Randomly lonely

Loneliness is a funny emotion.  It strikes at the most random of times.  It doesn't hit when I am alone, but when I am in a crowd of people.  It comes from watching people interact easily and the longing that comes along with it.  I tend to be an introvert by nature and a poor conversationalist at the best of times which adds to this whole emotion of loneliness.  Sometimes I wish that people could hear the conversation in my head (sometimes I'm glad that they can't...) and that they could understand me without the speaking part.  Unfortunately, relationships aren't like that and when I open my mouth, it pretty much solidifies the reason I feel lonely.  I don't know how to communicate.  Sometimes during a conversation, I think I have a good tidbit to insert, but then I say it, the people stare strangely at me, the conversation moves on and I'm left thinking as to why I thought that was a good piece of conversation.  This is really the main reason I choose not to engage in conversation.  It is embarrassing and simply easier to be lonely.

I think it is safe to say that once people get to know me, the communication gets easier or they simply understand my lack of generally good conversation and they just move around my ramblings.  It's such a strange way to go about your life - wanting to engage with people but not having the slightest idea how to do it. 

I haven't grasped it in 30 years...how long will it take?