one greeted both going and coming, but that's not what makes me love them most.

I love the energy and emotion that an airport has.  It is almost tangible.  Excitement, nerves, pain, love, joy, frustration, happiness - all mixed into one place.  I love watching people at the airport - especially a large airport like Chicago or Newark (clarification - I don't like the Newark airport, but I do like people watching there). 

Airports can be so frustrating.  They are an exercise in self-control and integrity.  They can also be a place of great adventure - just think, you are getting on a plane and going thousands of kilometres and you barely have to do anything (except maybe sprint to catch a connection because you've been delayed, but that little bit of exercise never hurt anyone).  I've had my share of delays, lost luggage, cancelled planes and cranky flight attendants, but the joy that simply being at the airport brings me is worth all that - especially when you know that at the end of the flight there is a grand adventure, a wonderful friend, and a new place to explore.  I love that whether you are the passenger or the host that you contribute to the energy of the airport. 

I remember my first flight as I made my way to Quebec, barely a graduate from high school and embarking on my first adventure.  I remember coming home and crying the minute I saw my mom.  I remember the relief I felt when I arrived in Vienna and saw my checked baggage on the carousel.  I remember saying goodbye to the Aunties of Choir 35 in Washington, DC.  Our tears made the energy of that airport somber for a brief moment amidst all the bustle.  I remember Alesha picking me up the first time I went to Michigan to visit and our excitement made the airport come alive.  I remember the frustration of sitting on a plane in Chicago bound for Africa and the sorrow that came from that cancelled flight. I'm grateful for the joy of meeting a friend at home whom I hadn't seen in so long and loving the sight of her coming down the steps.  I'm glad I have the memories of meeting my grandma at the airport and her excitement to be in the freezing cold for Christmas because it meant being with us.

I can't wait for next airport adventure. It might be a long journey or a short one, but I know I'll enjoy it simply because it will be at the airport :)

An Emotional Blizzard

I wish to have a switch that I could use to turn off my emotions whenever I have need of a moments break from all the things twisting around in my head and my heart.  Emotions are a tricky part of life and lately mine have been swirling around like a cold Saskatchewan blizzard with a ferocious wind.  And just as I would like a break from the Saskatchewan cold, I would like a break from them.  The problem is that you can't jump on a plane to a tropical vacation spot to get away from them.  You have to plow through them and hope that your snow tires have enough traction to move you through the drift.

I don't know how to reign in these matters of the heart.  At what point do you finally say to yourself, enough is enough?  Is it possible to be stronger than the pull your emotions put you through to finally get to the other side? What if the problem is more so that you don't want to fight the emotion but you just want to give in to it?  Then what?  Then you've got a big problem...that's what.

Remembering

Hugs.  Butterfly kisses.  Story time.  Walks and talks. Hats. Giggles. Concerts. Bus rides. Hosties. Home. Playtime. Tears. Hard love. Starbucks. Target. New places. Dance parties. Skip Bo. Dutch Blitz. Church stays. Ferry rides. Alaska. Rest stops. eMPie. Singing.  Hotels. Devotions. Adventures. Love notes. Colouring. Movie nights. Forts. Camp. Mirembe.

It's been 3 years since my tour life came to a close.  Strange how far away yet close it feels.  I don't dwell on tour like I did when I first came home, but everyday, I look at the picture of my kids and feel a little twinge of homesickness. 

I found this the other day and realized it is the perfect description of what I feel.  My tour home is a place I cannot return, yet find myself sometimes longing for.  My kids are becoming young adults and we'll never be together again the way we were for the 15 months we spent on the bus in constant community.

I miss those months.  Not with the desire to return to another tour, but to have my ACC family back on a bus together just one more time to make just one more memory.  I wish to sit with Reagan and Benson and read a book.  I want to play one more game of Skip Bo with Esther.  I want to listen to Deborah's jokes and hear her laugh.  I want to hear Ritah and Peace singing to their CD players.  I want to talk with Faith about life and love and all things difficult.  I want to see what treasures Alex and Rogers have stuffed in their pockets and what the plan is for them.  I want to listen to Ivy and Stella's stories. I want one more drawing from Jonah.  One more time to cook with James.  One more time to dance with Ruth. One more time to walk with Grace. One more play time with Derrick. One more moment to tell Brenda I love her. One more host family with Charity who made laughs abundant.  One more talk with Brian who is so insightful. One more hug from Priscillah who always needed just one more hug. One more love note from Naomi. I want to answer all of Eunice's crazy questions. I want to hear John sing so beautifully during the concert.

There will always be a little bit of longing for the moments on the bus.  I've been off tour longer than I was on it, but the imprint left on my heart will always outlast the time, the distance and the changes.

