Nostalgia

I don't typically find New Years to be super nostalgic for me...generally that hits me in September when a new school year starts.  I think this year is probably different because of all the transition that has happened.  I've learned so much about myself, so many lessons that needed to be learned - some the hard way, some the easy way - but learned one way or the other.

I cleaned out my TV stand drawers and found my grade 12 grad video and my IBC grad video, so I decided to watch them...perhaps this is where that nostalgia comes from.  As I watched, I realized how quickly time has passed.  I graduated from high school almost 14 years ago!  Whoa!  Things certainly haven't gone the way I planned, but I've had so many wonderful opportunities that never would have happened if I had followed my own course.

The year I was at IBC, we had a choir for graduation.  As the music played (the cheesy synth shining through), I almost started to fast forward but decided it was worth a listen.  The chorus of the song was:

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you can't see his plan
When you can't trace his hand
Trust his heart

This year has been hard in many ways.  Sometimes I try to find the tracing of where God's hand is leading me and I simply can't.  This song reminded me that I am not always going to have the ability to know where God is leading me, but if I trust the heart of God to be wise and good, then the path I will be on will be one of faithfulness.

A few lessons learned this year:

• Life is full of seasons, of joys and sorrows, letting go and holding on.
• Boundaries are good.  Set them.
• Honesty and faithfulness are keys to relationship. 
• Sometimes God says no.  We might not know the reason, but that's where trusting his heart is so key.
• I can't change the past.  
• Love deeply.  Loss comes and that is part of life, so don't withhold love even when it hurts.
• Worry ends where faith in God begins.  

I hope this year is filled with adventure.  I want to learn to rejoice in all things.  I hope that dreams will come true and God says yes. Not my will, but his be done.

Emmanuel - God with Us

Hope.  Emmanuel, God with us, brings us hope. 

On Sunday, Pastor Joel spoke about the reason Christ came to earth - to be Emmanuel, God with us.  In his birth, he came to earth to walk among humanity, to bring hope and love, to be close to us.

He came to bring redemption.

After service, I got to thinking about Christmas. The birth of Christ brought God to earth, but it doesn't stop there.  Christ on earth was only a short 30-some years.  Christ in spirit is forever.  If Christ's death hadn't happened, there would be no point to Christmas.  It made me wonder how different our world would be if we celebrated Christ's death with as much vigour and intensity as we celebrate his birth.  Months before Christmas, we put up our trees, light up our houses, put out our nativity sets and go on a spending spree that could feed an entire third world country.  Why do we not celebrate Christ's death and resurrection in the same way?  Christ's death meant that in 2011, his spirit could still be God with us.  Why don't we put up our crosses and crowns of thorns?  Where is the tomb with the stone rolled away that we put out to remind us of Christ's sacrificial death for our redemption of sins?  The picture isn't nearly a "pretty" as a baby wrapped lovingly in strips of cloth and laying in a manger full of hay.  But the message of redemption is so much greater.  The birth, although a miracle and a loving gesture from a King who left his throne, is nothing without the next chapter.  It's Christ's death and resurrection that truly makes his coming worth celebrating.

I am praying that this Christmas I will be mindful of the redemptive reason that Christ came - to be Emmanuel, God with us, here, now, always.

And A Year Has Passed

Up.  Down.  

Happy.  Sad.  

Content.  Restless.  

Settled.  Anxious.  

Wishing.  Dreaming.  Hoping.  

Longing.

A year ago today, I said good-bye to my children.  It is so hard to believe a year has passed.  I look back on this year and feel as though I just said good-bye to them but a few short weeks ago.  I still remember their laughs, hugs, and smiles.  I see them as clearly now as I did a year ago.  I find myself wondering how shocking it will be when one day I see them and their laughter has changed, their smiles are bigger and their hugs are around my neck and not around my waist.  How strange will it be when in my memory, they are as they were when I waved farewell from the top of the escalator in Washington, DC?

It's strange now to say that I toured a year ago.  It is no longer a recent event.  The memories and experiences still live so deeply within me though, that they will always be a part of who I am.  The chaperones have become my family and closest friends.  The children are mine whether they are living with me on a bus or busy at school in Africa.  I will always cherish them.  I will always miss them.  I think of them everyday.

