A Faith Progression

This month has been teaching me many lessons and as I stop to ponder them, I am seeing a progression of growth in my faith.  A few weeks ago, I heard Max Lucado speaking on a radio station.  He talked about how we need to recognize that as humans, we are always in a "crisis" situation.  He said that we need to act out our faith on the good days the same way we would on the tough days - diligence in spending time with God, in reading his Word and in recognizing his grace.  There is always a battle going on for our lives, even when in our humanity, we feel pretty good.  Then, this past Saturday, I really felt challenged to relinquish my independence and to stop trying to be so self-sufficient.  On Sunday, I was reminded that God isn't here for my immediate stress relief but that often there is a lesson I need to learn through the trying situation.

Boom...trying situation.  2 leaky pipes in my crawl space.  I know that doesn't sound like a reason to panic, but I know nothing about these kinds of things and my mind always goes to the extreme and in the end, my imagination has me paying thousands and thousands of dollars to get it fixed.  The last time I had a crisis situation, I called my parents in a frantic panic.  I still called my parents, but this time it was with a calm spirit in knowing that even in this "crisis", I was being looked after.  As I looked at the problem, I felt my heart start to pound, but over and over in my mind was that even in this crisis, there is a lesson.  A few deep breaths and a moment of prayer and I felt my perspective begin to shift.  It's going to be okay.  Pipes can be fixed.  I have a job that is going to pay me for the next 10 months and it will be fine.  In fact, I even felt enough courage to go completely into my crawl space (which is how I found the second leaky pipe....AND if you knew how much I dislike dark, damp spaces, you'd understand my dilemma).  Then I realized, if the leaky pipe right by the door to the crawl space hadn't happened, I never would have found the other one - the one that is more problematic than the first. 

These lessons that have been living in my mind for the last few weeks have worked their way into my heart and I'm finally learning.  I'm not saying that I won't have a panic again, I'm saying that I'm learning to deal with it in faith.  This progression of faith is unending and I just need to keep my eyes open for the lesson God is trying to teach me.

The Struggle of Surrender

I pride myself on being independent...pride being the defining word of that statement.  When my niece was little, she used to say, "I do it by me own self" (put a little Irish lilt in your pronunciation and you'll have it just right).  It seems I have adopted this little mantra for myself.  I can do it.  I can do it by myself.  I have always had an independent streak, but I can pinpoint when it came to be a pride issue.  It came as a way to prove that I didn't need a certain someone in my life anymore.  It came about to prove that a single woman could be successful and accomplished.  It came about to prove that even with a broken heart, one could still make decisions and enjoy life.  Seven years of proving it has made it that much more difficult to surrender it.

Generally, my independent nature is not all that bad.  Considering my current life path, independence is a valid and needed trait.  However, I try to exert my independence in too many ways and usually it ends up in a frantic phone call to my parents (who are highly gracious and understanding) who then talk me down off my ledge of panic.

I spent this morning at a worship conference and at the end of the session, the speaker gave us time to simply wait upon the Lord.  As I sat there, I knew that Lord was asking me to surrender.  To let go of my need to prove that I can do it...to let go of my pride the proves to those around me that I am not weak, that I am not needy...to let go of my independence so that I could simply be dependent on my maker.  I wrestled in my spirit for a long while and although a layer or two was stripped away, there is still a multitude of independent layers to overcome.

I want to be dependent on my Saviour but still hold control over my own life.  Problem is, it doesn't work that way.  I need to be fully dependent on him and relinquish the control I hold.  Oh, how I wrestle with that.  I make bargains and offer suggestions and still he waits for me to hand it over, to let him be the definitive decision maker, life planner and heart holder.  I've worked so hard for this independence, I struggle with relinquishing the reins and simply sitting in the passenger seat, allowing Christ to be the driver. 

I was reminded today that he is holding my heart and my spirit and if I will just let me hold all of it instead of just a portion that he has a great plan for my life.  I just need to let him have the room to fulfill it.