It's so nice to know that I have a friend who will sit in a mud puddle with me.
I have a friend that I can be really open with. She, in turn, can be really open with me. Sometimes, she lets me help her carry her burdens and afterwards asks me why I'm her friend. I tell her it's because we all have messes...she says hers are bigger. I tell her it doesn't matter that my mess is a pond and her mess is a lake. It's still a mess.
I'm just glad that when I sit in my mud puddle, she joins me. It's so much easier when someone will sort through the mud with you. Somewhere in the mud, there is a gem.
And...for your amusement...a little poem about mud puddles (written by Dennis Lee)
I am sitting in the middle of a rather muddy puddle
With my bottom full of bubbles and my rubbers full of mud
While my jacket and my sweater go on slowly getting wetter
As I very slowly settle to the bottom of the mud
And I find that what a person with a puddle 'round his middle
Thinks of mostly in the muddle is the muddiness...OF MUD!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Hi, my name is Stacy and I have a problem
"Just one?", you say...wow, that's a bit delusional...well, no. I actually have more than one, probably 2 for sure, but one that I think is the root of all others problems. I have given this considerable thought and I really believe overcoming this will be key to overcoming many others.
So here it is - I struggle with insignificance. And now you're thinking, "doesn't everyone?". Well, I'm sure they do to a degree, but lately this feeling of insignificance has been invading every corner of my world. I feel it in my relationships, in my job, in my family. I find myself constantly questioning where I belong and what I'm to do. I'm turning over every rock trying to discover where I will hold significance. At this moment, I feel as though I could just pick up and move and although there may be a void for a while, someone else would easily step in and fill that place - with more significance than I ever did.
To be significant means to carry meaning. It is the extent to which something matters. I'm not feeling like my life carries any meaning. I merely feel that I am existing.
In my job, I constantly feel like I am working so someone else will have it easier when they return. I'm not working to do things the best they can be for me, but the best they can be for someone else. I feel as though I'm not really doing anything that produces significance for the now or for later. I'm holding a place so that when that person returns, they will return to their place of significance.
I find myself questioning my place within my family. I'm just one person, moving along while the rest of the family is changing, molding, renewing, engaging. Where do I fit?
I feel insignificant in my relationships. I'm struggling with making connections because I see that the gifts I offer to those people are already being given by someone else. They don't need me. And although I might need them, I struggle to find a way to make that known.
I like a boy...no, let me rephrase that...I like a man. Saying boy makes it feel less intimidating. I would like to get to know him more, to find out if this friendship could turn into something else, but I won't step out and say it simply because I feel as though I won't bring anything significant to his life, even though he might bring significance to mine.
How does a person find out where their value lies? My head knows things that my heart cannot grasp. My head cannot convince my heart.
So here it is - I struggle with insignificance. And now you're thinking, "doesn't everyone?". Well, I'm sure they do to a degree, but lately this feeling of insignificance has been invading every corner of my world. I feel it in my relationships, in my job, in my family. I find myself constantly questioning where I belong and what I'm to do. I'm turning over every rock trying to discover where I will hold significance. At this moment, I feel as though I could just pick up and move and although there may be a void for a while, someone else would easily step in and fill that place - with more significance than I ever did.
To be significant means to carry meaning. It is the extent to which something matters. I'm not feeling like my life carries any meaning. I merely feel that I am existing.
In my job, I constantly feel like I am working so someone else will have it easier when they return. I'm not working to do things the best they can be for me, but the best they can be for someone else. I feel as though I'm not really doing anything that produces significance for the now or for later. I'm holding a place so that when that person returns, they will return to their place of significance.
I find myself questioning my place within my family. I'm just one person, moving along while the rest of the family is changing, molding, renewing, engaging. Where do I fit?
I feel insignificant in my relationships. I'm struggling with making connections because I see that the gifts I offer to those people are already being given by someone else. They don't need me. And although I might need them, I struggle to find a way to make that known.
