Gilbert

I love Anne of Green Gables - always have. I read the books as a little girl and own the movies. On Boxing Day, I realized how long it had been since I watched them, so I watched both the original and the sequel. I love everything about the story - the imagination, the challenges, the romance, the realness. I love Marilla and her steady, unhurried character. I love Matthew and his quiet, tender strength. I love Diana and her committed, unwavering friendship.

As I watched the movie this time, I thought about LM Montgomery and I wondered how she came up with Gilbert's character. I love Gilbert (who is played by Jonathan Crombie) and I wondered if he was modeled after Lucy's sweetheart, her dream man or if she simply knew what a woman wanted in a man. I think I know some reasons why Gilbert tends to be a favourite. First of all, he pursues Anne without smothering her. In her stubbornness, it takes her a while to figure it out, but she does eventually. He's there for her when she needs him, but also steps back when she needs her space. Secondly, he is honest with her. He doesn't let her prickles stop him from speaking his mind. His honesty might hurt, but it doesn't stop him from saying it, knowing that it is truth. Thirdly, he is willing to be alone, rather than to hurt someone else. We find out part way through, that Gilbert is engaged to Emily but he calls off the engagement when he realizes that he'll never love her the way he loves Anne. A man of integrity. Lastly, he is funny, strong, encouraging and romantic.

What's not to love? :)

Everything Changes

For every ending, there is a new beginning, but remember that with every beginning, there comes an end.

I realized that today as I thought back on the last few years of my life. Everything changes. Even the things we think remain the same, don't. If you stop to look closely, you'll see change - either for the better or the worse - but things really don't stay the same.

There is reality in the changes. For instance, I'm too old to go to the young adults group that Amy added me to in New York. I still think I'm young, but I'm not really. I'm 30. At some point in time, you go from being a young adult to simply being an adult. I saw my best friend get married in April and yesterday walked through her new home, hearing her dreams for the future. Such big changes from the girls that used to lie in bed and giggle for hours. We're not little girls anymore.

Everything changes. Even when I don't want it to, it changes. No matter how hard I try to hold on, you can't hold it back. It just makes the changes that much more difficult to accept.

And a week has passed

I feel like I'm on holidays. I feel like in a week or so, I'll board a plane, worry about crossing the border and meet back up with Village 3 to continue touring with my children and my friends. It doesn't quite feel real yet. I am in Ontario at my grams' house for a few days. It has been wonderful to be here with her, but hard to find where I fit. I've spent months visiting with strangers, but I seem to be having a hard time making normal conversation with my family. Meet a stranger at church and BAM! no problems...seriously, this is a bit ridiculous.

I feel a little bit numb. I'm waiting for my emotions and my heart to catch up with my brain. I wonder when I will begin to allow myself to grieve. So far, I haven't started yet. I've been rock solid. It is making me a bit nervous. I can do this, really, I can.

The end

Last night when I went to bed, I had 19 children. I tucked them in, gave them hugs, told them I loved them, then went down to my own room and went to bed. This morning I woke up and I had 19 children. I got them ready for the day, feed them breakfast, yelled at them to hurry up, and hugged them again. Tonight, as I get ready for bed, I have no children. I won't get 19 hugs, I won't have Derrick pulling me back for just one more, Alex won't show me his pictures from tour, Deborah won't tell me she loves me, Charity won't give me a raspberry as she gives me a hug.

I'm feeling a little bit lost. I'm not alone, but I feel a little bit secluded. I'm here in DC with Alesha, Chelsea and Amy. I'm glad to be here with them for a few days to take a few steps back from being a parent, to learning to be a friend.

It has been a hard day. Surreal and hard to comprehend. The ride on the bus today felt like any other bus ride until we got to DC and passed the airport on our way to supper. Supper was a quiet affair - my girls and I had a hard time eating and the talking was limited. The bus ride to the airport was filled with sniffles and tears from both the children and the chaps. Check in went well and we had one last devotion in the corner of the airport before we said our final goodbyes. My tears came without warning and they were impossible to stop. Each hug was savoured for a moment before the children moved on to hug the next chaperone.

