The Struggle of Surrender

I pride myself on being independent...pride being the defining word of that statement.  When my niece was little, she used to say, "I do it by me own self" (put a little Irish lilt in your pronunciation and you'll have it just right).  It seems I have adopted this little mantra for myself.  I can do it.  I can do it by myself.  I have always had an independent streak, but I can pinpoint when it came to be a pride issue.  It came as a way to prove that I didn't need a certain someone in my life anymore.  It came about to prove that a single woman could be successful and accomplished.  It came about to prove that even with a broken heart, one could still make decisions and enjoy life.  Seven years of proving it has made it that much more difficult to surrender it.

Generally, my independent nature is not all that bad.  Considering my current life path, independence is a valid and needed trait.  However, I try to exert my independence in too many ways and usually it ends up in a frantic phone call to my parents (who are highly gracious and understanding) who then talk me down off my ledge of panic.

I spent this morning at a worship conference and at the end of the session, the speaker gave us time to simply wait upon the Lord.  As I sat there, I knew that Lord was asking me to surrender.  To let go of my need to prove that I can do it...to let go of my pride the proves to those around me that I am not weak, that I am not needy...to let go of my independence so that I could simply be dependent on my maker.  I wrestled in my spirit for a long while and although a layer or two was stripped away, there is still a multitude of independent layers to overcome.

I want to be dependent on my Saviour but still hold control over my own life.  Problem is, it doesn't work that way.  I need to be fully dependent on him and relinquish the control I hold.  Oh, how I wrestle with that.  I make bargains and offer suggestions and still he waits for me to hand it over, to let him be the definitive decision maker, life planner and heart holder.  I've worked so hard for this independence, I struggle with relinquishing the reins and simply sitting in the passenger seat, allowing Christ to be the driver. 

I was reminded today that he is holding my heart and my spirit and if I will just let me hold all of it instead of just a portion that he has a great plan for my life.  I just need to let him have the room to fulfill it.