I don't want to like tomatoes

I don't like fresh tomatoes.  I never have.  I like tomato sauce, tomato soup, crushed tomatoes, ketchup and pretty much every other form of mashed up tomato, but I despise fresh tomatoes. 

Recently, I went to a luncheon and on my plate, I was surprised to see what I thought was a slice of yellow bell pepper.  I love bell peppers.  Imagine my disappointment when I flipped it over to see that it was a yellow tomato.  I offered it to my friend who was at the luncheon with me and he showed genuine surprise at my dislike of tomatoes.  Especially a yellow one.  Then he told me I have to want to like them.  I don't want to like them.

Oddly enough, I've been thinking about this conversation and the idea of wanting things.

I want to be healthy...but I want it while eating poutine and cheeseburgers.
I want to be a runner...but I want to sit on my couch and watch movies or read a book.
I want to know God's will for my life...but I don't want to have to seek for it.
I want grow in my Christian walk...but I'd rather sleep for those extra minutes.

All my wants have something attached to them.  I have decided I can't really want them that much if they are always followed by excuses.

How do I get past that?  It has to be a conscious choice - just like wanting to like tomatoes - to be different, to do different. 

So, instead of a cheeseburger, I'm learning to like salad.  Instead of a movie, I've signed up for a 10k in June.  Instead of sleeping in (this is the hardest), I'm setting my alarm a little bit earlier to have some quiet time and seek God's direction in the morning before I start my day.  They don't seem like big steps, but I'm learning that my choices affect the way I feel about life everyday.  I have to want to do them.

I don't want to like tomatoes.

Fear

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

Fear is a funny thing.  Often it is irrationally rationalized and the end result is that paralyzing realization that you are missing out, only you've left your decision so long that there is nothing you can do about it.

Fear is what stops me from having conversations that need to be had, from taking leaps of faith, and from discovering new and wonderful things.

I find myself wondering what would happen if I applied for the jobs I'm finding in Ontario and BC and just left this place.  What am I so afraid of?  What if instead of backing down from that really hard conversation, I spoke up and learned a little bit more about who I am, what I stand for and how to graciously and lovingly share what's on my heart even if it hurts for a moment?  What if I gave people that benefit of the doubt and realized that they do truly want to know my heart?

What if I realized that the twisted feeling in my stomach would go away and my pounding heart would slow if I would just learn to step out?  It must get easier with each time you decide to let faith overpower fear.

What if I truly believed that God's plan for my life was greater than my own and that if I just stop to listen, I'd know where my next step would be planted?  What if I let go of the control I hold onto for fear of not knowing what's coming?  What kind of amazing places would I visit, how many amazing people would I meet and how much would God's grace overpower that fear that holds me back?

Please winter, go away!

Two years ago, I posted an "Ode to an April Snow Day" here.  I think I forgot that the snow lasted so long because last year spring was glorious.

A friend of mine wrote on her facebook that we should be looking for Narnia's White Witch as it seems she has taken over Saskatchewan.  We've set record snow falls this year and for the last two days have broken records for the coldest night.  Isn't that wonderful?  Oh right, no, it isn't.  But, there is a bright side...

Thank you, Eeyore, for reminding me that it could be worse.

This is what happens when it is melting and freezing at the same time and your rain gutter gets packed with ice...

The really big one finally fell off. I'm sad I didn't get his picture. His name was Frank. I broke the rest of them off today with my shovel. They'll be back tomorrow. Sigh. Please winter, go away!

Cherish the Small Things

I pulled out my book from tour today. It's filled with memories - funny things the children said, pictures, reflections from days off, funny incidents that happened - but the most cherished parts are the notes from my children. It has been more than 2 years since I finished tour and yet I can still remember those times like it just happened. I remember where the notebooks came from or the cards. I remember the host family that bought the colouring books which were coloured with care and then given to the aunties and uncles. As I read through the notes the children wrote, I couldn't help but wish that I had realized then how special they would be now. I kept almost all of them. Drawings and scripture, notes that need to be translated because they weren't very good at spelling yet, to notes that are filled with beautiful words that show me not only how much they learned, but how much they developed as people. My children wrote notes without prompting. They were always asking to draw a picture in my book. It is as though even then they realized that I would need the memory to look back on.

Tour life was not easy.  But, it was the most rewarding experience. I treasure all the little things that are stored in my memory.  I love that I have notes now from my visit to Africa.  They have grown and developed new skills, but I can still see the loving, thoughtful children they were on tour as they grow up in Kenya and Uganda.  The beautiful children that kicked the back of my seat and sometimes made me want to pull out my hair in frustration have shaped so much of who I am and it was looking back at these little keepsakes that reminded me to not take the little things for granted - but also to remember that what seems so insignificant at the time can mean so much later on.  Sometimes I forget that now that I'm home. What can I do for others that may seem insignificant but will truly be cherished?

Notes from Priscillah and Ritah

Spring is Coming?

Today is the first day of spring - on the calendar only, I think...it certainly isn't happening here anytime soon.


For instance, this is our current weather...

Ya, you read that right.  Feels like -25 C with wind gust up to 61 km/hr.  That's the best first day of spring weather!

And this is what my yard looks like...

I've only got a little path to the door because the drift is so heavy...

There is a barbeque in there somewhere...

I'm thinking it will be June before I even know there is grass underneath all that snow. Spring is coming - eventually!

Renewed on the inside

I've spent this week painting the inside of my kitchen cupboards.  They were pretty beaten up and in need of cleaning and a fresh coat of paint.  Once everything is cleaned up and neatly tucked away behind closed doors (which are also in need of some TLC), no one will know that there has been a transformation.  I'll know it's different and clean, but unless someone actually opens the cupboard doors, it will remain a hidden renovation.

Sometimes I have to chuckle when I realize how God speaks to me...really, God, through cupboards?  Just like my cupboards, I've needed some cleaning and renewing on the inside.  I've been learning so many things lately about relationships, about timing, and about trust, but it all is happening on the inside.  Eventually, like my kitchen cupboards the outward parts of me will begin to show the change, but right now, it's taking place inside my heart.  And that's good.  I need to allow God time to work in my heart, to change my focus, to grow my understanding.  It's a renovation that's just between him and me. 

I'm not an easy person to get to know.  I keep things close to my heart and share with those special few who are persistent enough to keep on trying.  Even in my home, it will be those friends who might actually see the inside of my kitchen cupboards, just like they'll see my heart.  However, what I'm learning is that part of creating relationship is allowing those doors to be open both in my home and in my heart.  It's a struggle for me, but I'm working at it. 

Let It Rain...

I love music for many of reasons, but tonight, it was for the way it washed over me like a soothing balm.  It filled an empty place and enveloped me like a soft blanket on a blizzardy day.  I went out feeling awful and came home feeling refreshed, awakened.  There is something about live music with amazing musicians that changes your perspective on life.  A God-given joy that seeps down in my soul as the music permeates through my tough skin and reaches into my heart.

It was a last minute decision to go, but I'm glad I did.  Diana Krall on Valentine's Day.  Happy Valentine's Day to me.  Here's a favourite from the show...