I wrote the following a while ago...the first one was in December 2006, but it is undated. The other 2 are a whole year apart and yet, here I sit almost another year passed, feeling almost the exact same way. Have I missed something or am I in a season of solitude still for a reason?
What is it about true love that seems to be so elusive? Why is it that we can long for it so deeply, yet still seem to be so far away from the real evidence of deep, lasting, committed love? I often wonder why God would put the desire so strong in my heart and yet keep it unfulfilled for so long. The deepest yearnings come at the strangest times…watching a movie, in the mall, grocery shopping…and yet they seem to be the times when I long for companionship the most. Someone to share the mundane and trivial, someone to ask how my day went and to hear my “funny” stories and laugh, even if they aren’t that funny. I long to be cherished for who I am, to be loved for what I have to offer. I long to be the perfect fit to someone else even in my imperfection. Sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel so sad purely because I have no one to share my life with. Friends are wonderful and no one can deny the joy they bring to your life, but they also cannot share every moment or be the passion in your soul, the joy in your eyes, the love in your heart. They cannot be the intimate person who shares your hopes and dreams, your sorrows and your fears. The problem comes when you start to wonder if the reason for your singleness is simply because you are unlovable. Or perhaps your best match has chosen a different way, leaving you simply incomplete due to another’s choices. And is it true that there is only “the one” for you, or could you simply live a life of contentment with anyone? I appreciate (and can laugh at) the friends and family who want to find me someone or think of people to “fix” me up with, but sometimes all that happens is that I get notions in my mind of things that will never be, simply because they are improbable and yet, I become almost obsessed with the thoughts, because perhaps, you just never know when the improbable will become a reality. I find it frustrating to see people in relationships that have no meaning but that they just have simply to fill a void and yet I can see why they do it, when I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be at least a way to make it though the waiting period. But what person wants leftovers?
January 6, 2007
My heart is feeling very lonely again today. I shouldn’t let myself watch romantic movies or dream about getting married. It carries too great a price for my heart. I have cried out to God many times about this loneliness and I know that now is not my time, but at this moment it doesn’t make the waiting any easier. I am trying to trust that his timing is so much greater than mine and that his desire for my life will be carried out at the most appropriate time, but I just can’t seem to convince my heart what my head already believes. It is difficult for me to let go of this desire until the appropriate time. I tend to hyper focus and this desire in my heart is so great and it seems to be the only thing I dream about. Life is good, I know it is….I love my job, I love my students, I even like this little apartment, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have no one to share it with, no one who really cares about how the day went, who cheers on my successes and who understands my disappointments. My parents are great, but there comes a point in every young adult’s life when the understanding and interest needs to be on a deeper level. Perhaps it is my fault that I don’t have a friend to be that for now, but do they really care anyways?
January 17, 2008
I've felt lately like I'm in a holding pattern and I'm just waiting for the runway to be cleared so I can land, but there has been an accident or strange weather and so there is no estimated time of arrival. My wings are tired and I’m running out of gas…what will happen if I can’t make it and I don’t have my parachute?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The Least Common Denominator
In math, I teach my students about the least common denominator. It's a way to compare fractions or simplify fractions, so that they are in a common form. Having them in the lowest common denominator makes the fractions the easiest to work with.
I don't know why math would make me think about myself, but for some reason, I learned a valuable lesson.
I always compare myself to the lowest common denominator. I want to lose some weight, but then I see someone else and think, "well, at least I'm thinner than they are". Or maybe it is qualities that I see in myself that I would like to change...but I compare them to someone who needs to work on those qualities even more than I do, and think that I'm just fine. Comparing to the LCD is easy, because then it requires less work on my part, just like in math.
What really needs to happen in my life is that I change myself to be like the greatest common factor- Christ. Becoming like the GCF is more work. If I want to be better in my life, I need to always be looking to Christ and to no one else. It means actually trying to change. He is the only way that I can be better than I am.
I don't know why math would make me think about myself, but for some reason, I learned a valuable lesson.
I always compare myself to the lowest common denominator. I want to lose some weight, but then I see someone else and think, "well, at least I'm thinner than they are". Or maybe it is qualities that I see in myself that I would like to change...but I compare them to someone who needs to work on those qualities even more than I do, and think that I'm just fine. Comparing to the LCD is easy, because then it requires less work on my part, just like in math.
What really needs to happen in my life is that I change myself to be like the greatest common factor- Christ. Becoming like the GCF is more work. If I want to be better in my life, I need to always be looking to Christ and to no one else. It means actually trying to change. He is the only way that I can be better than I am.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Inability to Change - the great myth
I want to change. I want to be better. I want to make a difference.