And just like that, they were gone. Tour was over. Finished. Today, I became just Stacy. No more Auntie. Just Stacy.

I'm forever changed because I loved these children. I'm forever changed because these children loved me.

Day 1 - December 5

I should be packing. I should be doing a lot of things...but I'm totally unmotivated. Tonight is the last night. The children are in bed, their bags are loaded on the bus, their travel clothes are lined up neatly in the landing outside their room. My room looks like a tornado stuck. It's been the catch-all room for the last 3 weeks and now that everybody else's stuff is out, I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to deal with my stuff. Blast.

I find that my emotions today have been at a standstill. I think I'm numb, in shock really, at the reality of tomorrow. We've been on tour so long, it just doesn't seem like it can really be ending. I know that each day of tour has been leading to sending the children home, but it is a reality that doesn't truly take effect until the day of its arrival.

I had 2 shadows all day long. Faith and Deborah rarely left my side unless they were given strict instructions to do something else. I love these girls and know that God's plans for them are greater than what I could ever imagine, but a huge part of me wishes that I could at least be along for the ride. As the years pass, they'll grow and change and mature. I won't see it and when I see them again, it will be like meeting a new person. So many changes will have happened in them as it will be for all my kids. The intensity of tour is being so quickly ended that it will take me some time to figure out exactly how to live outside of tour.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I'm dreading the ride to the airport. The last few hours of time on a bus that I have called home for the last 15 months. The last few hours of time with the people I have called family. The last few hours of time with the children that I love as though they were mine. It will be a day of heartache, but I am learning that loving them was an adventure, a gift, a treasure really. It makes the heartache worth it.

Day 2 - December 4

Ode to the Found Feather Earring

You've been lost 100 times
And found 100 more
This time found beneath a shoe
Of one boy who also knew
His foot had stepped upon it
And he hid it from my eye
Then at the last moment
It appeared and I just sighed.
Welcome back, feather earring


The boys left this morning. Tears rolling down my cheeks, I said goodbye. Reagan gave me big hugs, cried the way he does and quietly walked to the car and got in. Jonah seemed ready for the adventure. He seemed excited for the plane ride. I hope that excitement continues. My heart is broken, knowing that they are close but still so far away. They have left a big hole. When I went up to their rooms this afternoon, I couldn't contain my tears. 2 empty bunks, 2 empty chairs. One more reminder of how quickly time is passing.

After the boys left, I decided that there was no point in going back to bed, so Amy and I went to finish the last of the suitcase shopping. At 6:30 in the morning, we rolled out of the driveway and hit up Walmart, Target, TJ Maxx, Payless, Old Navy, Kohl's and Ross. Somewhere in there, we went to Panera and treated ourselves to the most delicious bagel - the cinnamon crunch. Oh Panera, how I will miss you.

This afternoon it snowed - big beautiful, fluffy, wet snowflakes. Deborah, Faith and I took a lovely walk around the yard and had a chat before we got too cold. We came in and decided the children could watch some Christmas cartoons. Uncle Wallace and Auntie Pat came and made us the yummy chicken supper. It was a nice way to spend our last Saturday together.

I'm not ready for Monday. My room is a mess. The suitcases are done and ready to be loaded into the bus. There is a plan for the packing Monday morning. We are winding down as my emotions are winding up.

Strength for the next 2 days. That is all I'm asking for.

Day 3 - December 3

I stay up too late, but there are so many moments to have that I can't get myself to bed any sooner.

This day was filled with suitcases again and we almost have them complete. The last 2 arrived today and I feel so relieved to have them all here. We have a little bit of shopping, but not too much and it'll get done tomorrow.

Reagan and Jonah leave tomorrow for Choir 37. They are going to be little Choir 35 Ambassadors as they head to Nebraska to start with them for a few months. Tonight was really hard and I can't help but feel cheated of 2 days of time with these boys. They are both so special.