I like a boy...no, let me rephrase that...I like a man. Saying boy makes it feel less intimidating. I would like to get to know him more, to find out if this friendship could turn into something else, but I won't step out and say it simply because I feel as though I won't bring anything significant to his life, even though he might bring significance to mine.
How does a person find out where their value lies? My head knows things that my heart cannot grasp. My head cannot convince my heart.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
A Letter to My Saviour
To the one who knows my heart,
I haven't been focused on you enough as of late. I found another love for a moment who over took your place as the highest. I still love that other love, but not as much as I love you. I know now that the only way that other love can truly happen is if I love you first.
I recognize that I may need to push that other love off the throne sometimes and I hope that I will recognize when it starts to climb the stairs to your holy place.
You are always so gracious to me in the midst of my mistakes. Thank you for always allowing me to come back, even when I've messed up so many times. Thank you for reminding me that you still love me and still find value in me.
Your humble servant,
Me
I haven't been focused on you enough as of late. I found another love for a moment who over took your place as the highest. I still love that other love, but not as much as I love you. I know now that the only way that other love can truly happen is if I love you first.
I recognize that I may need to push that other love off the throne sometimes and I hope that I will recognize when it starts to climb the stairs to your holy place.
You are always so gracious to me in the midst of my mistakes. Thank you for always allowing me to come back, even when I've messed up so many times. Thank you for reminding me that you still love me and still find value in me.
Your humble servant,
Me
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Resting in God's Sovereignty
I've been reminded lately about the sovereignty of God. It's so much bigger than I can really fathom and so much wider than I can grasp and yet, I find it so comforting to know. God is sovereign. His sovereignty extends beyond my limited understanding to cover all things.
God is sovereign in my joy. He is sovereign in my weakness. He is sovereign over death. He is sovereign over my singleness. He is sovereign over my loneliness. He is sovereign when I feel insignificant and he is sovereign when I feel overwhelmed. He is sovereign when I think I have control of my life and he is sovereign when it feels like it is spinning out of control.
He is sovereign over Heaven and he is sovereign over earth. He is the ruler over all things.
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
God is sovereign in my joy. He is sovereign in my weakness. He is sovereign over death. He is sovereign over my singleness. He is sovereign over my loneliness. He is sovereign when I feel insignificant and he is sovereign when I feel overwhelmed. He is sovereign when I think I have control of my life and he is sovereign when it feels like it is spinning out of control.
He is sovereign over Heaven and he is sovereign over earth. He is the ruler over all things.
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Art, Entrepreneurship and Me
I am a music teacher. I rarely say to people that I am a teacher. I always qualify the statement...music teacher...
For some reason, the music teacher is teaching Art 20 and Entrepreneurship 30 this semester. Why, you may ask? Because someone seems to think that because I have an education degree that I must be able to teach whatever they throw my way. And I have.
This is my most stressful semester yet. I thought that Art 20 would be the simpler of the two because my friend is the art teacher and has given me a good plan for the semester and the resources that I'll need to get through. But it isn't. The students know that I am not an art teacher and they question my authority. When I say that they aren't doing the technique correctly, they question how I know. It is a matter of knowing the concept, but not being able to do it. It's like parallel parking...I know the idea of it, but I can't do it. Not properly, anyway.
I still know more than the students do in Entrepreneurship. The curriculum, although slightly confusing, is fairly well laid out and with time and patience, I can figure it out.
We are only in week 2. I have 5 more months of this. I hope I make it. I hope the students make it.
Oy Vey!
For some reason, the music teacher is teaching Art 20 and Entrepreneurship 30 this semester. Why, you may ask? Because someone seems to think that because I have an education degree that I must be able to teach whatever they throw my way. And I have.
This is my most stressful semester yet. I thought that Art 20 would be the simpler of the two because my friend is the art teacher and has given me a good plan for the semester and the resources that I'll need to get through. But it isn't. The students know that I am not an art teacher and they question my authority. When I say that they aren't doing the technique correctly, they question how I know. It is a matter of knowing the concept, but not being able to do it. It's like parallel parking...I know the idea of it, but I can't do it. Not properly, anyway.