However...I don't think I can. It's a great myth that I have carried around for years and years. I wear it like a cloak of security when I try to change and I don't. It's the best excuse around. I tried to change, but I couldn't. It must be naturally ingrained in my being.
I could change. I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to. David wrote, "create in me a new heart, oh God". Change doesn't come from me...it comes from the Lord, but I have to willingly allow him to work on my heart.
I'm not just saying I want to change inwardly. There are lots of things I want to do differently. I want to be a better recycler. I want to be a better eater. I want to have the discipline to exercise regularly (and believe me, it isn't because I don't have the time...I just choose not to). I want to do my dishes more regularly and weed my garden. I want to use my time better and not feel like I leave everything to the last minute. I want to pursue knowledge and be a better musician. All this takes work and change.
I have come to the realization of something. God gives us choices. He lays before us a path that he would like us to follow, but he won't force it on us. He lets us choose. If I come to that path and say, "No thanks, God", he doesn't force it on me. He may constantly remind me of that path and eventually the gentle prodding will make me realize that I should have taken it, but he won't just arbitrarily pick me up and place me on it. Even in the little things - such as recycling. I have a choice, but it's my choice whether or not I do it.
I want to be willing to change and grow. I want to know that when I look back on this year that I'll be proud of myself for growing or overcoming or opening myself up to a new lesson. I can't do that if I refuse to change.
However...I don't think I can. It's a great myth that I have carried around for years and years. I wear it like a cloak of security when I try to change and I don't. It's the best excuse around. I tried to change, but I couldn't. It must be naturally ingrained in my being.
I could change. I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to. David wrote, "create in me a new heart, oh God". Change doesn't come from me...it comes from the Lord, but I have to willingly allow him to work on my heart.
I'm not just saying I want to change inwardly. There are lots of things I want to do differently. I want to be a better recycler. I want to be a better eater. I want to have the discipline to exercise regularly (and believe me, it isn't because I don't have the time...I just choose not to). I want to do my dishes more regularly and weed my garden. I want to use my time better and not feel like I leave everything to the last minute. I want to pursue knowledge and be a better musician. All this takes work and change.
I have come to the realization of something. God gives us choices. He lays before us a path that he would like us to follow, but he won't force it on us. He lets us choose. If I come to that path and say, "No thanks, God", he doesn't force it on me. He may constantly remind me of that path and eventually the gentle prodding will make me realize that I should have taken it, but he won't just arbitrarily pick me up and place me on it. Even in the little things - such as recycling. I have a choice, but it's my choice whether or not I do it.
I want to be willing to change and grow. I want to know that when I look back on this year that I'll be proud of myself for growing or overcoming or opening myself up to a new lesson. I can't do that if I refuse to change.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Burning with Passion
Once again, Pastor Dave's sermon set me on a thinking spree. His message yesterday was on the baptism of the Holy Spirit. It was water baptism Sunday, which is pretty special. But as Pastor Dave pointed out, it is something that happens in the natural. Baptism in the Spirit happens in the supernatural.
He talked a lot about the fire of God. First he talked about that first day of Pentecost when the fire fell. He said to imagine not little spots of fire, but the people being completely consumed by the fire of God. Then he went on to talk about Shadrack, Meshack and Abendigo. Why weren't they consumed when Nebuchadnezzar threw them into the fire? Why were they able to walk around the furnace and not be burnt? Because they were already on fire - they were on fire for the Lord. You can't burn something that is already burning. Talk about a revelation.
Too often we stand on the outside and watch everyone else be consumed by the fire of God. But we only watch from a distance instead of walking right in. I know I hold myself back. I'm afraid that if I let myself be totally consumed by God that he will ask crazy things of me...and you know what? He just might. But if I am being totally consumed by his presence, then that won't really be an issue. If he totally consumes me, then I will totally trust in his sovereignty and the things he asks me to do won't seem so scary.
Overwhelm me with your presence
Consume me with your fire
Make me fall down on my knees in holy fear
Lord, draw me close
Lord, hold me near
I want more
Than just a glimpse of your glory
He talked a lot about the fire of God. First he talked about that first day of Pentecost when the fire fell. He said to imagine not little spots of fire, but the people being completely consumed by the fire of God. Then he went on to talk about Shadrack, Meshack and Abendigo. Why weren't they consumed when Nebuchadnezzar threw them into the fire? Why were they able to walk around the furnace and not be burnt? Because they were already on fire - they were on fire for the Lord. You can't burn something that is already burning. Talk about a revelation.