My Reagan is growing up so much. He is tenderhearted, but tough, loving, but fiesty. He wants 30 hugs but then teases me with lady bugs even though he knows I don't like them. His tears are genuine but he wants to show that he's strong too.

Jonah is such a character. He is developing a great sense of humour, is so helpful and is sincere in his conversation and interaction with others. He is developing leadership skills that are quite amazing for an 11 year old.

It is hard to say goodbye in bits. 2 boys tomorrow, 19 children on Monday, 4 chaps on Monday, 3 more on Friday...so many goodbyes. So many changes. So many endings.

Day 4 - December 2

I'm so tired. This week has been a wave of emotions, wrapping up, figuring out and trying to sort out the things I brought with me to Mirembe.

Today, we spent most of the day driving from store to store, looking for sizes and shoes for the children's suitcases. We needed to adjust sizes for some of the children and being the dollar conscious chaps that we are, we made good use of the tags still on the clothing to exchange and return the things that just didn't fit. It was a busy, crazy, fun, tiring, inspiring, sad, emotional, great day.

Tonight, we skyped with Vic and Choir 37. The kids thought it was really fun and they were pumped to see Uncle Vic. I sure miss him.

When I think about writing my last blog, I feel sick to my stomach. Soon, the blog will be about saying good bye.

Day 5 - December 1

December has hit and I'm finding the reality of the children leaving has really become real. The month is here. Monday is going to arrive so quickly and I'm still figuring out how to handle that.

My to-do list grows longer each minute and I seem to be adding more than I'm crossing out. We finished going through the children's suitcases today and they are awesome. The suitcase sponsor's did an amazing job of filling the suitcases and although the children don't recognize the blessing to its extent, I am amazed at how well they have been provided for.

Tonight, we watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas, had a special cake made by Amy, then had a dance party to wrap up the evening. These special times are going to be what I remember about these last few weeks. Amy and I are watching Home Alone and writing cards to our kids. Even these moments with the other chaps are special and I am enjoying the time we get to spend.

My boy Reagan has been so loving these last few days. It is hard, yet wonderful to get so many hugs from my boy. I'm storing them in my heart for another day. Days when 20 hugs won't be possible. I love that boy.

Day 6 - November 30

Ode to the feather earring...

I wasn't sure I loved you, until I wore you once
Then I loved you with my puffer vest and curly hair
I lost you once and found you, then lost you again and found you
But today I lost you and haven't found you yet.
Oh poor feather earring, I hope you haven't gone with the wind...

Today was the suitcase day and it was so fun!! The children were very excited to look at what arrived in their suitcase. We looked through more than half of the suitcases today and will finish them tomorrow. The suitcases are so well packed and thoughtfully put together. I'm so grateful to all the people who sponsored suitcases and put so much time and effort into them. They really are special for the children to take home with them. My parents' church sponsored 7 suitcases and it was so fun to see all the treasures in them today.

I'm not ready to say goodbye and although going through the suitcases helped to continue the process, it is still hard to believe how quickly the days are passing. Monday's drive will be here soon and I'll be saying goodbye.

I'm glad for the special day of giving them such a wonderful gift.

Day 7 - November 29

I had my exit interview with David today. Talking about the year, looking back at the highs and lows, remembering the lessons I've learned about life made the end seem so much closer. It was good to think through the year though and remember all that has happened.

I am excited for tomorrow because it is suitcase day! The children each receive a suitcase that has been sponsored by a family and they are amazing. The children are going to be so excited. I can't wait. Pictures to follow :)

Day 8 - November 28

Deborah and I taught the children a song in devotions. Last Sunday at church, the youth band sang Desert Song by Brooke Fraser and she really wanted to learn it. As we practiced the song, I realized what a good song it would be for all the children to know. The message of the song is so powerful. She did such a great job of helping to lead the song and be my helper. I'm so proud of her.

