Day 1 - December 5

I should be packing. I should be doing a lot of things...but I'm totally unmotivated. Tonight is the last night. The children are in bed, their bags are loaded on the bus, their travel clothes are lined up neatly in the landing outside their room. My room looks like a tornado stuck. It's been the catch-all room for the last 3 weeks and now that everybody else's stuff is out, I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to deal with my stuff. Blast.

I find that my emotions today have been at a standstill. I think I'm numb, in shock really, at the reality of tomorrow. We've been on tour so long, it just doesn't seem like it can really be ending. I know that each day of tour has been leading to sending the children home, but it is a reality that doesn't truly take effect until the day of its arrival.

I had 2 shadows all day long. Faith and Deborah rarely left my side unless they were given strict instructions to do something else. I love these girls and know that God's plans for them are greater than what I could ever imagine, but a huge part of me wishes that I could at least be along for the ride. As the years pass, they'll grow and change and mature. I won't see it and when I see them again, it will be like meeting a new person. So many changes will have happened in them as it will be for all my kids. The intensity of tour is being so quickly ended that it will take me some time to figure out exactly how to live outside of tour.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I'm dreading the ride to the airport. The last few hours of time on a bus that I have called home for the last 15 months. The last few hours of time with the people I have called family. The last few hours of time with the children that I love as though they were mine. It will be a day of heartache, but I am learning that loving them was an adventure, a gift, a treasure really. It makes the heartache worth it.