Too often we stand on the outside and watch everyone else be consumed by the fire of God. But we only watch from a distance instead of walking right in. I know I hold myself back. I'm afraid that if I let myself be totally consumed by God that he will ask crazy things of me...and you know what? He just might. But if I am being totally consumed by his presence, then that won't really be an issue. If he totally consumes me, then I will totally trust in his sovereignty and the things he asks me to do won't seem so scary.
Overwhelm me with your presence
Consume me with your fire
Make me fall down on my knees in holy fear
Lord, draw me close
Lord, hold me near
I want more
Than just a glimpse of your glory
Thursday, September 11, 2008
More on Grace
I went back and reread my entry on grace and I realized how much that song has really affected my life. The line that hits me every time is "as long as you're seeking my face, you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace". What a wonderful promise to hold onto. Daily sufficient grace. We don't need to store up God's grace for a rainy day or for when we are feeling less than forgiven. Every day God's grace is sufficient and everyday it is renewed.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV), Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It is so hard to be thankful in weakness, in hardship, in times that really just seem to suck. But, if I keep that scripture to the forefront of my mind, I realize that it is in those moments of weakness that I truly learn to rely on God's grace and power. If I am always strong, why would I need God's grace? If I trust in his grace, then I can rest in his power.
Last night my friend Lynette and I were talking about trust and she gave me a wonderful compliment. I went home and thought about it for a while and realized that trusting in God has been something that I have innately come to do. There are times when I struggle, but God's faithfulness to me earns my trust in him (if I can put it that way). He never lets me down and therefore, I easily trust. Somehow I have managed to separate trusting in God from trusting in humanity. People will always let us down, but we cannot transfer that lack of trust to a loving God.
Now, it would seem that I have strayed from the idea of grace, but stay with me for a moment. If I don't trust God, how can I believe in his grace? They must go hand in hand. I must trust that God's grace will be sufficient for each day. I must trust that his grace will never run out. I must trust that his grace is all encompassing. Do you see what I mean? Grace and trust as intertwined.
I am so glad that his grace is there for me daily...when I forget that I'm not strong and mess up, when I make a decision without seeking his direction, when I go day-to-day without really stopping to thank him for all that he has given to me. He never removes his grace, he just gently reminds me that he's covering me with it and that I can rest in it.
Daily sufficient grace - a little bit of Heaven on earth.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV), Paul writes "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." It is so hard to be thankful in weakness, in hardship, in times that really just seem to suck. But, if I keep that scripture to the forefront of my mind, I realize that it is in those moments of weakness that I truly learn to rely on God's grace and power. If I am always strong, why would I need God's grace? If I trust in his grace, then I can rest in his power.
Last night my friend Lynette and I were talking about trust and she gave me a wonderful compliment. I went home and thought about it for a while and realized that trusting in God has been something that I have innately come to do. There are times when I struggle, but God's faithfulness to me earns my trust in him (if I can put it that way). He never lets me down and therefore, I easily trust. Somehow I have managed to separate trusting in God from trusting in humanity. People will always let us down, but we cannot transfer that lack of trust to a loving God.
Now, it would seem that I have strayed from the idea of grace, but stay with me for a moment. If I don't trust God, how can I believe in his grace? They must go hand in hand. I must trust that God's grace will be sufficient for each day. I must trust that his grace will never run out. I must trust that his grace is all encompassing. Do you see what I mean? Grace and trust as intertwined.
I am so glad that his grace is there for me daily...when I forget that I'm not strong and mess up, when I make a decision without seeking his direction, when I go day-to-day without really stopping to thank him for all that he has given to me. He never removes his grace, he just gently reminds me that he's covering me with it and that I can rest in it.
Daily sufficient grace - a little bit of Heaven on earth.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The Responsibility of Privilege
I have been reminded lately of what a privileged life I live. It seems to be coming at me faster than I can keep up. I have been feeling restless and unsure of what I'm doing. I feel as though change is imminent, but I just don't know in what capacity.
I've been reading some different books and just in general have had some different experiences lately that keep bringing to the fore of my mind all that I have. I don't know why, but I've been interested in reading books about Afghanistan and Pakistan. Most of them are books about the Muslim women and the oppression they face daily. I also was very challenged by the World Vision "One Life Experience" tent that was set up in Regina. A book was recommended to me, so I went a bought it. It is called "Stolen Angels" by Kathy Cook and it is about 30 girls from Uganda who were kidnapped for the LRA rebel army. If you want to learn about the privileged life you lead, all you have to do is take a look at the injustices that goes on in the world around us.