When I went up to give the boys their hugs, Alex looked at me and said, "just one more week, Auntie. That's sad." It is sad. It will be hard. They are exited to be home, but they are sad to be leaving. We all have the same feelings.

Here are the lyrics...it really is a powerful song.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger and need
My God is a God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Day 9 - November 27

I walked to the lake with Deborah and Reagan today. It was great. These two are children of my heart, the ones I've connected with in a different way than a lot of the other children.

Reagan is my boy. He's my little man, the one who still wants to hold my hand and have 30 hugs but at the same time who is dreaming of being a pastor, who willing shares with the people around him and who would rather give than receive. Reagan listened to his CD player while we walked, singing quietly to himself, simply enjoying being included.

Deborah is the firecracker, the witty young woman who knows the value of a joke and is sarcastic beyond her years. She loves to have fun and is learning where the line between fun and disrespect happens. She's blossoming into an amazing girl, who will someday do great things with her helpful nature. Today we talked about best and worst moments of tour. She shared from her heart and I shared from mine. I loved chatting with her as we walked down the road to the lake. We had an amazing chat - maybe the best one we've had since she became so attached to me and I, attached to her.

These little moments are becoming more and more precious. I am holding them close to my heart for I know that these moments will soon be over.

Time like this is made for cherishing.

Day 10 - November 26

A quiet day at Mirembe. The weather is starting to cool off, so playtime was spent indoors with a book, cuddled up with Deborah and Faith. David is here, Chelsea came back. It will be a weekend full of emotion.

I am realizing more and more that the hardest part of saying goodbye is the finality of goodbye. I am going to cease to be "auntie". Sometime ago, the children stopped saying Auntie Stacy and simply call me Auntie - unless of course there is another auntie around. I think the hardest part of turning the page is the changing of the role. When I left teaching and no one called me Miss Allan, it wasn't hard because I knew that Miss Allan would be back again someday. Auntie Stacy will always be part of me because I have my own nieces and nephew, but the context is so much different. In my everyday life for the last 15 months, I have been Auntie Stacy at all times. It will be such a swift change from Auntie Stacy to Stacy that I feel as though I'll be a little bit at a loss.

9 more days. The days are less than the number of fingers on my hands. I don't quite know how to deal with that yet. Still working through the goodbyes, until they come for one last time.

Day 11 - November 25

Happy Thanksgiving!

One year ago, Choir 35 was celebrating American Thanksgiving in Rancho Cucamonga, CA at Auntie Judy's house. This year, we are hanging out a Mirembe House and we were blessed by a wonderful family with a beautiful Thanksgiving meal. Tonight, we watched Ratatouille with the children and stayed up "late" - 1/2 hour past bedtime!

I am so thankful to have had another holiday celebration with my ACC family. It is these special days that will remain in my memory, much like our holiday from a year ago is still so vivid in my mind.

I am so thankful that I got 38 hugs (and then some) today. I'm thankful that my kids are so affectionate.

I am thankful that we had so many days at Mirembe to be together and to enjoy our time before we head back to our own countries. I know that heading back to Canada will be hard, but I'm also thankful to be going home, to be in one place for a while at least.

I'm thankful that even though there are only 10 days left, that each day, I make a few more memories, give a few more hugs, love a little more and learn a little more.

Day 12 - November 24

Hugs.

I have a rule. I always get 2 hugs at bedtime. This makes things interesting now that we have been at the base house, but I still go up to say good-night and give my hugs, even though I get hugs at the end of devotions right before bed.

The boys have given me a new rule - 4 hugs at bedtime. Well, that's a good rule. It makes things a bit chaotic, but none the less, I only have 11 days left to get these hugs. Better get them now. I love good-nights. I love how they snuggle into their beds and smile up with trust in their eyes - they know now that they are loved and beyond anything else, they will leave here knowing that they are loved by me.