I still know more than the students do in Entrepreneurship. The curriculum, although slightly confusing, is fairly well laid out and with time and patience, I can figure it out.
We are only in week 2. I have 5 more months of this. I hope I make it. I hope the students make it.
Oy Vey!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Heart of Worship
I love worship. It draws me to that place where I can just come before the Father and say, "here I am, in all my imperfection, bowing before you".
I haven't had a real worship experience in a while. But today at church, I had a moment where I forgot where I was and just let myself be before the throne. I was on worship team and usually I'm a bit careful about getting to wrapped up in my own worship time. The purpose of the team is to draw the congregation to the throne room, so sometimes you need to be sensitive to what is happening in the pews rather than what is happening in your own heart.
We were singing "Hosanna", which has been recorded by a number of groups, but most recognizable by Hillsong or Starfield, and I almost forgot where I was. I was so drawn in to what the words of the song were saying and I could picture myself falling down at the Father's feet and just worshipping. When I realized that Debbie was going back to the chorus, it brought me back, but for a moment, it was just me and my Father. Wow. I love that.
Here are the words for you. It's a pretty powerful song.
I see the King of Glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, The whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, The people sing
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith, Selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and sing
We're on our knees, On our knees
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
I haven't had a real worship experience in a while. But today at church, I had a moment where I forgot where I was and just let myself be before the throne. I was on worship team and usually I'm a bit careful about getting to wrapped up in my own worship time. The purpose of the team is to draw the congregation to the throne room, so sometimes you need to be sensitive to what is happening in the pews rather than what is happening in your own heart.
We were singing "Hosanna", which has been recorded by a number of groups, but most recognizable by Hillsong or Starfield, and I almost forgot where I was. I was so drawn in to what the words of the song were saying and I could picture myself falling down at the Father's feet and just worshipping. When I realized that Debbie was going back to the chorus, it brought me back, but for a moment, it was just me and my Father. Wow. I love that.
Here are the words for you. It's a pretty powerful song.
I see the King of Glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, The whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, The people sing
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith, Selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and sing
We're on our knees, On our knees
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Saturday, January 17, 2009
25 Things about Me
This was a note going around on Facebook, so I decided to give it a try. It actually took me quite a while to complete. It is hard to think up 25 things about yourself. As I got going, I could have put more than 25, but these were the ones that I thought best gave of glimpse of who I am.
So the instructions were: So you've gotta do this thing. 25 random facts about you.
1. I love music education...and if I ever have my own job (rather than filling in for someone else), I have a lot of things I'd like to try. Music is evolving constantly and yet remains the same in so many ways. Wouldn't that be neat to explore in a classroom filled with diversity?
2. I love choir. Yes, choir. I love to sing in a choir, but more so, I love to direct choirs. It doesn't even matter what kind of choir. I've done school choir, a men's choir, a small choir at church, a big choir at church...anything. I love choir music. I love the way composers use harmony and voice timbre to create a piece. It can be almost magical.
3. I love to play games. Board games, card games, word games...I'm especially fond of Life, Dutch Blitz and my new favourite called Bananagrams. I am not fond of UNO or Monopoly.
4. I like the insides of my cupboards to be organized. They are very neat. This means that if I don't have time to put things away, rather than just stuffing them in a cupboard, I leave them on the counter. Messy on the outside, clean on the inside :)
5. I sing - all the time. Sometimes just in my head, sometimes out loud, but there is always a song. Sometimes I tap my foot to the song in my head. It just happens.
6. I'm shy. I know you find this hard to believe, but that's because if you are reading this you know me. If you don't know me, I find it hard to communicate. It isn't that I don't want to, it's just that I can't think of a good way to engage you in conversation. I'm not good at surface level.
7. I am not crafty. Not that Amber hasn't tried, but I just can't do it. I have completed 2 scrapbooks in my lifetime and then I gave all the stuff I had leftover to my friend. That was enough for me.