Seasons Change

This Christmas will be 3 Christmases since my kids returned to Africa.  I can't believe it has been that long.  I just finished writing Christmas cards for them.  Seven of my babies are moving into secondary school.  Such a season of change.  They aren't babies anymore.  They are young men and women.  It is so hard to picture them as that.  When Alesha and I visited a year and a half ago, they had grown and changed so much that my mind can't even fathom how different they are now. 

I wish I could sit down with each of them and have a long chat about school, faith, life and growing up.  Kids in Africa and kids here aren't that different.  They share struggles and dreams, they have hopes for the future and problems with friends.  I'd like to shelter my kids from having to deal with the heartache, but I can't. 

So, as always, I will lift up my prayers and treasure them in my heart for my kids.  It is in these moments that I miss them the most.  It is in these moments that I miss the laughs, the conversation and most of all, their hugs. 

Faith and Stella with Uncle Tony.
Stella used to be "as tall as Uncle's leg". 

What I Wish I Could Tell Them...

Graduation is an interesting time of year.  For four (or more) years, students wait for this one day.  They plan, dream, and hope for the moment they walk across the stage to graduate from high school.  I find myself wondering if when all is said and done, they don't find it just a bit anticlimactic. 

As I sat through our graduation ceremonies today, I couldn't help but think of all the things I wish I could have told those grade 12s.  I also found myself wondering what they were thinking.  Were they regretting choices made as the scholarships were being handed out?  Were they wishing they had tried out for one more team or made the effort to join one more club?  Were they just wishing that it would all end and they could go off to some party somewhere and just leave it all behind?

I want to tell them that graduation is just one day.  It's what you do leading up to graduation that matters most.  In the grand scheme of things, high school is just four years of a long life.  What you don't realize is that the skills you acquire and the marks you earn will follow you through that long life.

I want to tell them to find their passion and to not let fear stop them from developing and pursuing it.  I want to tell them that there will always be another party and that it doesn't have to be the focus of every weekend and what you plan for through the week and if you miss one, life will go on.  I want them to know that their potential is greater than what they see because often we are so blind to our own abilities.  I want them to know that their teachers have high expectations of them because we know that with a little bit of effort, they could reach beyond their perceived limitations.  I want to tell them that we feel disappointed sometimes because we do our best to give them the tools they need, but at the end of the day it is their choice whether or not they want to use them.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying to give them the hammer to put in the nails and they are insisting on using a saw.  I want them to know that sometimes we get angry because they aren't giving themselves the respect they deserve and in turn they are being disrespectful to those around them.  I want them to understand that sometimes you won't like what you have to do, but that part of growing is knowing that even the stuff you don't like only lasts for a moment.  Do it, get it done, and move on.  It's so simple, yet so complex.  Why do you prolong the thing you want to do the least?  It won't change the outcome, at some point, you still have to do it.  I want them to know that self-control is one of the best traits you can develop.  It leads to love, compassion, understanding and when needed the ability to defend without getting angry.  I want them to look outside of themselves for a moment and see that the world around them needs a little love and compassion.  Do something for someone besides you.  Understand that it will affect you more than it will affect them.

And, when all is said and done, I want them to know that they are loved and it is because they are loved that we push, prod, correct, discipline, encourage, laugh and cry with them.

I don't want to like tomatoes

I don't like fresh tomatoes.  I never have.  I like tomato sauce, tomato soup, crushed tomatoes, ketchup and pretty much every other form of mashed up tomato, but I despise fresh tomatoes. 

Recently, I went to a luncheon and on my plate, I was surprised to see what I thought was a slice of yellow bell pepper.  I love bell peppers.  Imagine my disappointment when I flipped it over to see that it was a yellow tomato.  I offered it to my friend who was at the luncheon with me and he showed genuine surprise at my dislike of tomatoes.  Especially a yellow one.  Then he told me I have to want to like them.  I don't want to like them.

Oddly enough, I've been thinking about this conversation and the idea of wanting things.

I want to be healthy...but I want it while eating poutine and cheeseburgers.
I want to be a runner...but I want to sit on my couch and watch movies or read a book.
I want to know God's will for my life...but I don't want to have to seek for it.
I want grow in my Christian walk...but I'd rather sleep for those extra minutes.

All my wants have something attached to them.  I have decided I can't really want them that much if they are always followed by excuses.

How do I get past that?  It has to be a conscious choice - just like wanting to like tomatoes - to be different, to do different. 

So, instead of a cheeseburger, I'm learning to like salad.  Instead of a movie, I've signed up for a 10k in June.  Instead of sleeping in (this is the hardest), I'm setting my alarm a little bit earlier to have some quiet time and seek God's direction in the morning before I start my day.  They don't seem like big steps, but I'm learning that my choices affect the way I feel about life everyday.  I have to want to do them.

I don't want to like tomatoes.