I will miss all those hugs, I am cherishing each one. I will give as many hugs as I can in the next 11 days. I will store them up for those moments at home when I'm pining for those little arms to hug my waist. I will store them up for those moments when I miss my special children, these children of my heart. I will store them up until the moment I go to Uganda and Kenya and get another hug or two from these precious ones that were mine for 15 months. Those hugs will change. By the time I see them again, the hugs won't be around my waist. I won't hold their little heads in my hand. They'll be bigger, more grown up, but I'll still cherish the hug. And no matter what, they will know that they are loved.

Day 13 - November 23

Life is a dance. Up, down, side to side.

Today, I danced with Ruth. We fell over, but we got back up again. Life is about dancing, even when you don't know the steps, even when you trip on your own feet or on someone else's.

Today, I hugged Reagan about 30 times. At least 20 of them were because he hugged me. And in those hugs, we danced. He stepped on my toes. I banged his head. It probably looked like a terrible dance to the world around me, but in my mind, it was the most beautiful dance of the day - maybe the year.

Today, I danced with Deborah. Our dance wasn't one of motion, but of laughter. She makes me laugh everyday. I will miss that part of our dance.

Today, I learned a little bit more about communication. It's a dance of words. Good communication is like a beautiful waltz - flowing and gentle, with ups and downs, turns and spins, tight holds and gentle releases. Bad communication is like a sporadic tango. Jagged edges, rough movements, pushing and pulling, and ending with a conquering spirit instead of a peaceful one.

Today, I discovered that I can be strong and emotional all at the same time. Strength doesn't live in hardness, but in a softness that can be molded and formed, humbled and built up. Strength lives in a spirit that is quiet before the Lord and is at peace.

Day 14 - November 22

Day 14

Today was tough. Many things made it that way. I'm tired. Today was a day where I felt ready to go home. Today was a day where I realized that emotionally and mentally, I am tired. Today was a day where the high pressures and low pressures collided and made a tornado in my head.

Today, Eunice thought it was her birthday, but her birthday is tomorrow. That made today really funny. It is good to have at least something in a day to make you smile.

Day 15 - November 21

Day 15. The meaning of countdown has changed since I've been on tour. A countdown is when you check to make sure all of your kids are together. Now a countdown is how many days are left...

Today was the first Sunday in a long time where we got to go to church. King's Park International Church is a huge supporter of the ACC and the reason that we have a place called Mirembe House. If it wasn't for this awesome church, these last few weeks of tour would be spent in a much different way. It was amazing to be in church today and to not only worship with other believers, but to be truly challenged by the message. Pastor Jim spoke on the life of Noah and the stages of a believer's life. First, you are behind God. In the first step, you are learning to be obedient, submissive. As you move through that stage, you come to a point where God moves you from behind him to beside him, into friendship - a friendship that hears the heart of the other person. And then, you go before God as he sends you into your destiny, the place where he wants you to be.

This afternoon as I reflected on that, I was struck by the fact that in order for that relationship to happen, we must go through an element of change. Not easy change, but change that must be pushed through, worked out, and heart wrenching. As God brings us through the changes, we begin to hear his heart as he pulls us a little bit closer to his side into intimate friendship. As I shared in devotions with the children tonight, I talked about how each of us embraces change differently and as they look around at their aunties and uncles, they will see that each of us are coping with the changes we are facing in different ways. Amy, Alesha and I will be the criers, Mel will be the doer, Tony will be the one who quietly processes. It will take us all a different route to move up beside the Father, but he knows the best route and understands the way he has made us.

We had a quiet afternoon at the house. Faith and I played Scrabble - a game I am convinced she likes simply because I play it - and chatted about what is changing. When we finished our Scrabble game, we looked through some pictures and then sat on the couch for a few minutes. She said to me, "Auntie, I want to play soccer but I want to be near you". This girl knows me so well. I don't play soccer. As I sent her on her way to play some soccer, I was touched by realizing that Faith's way of coping with change is going to be quality time. Time is truly the only thing I have to give her and I will give her as much as I can.

The days continue to move by at a rapid pace. As I finished this week's schedule, I realized that I only have one more schedule to make. Time will be over before I know it.

