Denial

I want to live in denial.

Surely the ending of this story isn’t coming.

Good-bye can’t really be as close as it feels.

Denial would be easiest but I have been trying to give myself doses of reality in hopes that the ending won’t be nearly as hard as I’m anticipating. There are 3 months left of tour. I can’t believe it. Soon, this life I am leading will be over and I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself.

Soon, I won’t have 21 hugs every morning. I won’t be wondering how to be a good parent. There won’t be moments of laughter when the children speak “Egyptian” or when we almost bounce out of our seats on the highway. I won’t be on call anymore…I wonder if I’ll sleep. The children really won’t be mine anymore since I’ll no longer be their legal guardian. I won’t laugh with Deborah, cuddle with Priscillah, play fight with Faith, chase after Reagan, dance with Grace, cook with James, sing with Ritah, joke with Charity, talk with Brian, be Rogers’ bag check…

The people that I have spent more time with in the last 12 months than anyone else in my whole life will no longer be just a bus seat away. No longer will I turn around from my seat at the front to see the people who have become my world this past year. After a year on the road, I know how things go, how we work as a team, the things that make tour life rough and the little things that restore joy. Somehow, knowing that I’ll be starting over at home makes leaving that behind that much harder.

In 3 months, this life of tour will just be a memory. Something I once did that was different than the norm. In my 30 years, this has easily been one of the best years of my life. Will there be another year like this, or 30 years from now will I look back and think this was still one of the best years of my life? One year from now, will I miss it or be glad that it is over?

Perhaps denial is better.