I miss the life of tour.  The community that traveled with you wherever you went, the joy that came from watching the children grow and learn, the laughter that we shared on a daily basis.  I even miss the struggles that came on tour.  It's so easy to forget my need to grow and thrive now that I am back in the routine of home and work.  Growth was such a part of tour because you didn't have a choice.  It's easy to choose not to grow when you aren't forced to be adaptable.  It's easy to walk away from conflict and not have to deal with things that life throws my way when I am no longer confined to a bus and living in close proximity continually.  It changed me deeply and I am forever grateful.

One day, I'll see my children again.  I can't wait to put my arms around them - no matter how much they've grown.

A Rant from my Soap Box

I've been following the "Occupy Movement", especially since it has set up shop here at home.  I would first like to state that although I recognize the inequality that finances create, I do not agree with the basic premise of the Occupy Movement. 

Firstly, I am bothered by the fact that it is a "poor me" status that has taken over in North American protests.  If this movement was happening in Third World Countries, where society is unable to care for those in poverty, then I might be more supportive.  Here in Canada, we have so many programs available to those who need assistance.  And while I recognize that we are in a financial crisis in so many places, we are not without job opportunities.  I am not saying our system is perfect, I am saying that there are ways to get help.

Secondly, I was most recently bothered by the news of an 11 year old who has been sleeping and protesting in the park.  Why is an 11 year old not at school?  Here in Canada we have free education, a chance for that child to learn work ethic and begin to discover where his gifts lie.  Why is a child protesting in an adult debate?

Thirdly, I might not be rich, but everyday, I go to work and earn the money that I receive.  I work hard and live comfortably and do not feel that because I am not part of the 1% who happen to have a better business head than I, that I should be exempt from so many things.

Yes, I agree that equal taxation is needed.  I agree that too often we cater to those with money.  However, I don't agree that if they have worked hard for it, they shouldn't have it.

And lastly, if you get a fine for staying in the park and breaking a city bylaw, please do not come to my door asking for a donation to cover it.  I send my money to people who truly need help and support them through trusted organizations who are a making a difference.  Get a job and cover it yourself or get out of the park. 

A Faith Progression

This month has been teaching me many lessons and as I stop to ponder them, I am seeing a progression of growth in my faith.  A few weeks ago, I heard Max Lucado speaking on a radio station.  He talked about how we need to recognize that as humans, we are always in a "crisis" situation.  He said that we need to act out our faith on the good days the same way we would on the tough days - diligence in spending time with God, in reading his Word and in recognizing his grace.  There is always a battle going on for our lives, even when in our humanity, we feel pretty good.  Then, this past Saturday, I really felt challenged to relinquish my independence and to stop trying to be so self-sufficient.  On Sunday, I was reminded that God isn't here for my immediate stress relief but that often there is a lesson I need to learn through the trying situation.

Boom...trying situation.  2 leaky pipes in my crawl space.  I know that doesn't sound like a reason to panic, but I know nothing about these kinds of things and my mind always goes to the extreme and in the end, my imagination has me paying thousands and thousands of dollars to get it fixed.  The last time I had a crisis situation, I called my parents in a frantic panic.  I still called my parents, but this time it was with a calm spirit in knowing that even in this "crisis", I was being looked after.  As I looked at the problem, I felt my heart start to pound, but over and over in my mind was that even in this crisis, there is a lesson.  A few deep breaths and a moment of prayer and I felt my perspective begin to shift.  It's going to be okay.  Pipes can be fixed.  I have a job that is going to pay me for the next 10 months and it will be fine.  In fact, I even felt enough courage to go completely into my crawl space (which is how I found the second leaky pipe....AND if you knew how much I dislike dark, damp spaces, you'd understand my dilemma).  Then I realized, if the leaky pipe right by the door to the crawl space hadn't happened, I never would have found the other one - the one that is more problematic than the first. 

These lessons that have been living in my mind for the last few weeks have worked their way into my heart and I'm finally learning.  I'm not saying that I won't have a panic again, I'm saying that I'm learning to deal with it in faith.  This progression of faith is unending and I just need to keep my eyes open for the lesson God is trying to teach me.

The Struggle of Surrender

I pride myself on being independent...pride being the defining word of that statement.  When my niece was little, she used to say, "I do it by me own self" (put a little Irish lilt in your pronunciation and you'll have it just right).  It seems I have adopted this little mantra for myself.  I can do it.  I can do it by myself.  I have always had an independent streak, but I can pinpoint when it came to be a pride issue.  It came as a way to prove that I didn't need a certain someone in my life anymore.  It came about to prove that a single woman could be successful and accomplished.  It came about to prove that even with a broken heart, one could still make decisions and enjoy life.  Seven years of proving it has made it that much more difficult to surrender it.