Dear Lord, help me to move through this change the best way I know how. Give me the strength to give to these babies of mine what they need to embrace this change, too. Thank you for pulling me closer to your side as I learn to walk in submission. Amen.

Day 16 - November 20

16. Done.

Today marked the 15 month anniversary of Choir 35 on tour. Today marked the last concert of Choir 35 on tour. Two monumental moments in the same day.

The other monumental moment today was that my boy, Reagan, turned 10. The best part was that he thought his birthday was tomorrow. This morning, after breakfast, I said happy birthday and he looked at me very puzzled and said his birthday is on November 20, tomorrow. No, Reagan, today is November 20. Big smile. Auntie, it is my birthday TODAY! Auntie, I am 10 years old. Hahaha. Poor kid. Waiting for his big day and then found out it WAS his big day. He's precious.

Tears only came 1 time today, right after the concert started. The moment when Reagan let go of my hand to follow Tony to the stage. For a brief moment, I was lost. But, I pulled it together, laughed and danced my way through this last concert and survived. One more last checked off the list. How many more? I don't think I have enough paper to make the list nor can I count that high.

Day 17 - November 19

18 days to the end.

Wow.

My mind often finds its way back to the beginning and I wonder how 15 months has gone by so quickly. It has been wonderful to spend the last 3 days at our base house in North Carolina. Mirembe House. The place we longed for so many times on tour. The place we felt envy over everytime the other choirs got to go to Mirembe. House of Peace. And so it is. Amazingly peaceful. But, in the peacefulness, I find myself feeling the strain of saying good-bye. I find myself feeling the weight of letting go. I'm ready to go home, but I'm not ready to say good-bye. I'm ready to be in one place, but not ready to be in that place without my ACC family.

Today was a great day. I had a day off with Mel, Alesha and Tony. It started out with a massage (that was great even though it was painful...), lunch out at Red Robin, shopping, and more than that much laughter, good friends, and a little bit of quiet.

When we got back to the house, the best words ever were spoken. Deborah came to greet me and the first words she said were, "Auntie, where were you? I missed you", followed by a huge hug. Well, my dear girl, I missed you too. And I'm going to miss her more than I can even begin to tell her.

It's beginning. The tears without notice, the moments of lasts that I can't bear to let go of, hugs that I can't get enough of. I'm going to survive, but it's gonna take a while.

Day 18 - November 18

On July 17, 2009, I boarded a plane for Indiana to meet Choir 32. Now, on November 18, 2010, I have 18 days left until I say good-bye to Choir 35. Time has gone by so quickly. I still remember that first day of training and wondering if I would take to touring life.

I'm learning to let go, but fighting with all my being. Everything inside wants to hold on, but I know that isn't healthy. I'm trying to find balance between spending time and letting go. Not an easy place to be. I'm learning, but it is a long lesson. One that takes several weeks instead of several days. Perhaps, more like a bachelor's degree than a semester in high school.

18 more sleeps. Can I do it?

Choices

A few days ago, we drove through a city called Denton, TX. Several years ago, I applied to get my masters degree in Choral Conducting at the University of North Texas in Denton. Circumstances that happened caused me to not go, nor did I pursue any other school for a similar program. I made a choice and looking back, it all brought me to this place with the African Children's Choir. If I had done more schooling, I would have followed a path much different than this one.

Choices. Everyday we make them. Sometimes they are made for us. Sometimes we agree, other times we don't. Sometimes we have the power to change them; sometimes, no matter how much we disagree, there is no power in our opinion, no power to change the decision.

I find myself wondering how you get to the point where when a decision is made, you accept it and move on; that you don't allow yourself to become caught up in the decision that really wasn't yours to make in the first place.