David and I went out for a coffee and he asked me a couple very pointed questions - What are you passionate about? I said teaching....Do you want to go overseas? I said yes...Do you want to teach overseas? Yes. No hesitation when he asked...but then I get home and start thinking and looking. Can I walk away from all the privilege I have? Will I be like the rich young ruler and say no to the Lord because I am unwilling to walk away from the treasure I have stored up on earth?
I took stock of all I own and wondered at my prize possessions. I have decided that the hardest things to leave behind would be my piano and my books. I can take my pictures anywhere...a piano doesn't fit on a plane. I wouldn't be sad to sell my house...it's just a house, I can buy another and paint it the same colours and put out all the "things" I own and it will be a home...
The Bible says that to whom much is given, much is expected. I have been given a lot, but I don't tend to give back. I seem to hoard it for myself. Maybe he isn't asking me to walk away from the life I live here but to be more conscious of what I do with the gifts he gives. Am I doing all I can to give of what I have or do I only want it to be about me? It's not about me. It's about him.
I've been reading some different books and just in general have had some different experiences lately that keep bringing to the fore of my mind all that I have. I don't know why, but I've been interested in reading books about Afghanistan and Pakistan. Most of them are books about the Muslim women and the oppression they face daily. I also was very challenged by the World Vision "One Life Experience" tent that was set up in Regina. A book was recommended to me, so I went a bought it. It is called "Stolen Angels" by Kathy Cook and it is about 30 girls from Uganda who were kidnapped for the LRA rebel army. If you want to learn about the privileged life you lead, all you have to do is take a look at the injustices that goes on in the world around us.
David and I went out for a coffee and he asked me a couple very pointed questions - What are you passionate about? I said teaching....Do you want to go overseas? I said yes...Do you want to teach overseas? Yes. No hesitation when he asked...but then I get home and start thinking and looking. Can I walk away from all the privilege I have? Will I be like the rich young ruler and say no to the Lord because I am unwilling to walk away from the treasure I have stored up on earth?
I took stock of all I own and wondered at my prize possessions. I have decided that the hardest things to leave behind would be my piano and my books. I can take my pictures anywhere...a piano doesn't fit on a plane. I wouldn't be sad to sell my house...it's just a house, I can buy another and paint it the same colours and put out all the "things" I own and it will be a home...
The Bible says that to whom much is given, much is expected. I have been given a lot, but I don't tend to give back. I seem to hoard it for myself. Maybe he isn't asking me to walk away from the life I live here but to be more conscious of what I do with the gifts he gives. Am I doing all I can to give of what I have or do I only want it to be about me? It's not about me. It's about him.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Grace
I've been thinking a lot about grace. I'm learning about forgiveness. Yesterday, Pastor Dave's message was on forgiveness and resentment and boy did it hit home. Grace is God's way of taking the crap in our lives and saying, "I still love you regardless and I'll forgive you when you ask me to". It's not an easy concept for me to grasp. I find that I fail daily and let the enemy walk all over me with lies.
I recently bought a CD by Laura Story. If you haven't heard her music, you should. She is an anointed, gifted songwriter. The song "Grace" on her CD feels like the song of my life right now. I'm learning to believe it. I'd like to share it with you. Then you should go buy the CD so you can actually hear it for yourself.
Grace - Laura Story
My heart is so proud, my mind is so unfocused
I see the things you do through me as great things I have done
And now you gently break me, then lovingly you take me
And hold me as my father and mold me as my maker
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged
Knowing that someone somewhere could do a better job
For who am I to serve you? I know I don't deserve you
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
You are so patient with me, Lord
As I walk with you I'm learning what your grace really means
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
So instead of trying to repay you, I'm learning to simply obey you
By giving up my life to you for all that you've given to me
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
I recently bought a CD by Laura Story. If you haven't heard her music, you should. She is an anointed, gifted songwriter. The song "Grace" on her CD feels like the song of my life right now. I'm learning to believe it. I'd like to share it with you. Then you should go buy the CD so you can actually hear it for yourself.
Grace - Laura Story
My heart is so proud, my mind is so unfocused
I see the things you do through me as great things I have done
And now you gently break me, then lovingly you take me
And hold me as my father and mold me as my maker
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged
Knowing that someone somewhere could do a better job
For who am I to serve you? I know I don't deserve you
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
You are so patient with me, Lord
As I walk with you I'm learning what your grace really means
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
So instead of trying to repay you, I'm learning to simply obey you
By giving up my life to you for all that you've given to me
I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
And each time I will fall short of your glory, how far will forgiveness abound?
And you answer, "My child, I love you and as long as you're seeking my face
You'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace"
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