8. I love Chai Tea. I don't drink coffee but a Chai Tea with a splash of milk and a bit of sugar just hits the spot. I also love London Fogs, but only if they are from Stone's Throw. They make the best London Fogs.
9. I don't drink coffee. I don't like Coffee Crisps or coffee cake or chocolate covered coffee. I don't even really like the smell of coffee - although the flavoured stuff does have a slightly more pleasant aroma. I don't own a coffee pot. When my mom comes to visit, she drinks instant coffee or goes to Tim Horton's. I am a bad daughter :).
10. I have prepped for a new class every semester since I started teaching. At the beginning, it drives me crazy, but I always learn something new. I probably learn more than my students do. In my 3 years of teaching, I have taught the following: food studies 30, home arts 9, math 9, math 10, english 9, drama 10, drama 20/30, Housing/Interior Design, Information processing, choir, vocal jazz, music 9, Art 20, Entreprenership 30
11. I speak French. I used to speak it better than I do now, but I can still do it if I put my mind to it.
12. I've been to Romania twice. I really like it there and don't know when I'll get to go back, but hopefully someday.
13. I'm stealing this from Amber...I've had the same best friend since I was nine. We live farther away from each other now than we ever have and we've never lived in the same place.
14. I like food. Only certain kinds of food, but the kind I like, I like a lot!
15. I like sharing the office at school with Gail. This is the second time we've been able to be music colleagues and we get along so well. Sometimes we don't get a lot of work done, because we are friends too!
16. I'm not very domestic. I don't bake (I can, but I don't love it), I'm not a great cook and I'd rather be busy doing something else then cleaning. I'm sure there is a friend to go out with, marking to do, movies to watch...anything. I do however keep my bathroom clean.
17. I like musicals. I've only ever acted in one, but it was so fun. I like to watch musicals and I like the music (most of the time).
18. I have nice nails. I know, weird, but I do. They are real, not fake. They grow nice all on their own.
19. I like shoes. I have a lot of shoes. I've been downsizing but I still have a lot. Sometimes I go to the shoe section just to try shoes on for fun. I try on the ugly ones too.
20. I love to read. I like to own the books I read because I will read them again and again and again. I worked at Chapters over the Christmas season and really discovered a love for non-fiction, especially biographical works or true stories written with a fiction quality.
21. I love my family. I get along with my parents. My sister and I have a great relationship. We didn't always, but now that we are adults, I'm glad we are friends. I have a great brother-in-law and the sweetest neices and nephew in the world. Alexa is my girl.
22. I have a pig collection. I have stuffed pigs and pig figurines. My favourite pigs are called "This Little Piggy". The line was discontinued, but every once in a while I find a good one on e-bay.
23. I love my church. I have been going to Harvest City Church for just over two years and I love it there. My pastor is a great man of God and the congregation is very warm and friendly. I have made great friends there that I love a lot.
24. I drive a standard. When I bought my car a year ago, I said I would only buy a standard - and I did. It makes me feel like I'm in control.
25. I own my own home. I love it. I like decorating to a way that makes me feel at home. I think my house is very warm and cozy. It's little but it's the perfect size for me. I've discovered that I really like having flowers and mowing the lawn. I don't like shovelling, but if that's my only complaint, then I think I have it pretty good.
Phew...that was hard. Done and done!
So the instructions were: So you've gotta do this thing. 25 random facts about you.
1. I love music education...and if I ever have my own job (rather than filling in for someone else), I have a lot of things I'd like to try. Music is evolving constantly and yet remains the same in so many ways. Wouldn't that be neat to explore in a classroom filled with diversity?
2. I love choir. Yes, choir. I love to sing in a choir, but more so, I love to direct choirs. It doesn't even matter what kind of choir. I've done school choir, a men's choir, a small choir at church, a big choir at church...anything. I love choir music. I love the way composers use harmony and voice timbre to create a piece. It can be almost magical.
3. I love to play games. Board games, card games, word games...I'm especially fond of Life, Dutch Blitz and my new favourite called Bananagrams. I am not fond of UNO or Monopoly.
