Old Ramblings, Same feelings

I wrote the following a while ago...the first one was in December 2006, but it is undated. The other 2 are a whole year apart and yet, here I sit almost another year passed, feeling almost the exact same way. Have I missed something or am I in a season of solitude still for a reason?

What is it about true love that seems to be so elusive? Why is it that we can long for it so deeply, yet still seem to be so far away from the real evidence of deep, lasting, committed love? I often wonder why God would put the desire so strong in my heart and yet keep it unfulfilled for so long. The deepest yearnings come at the strangest times…watching a movie, in the mall, grocery shopping…and yet they seem to be the times when I long for companionship the most. Someone to share the mundane and trivial, someone to ask how my day went and to hear my “funny” stories and laugh, even if they aren’t that funny. I long to be cherished for who I am, to be loved for what I have to offer. I long to be the perfect fit to someone else even in my imperfection. Sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. Sometimes I feel so sad purely because I have no one to share my life with. Friends are wonderful and no one can deny the joy they bring to your life, but they also cannot share every moment or be the passion in your soul, the joy in your eyes, the love in your heart. They cannot be the intimate person who shares your hopes and dreams, your sorrows and your fears. The problem comes when you start to wonder if the reason for your singleness is simply because you are unlovable. Or perhaps your best match has chosen a different way, leaving you simply incomplete due to another’s choices. And is it true that there is only “the one” for you, or could you simply live a life of contentment with anyone? I appreciate (and can laugh at) the friends and family who want to find me someone or think of people to “fix” me up with, but sometimes all that happens is that I get notions in my mind of things that will never be, simply because they are improbable and yet, I become almost obsessed with the thoughts, because perhaps, you just never know when the improbable will become a reality. I find it frustrating to see people in relationships that have no meaning but that they just have simply to fill a void and yet I can see why they do it, when I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be at least a way to make it though the waiting period. But what person wants leftovers?

January 6, 2007
My heart is feeling very lonely again today. I shouldn’t let myself watch romantic movies or dream about getting married. It carries too great a price for my heart. I have cried out to God many times about this loneliness and I know that now is not my time, but at this moment it doesn’t make the waiting any easier. I am trying to trust that his timing is so much greater than mine and that his desire for my life will be carried out at the most appropriate time, but I just can’t seem to convince my heart what my head already believes. It is difficult for me to let go of this desire until the appropriate time. I tend to hyper focus and this desire in my heart is so great and it seems to be the only thing I dream about. Life is good, I know it is….I love my job, I love my students, I even like this little apartment, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have no one to share it with, no one who really cares about how the day went, who cheers on my successes and who understands my disappointments. My parents are great, but there comes a point in every young adult’s life when the understanding and interest needs to be on a deeper level. Perhaps it is my fault that I don’t have a friend to be that for now, but do they really care anyways?

January 17, 2008
I've felt lately like I'm in a holding pattern and I'm just waiting for the runway to be cleared so I can land, but there has been an accident or strange weather and so there is no estimated time of arrival. My wings are tired and I’m running out of gas…what will happen if I can’t make it and I don’t have my parachute?

The Least Common Denominator

In math, I teach my students about the least common denominator. It's a way to compare fractions or simplify fractions, so that they are in a common form. Having them in the lowest common denominator makes the fractions the easiest to work with.

I don't know why math would make me think about myself, but for some reason, I learned a valuable lesson.

I always compare myself to the lowest common denominator. I want to lose some weight, but then I see someone else and think, "well, at least I'm thinner than they are". Or maybe it is qualities that I see in myself that I would like to change...but I compare them to someone who needs to work on those qualities even more than I do, and think that I'm just fine. Comparing to the LCD is easy, because then it requires less work on my part, just like in math.

What really needs to happen in my life is that I change myself to be like the greatest common factor- Christ. Becoming like the GCF is more work. If I want to be better in my life, I need to always be looking to Christ and to no one else. It means actually trying to change. He is the only way that I can be better than I am.