Generally, my independent nature is not all that bad.  Considering my current life path, independence is a valid and needed trait.  However, I try to exert my independence in too many ways and usually it ends up in a frantic phone call to my parents (who are highly gracious and understanding) who then talk me down off my ledge of panic.

I spent this morning at a worship conference and at the end of the session, the speaker gave us time to simply wait upon the Lord.  As I sat there, I knew that Lord was asking me to surrender.  To let go of my need to prove that I can do it...to let go of my pride the proves to those around me that I am not weak, that I am not needy...to let go of my independence so that I could simply be dependent on my maker.  I wrestled in my spirit for a long while and although a layer or two was stripped away, there is still a multitude of independent layers to overcome.

I want to be dependent on my Saviour but still hold control over my own life.  Problem is, it doesn't work that way.  I need to be fully dependent on him and relinquish the control I hold.  Oh, how I wrestle with that.  I make bargains and offer suggestions and still he waits for me to hand it over, to let him be the definitive decision maker, life planner and heart holder.  I've worked so hard for this independence, I struggle with relinquishing the reins and simply sitting in the passenger seat, allowing Christ to be the driver. 

I was reminded today that he is holding my heart and my spirit and if I will just let me hold all of it instead of just a portion that he has a great plan for my life.  I just need to let him have the room to fulfill it.

Ah, summer

I haven't blogged in a while...too busy with summer holidays!  It has been a wonderful summer filled with travel and friends.

I started out my summer with Amber celebrating Canada Day and spending the weekend with her and Justin.  We had a great time and it was nice to spend a relaxing weekend at her place to begin to recoup from the semester.  After the Canada Day weekend, I spent a few days with my parents before jetting off to Michigan to see my fellow Aunties from Choir 35.  It was a wonderful visit!  I loved being with them and seeing Choir 37, being able to spend time with those children felt so normal and right.  We did a lot of fun things in Michigan!  Here are a few...

Amy, me and Alesha out for a walk in Grand Haven

My kindred, Laura

Footprints in the sand

Amusement park with Choir 37.  So fun!

Back in my seat.  Felt so nice...

Together again...Amy, Chelsea, Vic, Me and Alesha

We did some volunteer work and made a new friend.  Meet Judy!

Love you, kindred.

Trip to New York State...these are small ice creams!

Out for Crepes

At Canandaigua Lake

Spent the day at Lake Michigan.  Fun in the waves!

Sand dune ride

We climbed to the top of a lighthouse

Hiking the sand dunes...it was hard

Traverse City

 On the way home, my flight was delayed in Minneapolis.  I spent the night on the floor of the airport and got rerouted through Winnipeg.

Down for the night in Minneapolis

View for 18 hours...

The good part about going through Winnipeg.  A visit with my dear friend, Nancy

View from the plane...my university

 After my vacation in Michigan, I spent a few days at home, saw a beautiful young woman get married, celebrated the pending arrival of my dear friend's first baby and spent 3 days painting the exterior of my house (with the help of my dad, of course)!  It looks beautiful.

Jill's wedding

Kristen's shower

The finished face lift

I was excited to be able to spend a few days in BC with my dear friend, Rhonda.  I visited the ACC office and got to see the other Western Auntie, Mel.  It was a wonderful weekend.

Auntie Mel and I

I love the ocean

Katrina and Kaia really missed me :)

Katrina, Kaia and I took a road trip to Saskatoon to see the musical Wicked!  It was amazing.  I'm so glad we went.  We finished off the night with supper at Fuddruckers.  I enjoy that restaurant!

Ready for Wicked to start!

 The unfortunate part of the summer was that my windshield got smashed.  That's annoying!  The day before I went back to work, I woke up to a lovely little surprise.  Thankfully, SGI was very helpful.

That's a pretty impressive crack

I also had lots of time to relax, read books, spend time with my friends, go for walks and watch movies.  It was a wonderful summer and I'm glad that I took so many adventures.  One more exciting adventure hopefully awaits if the weather stays nice...a hot air balloon ride!  School starts Monday, so it will be the last adventure for a while.  It is hard to say good-bye to summer adventures, but who knows what adventures await me this year!