4. I like the insides of my cupboards to be organized. They are very neat. This means that if I don't have time to put things away, rather than just stuffing them in a cupboard, I leave them on the counter. Messy on the outside, clean on the inside :)
5. I sing - all the time. Sometimes just in my head, sometimes out loud, but there is always a song. Sometimes I tap my foot to the song in my head. It just happens.
6. I'm shy. I know you find this hard to believe, but that's because if you are reading this you know me. If you don't know me, I find it hard to communicate. It isn't that I don't want to, it's just that I can't think of a good way to engage you in conversation. I'm not good at surface level.
7. I am not crafty. Not that Amber hasn't tried, but I just can't do it. I have completed 2 scrapbooks in my lifetime and then I gave all the stuff I had leftover to my friend. That was enough for me.
8. I love Chai Tea. I don't drink coffee but a Chai Tea with a splash of milk and a bit of sugar just hits the spot. I also love London Fogs, but only if they are from Stone's Throw. They make the best London Fogs.
9. I don't drink coffee. I don't like Coffee Crisps or coffee cake or chocolate covered coffee. I don't even really like the smell of coffee - although the flavoured stuff does have a slightly more pleasant aroma. I don't own a coffee pot. When my mom comes to visit, she drinks instant coffee or goes to Tim Horton's. I am a bad daughter :).
10. I have prepped for a new class every semester since I started teaching. At the beginning, it drives me crazy, but I always learn something new. I probably learn more than my students do. In my 3 years of teaching, I have taught the following: food studies 30, home arts 9, math 9, math 10, english 9, drama 10, drama 20/30, Housing/Interior Design, Information processing, choir, vocal jazz, music 9, Art 20, Entreprenership 30
11. I speak French. I used to speak it better than I do now, but I can still do it if I put my mind to it.
12. I've been to Romania twice. I really like it there and don't know when I'll get to go back, but hopefully someday.
13. I'm stealing this from Amber...I've had the same best friend since I was nine. We live farther away from each other now than we ever have and we've never lived in the same place.
14. I like food. Only certain kinds of food, but the kind I like, I like a lot!
15. I like sharing the office at school with Gail. This is the second time we've been able to be music colleagues and we get along so well. Sometimes we don't get a lot of work done, because we are friends too!
16. I'm not very domestic. I don't bake (I can, but I don't love it), I'm not a great cook and I'd rather be busy doing something else then cleaning. I'm sure there is a friend to go out with, marking to do, movies to watch...anything. I do however keep my bathroom clean.
17. I like musicals. I've only ever acted in one, but it was so fun. I like to watch musicals and I like the music (most of the time).
18. I have nice nails. I know, weird, but I do. They are real, not fake. They grow nice all on their own.
19. I like shoes. I have a lot of shoes. I've been downsizing but I still have a lot. Sometimes I go to the shoe section just to try shoes on for fun. I try on the ugly ones too.
20. I love to read. I like to own the books I read because I will read them again and again and again. I worked at Chapters over the Christmas season and really discovered a love for non-fiction, especially biographical works or true stories written with a fiction quality.
21. I love my family. I get along with my parents. My sister and I have a great relationship. We didn't always, but now that we are adults, I'm glad we are friends. I have a great brother-in-law and the sweetest neices and nephew in the world. Alexa is my girl.
22. I have a pig collection. I have stuffed pigs and pig figurines. My favourite pigs are called "This Little Piggy". The line was discontinued, but every once in a while I find a good one on e-bay.
23. I love my church. I have been going to Harvest City Church for just over two years and I love it there. My pastor is a great man of God and the congregation is very warm and friendly. I have made great friends there that I love a lot.
24. I drive a standard. When I bought my car a year ago, I said I would only buy a standard - and I did. It makes me feel like I'm in control.
25. I own my own home. I love it. I like decorating to a way that makes me feel at home. I think my house is very warm and cozy. It's little but it's the perfect size for me. I've discovered that I really like having flowers and mowing the lawn. I don't like shovelling, but if that's my only complaint, then I think I have it pretty good.
Phew...that was hard. Done and done!
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