The end

Last night when I went to bed, I had 19 children. I tucked them in, gave them hugs, told them I loved them, then went down to my own room and went to bed. This morning I woke up and I had 19 children. I got them ready for the day, feed them breakfast, yelled at them to hurry up, and hugged them again. Tonight, as I get ready for bed, I have no children. I won't get 19 hugs, I won't have Derrick pulling me back for just one more, Alex won't show me his pictures from tour, Deborah won't tell me she loves me, Charity won't give me a raspberry as she gives me a hug.

I'm feeling a little bit lost. I'm not alone, but I feel a little bit secluded. I'm here in DC with Alesha, Chelsea and Amy. I'm glad to be here with them for a few days to take a few steps back from being a parent, to learning to be a friend.

It has been a hard day. Surreal and hard to comprehend. The ride on the bus today felt like any other bus ride until we got to DC and passed the airport on our way to supper. Supper was a quiet affair - my girls and I had a hard time eating and the talking was limited. The bus ride to the airport was filled with sniffles and tears from both the children and the chaps. Check in went well and we had one last devotion in the corner of the airport before we said our final goodbyes. My tears came without warning and they were impossible to stop. Each hug was savoured for a moment before the children moved on to hug the next chaperone.

And just like that, they were gone. Tour was over. Finished. Today, I became just Stacy. No more Auntie. Just Stacy.

I'm forever changed because I loved these children. I'm forever changed because these children loved me.