One

Sitting in the quiet of a hotel room, I look over and sleeping soundly in the bed next to me are two very precious girls. As I look at them peacefully sleeping, I realize, yet again, how much I love these girls that God has placed in my care. Tonight as I hugged them goodnight, the older of the two held me tight around the neck and said how much she loved me. Then she squeezed with all her might. The younger one giggled, but didn't hold back her love either. As I tucked them in, we said our prayers and they both rolled over and in minutes, found their way to slumber. Tomorrow, when I wake them, I will get two more hugs, two more good mornings. 30 days from now, I will hug them one last time, wave as they go and cry just a little, even though I said I wouldn't. These beautiful girls...do they know how much I love them? Do they know that they will be missed? Do they know that this year with all its ups and downs has been wonderful simply because they were mine for just a little while?

Once, 10 became 12, 12 became 15, then 15 became 1.

One.

SURPRISE!!!

"Auntie, I see an African Children's Choir bus."

"AUNTIE, I SEE AN AFRICAN CHILDREN'S CHOIR BUS!!!!!!!!"

I look and look, but I don't see an African Children's Choir Bus, but wouldn't you know...the children were right. Suddenly, I could hardly contain myself. I looked at Rachel and said, "Rachel, for the truth, was there an African Children's Choir bus??" She looks at me with that little grin and I almost fall off my seat. For the truth, we are meeting Choir 37 and Rachel, Vic, Craig and David had planned this 'little' surprise for us. Now, you may be wondering why this is so wonderful, but let me tell you....meeting up with another choir doesn't happen everyday. AND when it does, it you might not know anyone else on that team. But for Choir 35, this was a reunion of mass proportions. Uncle Vic, Auntie Chelsea, Auntie Jackie and Auntie Laura all live on Village 4 and have carried the hearts of Choir 35 to Choir 37. Not to mention, Stella and Esther, our precious girls that are giving Choir 37 a hand for awhile. We go to park but there is a baseball game going on. Vic starts circling the block as Rachel follows him. I'm practically bouncing out of my seat. In my head, I'm yelling at Vic to hurry up and find a place to park.

Finally, we pull into the lot. I'm out of my seat waiting for Rachel to open the door. I see Chelsea. I can't get off the bus fast enough. I hug her for long minutes, so thankful to have my precious friend in my sights, if only for a brief moment.


Then, off the bus comes Laura. I can't hold myself back. I haven't seen my kindred spirit in over a year. This moment was so unexpected. I hug her with all my might. I have no words, just hugs.

Suddenly, I remember that there are a whole lot of other people, little people, swirling around us. Hugs from all directions, chaos ensues as Choir 35 meets Choir 37, some of them seeing other children that they went to school with or maybe knew from church. Rogers finds his cousin Bob and his best friend Joshua. He is so excited. Laura and I link arms as the children settle down. "Let's walk", we say. I'm excited to meet her kiddos, but I'm more excited to see her, to talk, to laugh, to catch up. Ah, even as I type, I'm remembering the wonderful feeling it was to have her there.

I can't think of a more beautiful surprise. I loved seeing Choir 37's bus, chatting with Vic like we used to, hearing Chelsea's laugh, watching our kids make friends with people who know just what tour is like. I couldn't be more grateful for that hour. It was a lift to my spirit, a smile to hold in my heart. These memories, they won't be forgotten.

Where does my passion lie?

What do I love? What am I passionate about? These last few days have found me thinking about what it is I want to do when tour ends. I have two months to think about it, but I'm realizing that time passes so quickly. I want to seek God now before I turn into a frantic mess at the end of tour.

I'm taking a passion inventory. I sat myself down to think of what I love the most and where I hope that will take me. I miss conducting more than I ever thought possible. I REALLY hope that in God's plan, there will be something to do with choral music. Is there a way to incorporate conducting into ministry? Should I be looking at teaching internationally? Should I look at getting my masters so that I can teach at a Bible College? Or maybe there will be a ministry that calls me to work with youth but I can conduct on the side? I have no idea - at least not about the specifics. I do know that not conducting this year has been very hard. I really do love it. Not singing this year has also been very hard. I love worship and its role of ministry. However, I don't feel the calling to be a music minister, so I think that is out.

I am passionate about education. You may not know it from the way this year has been going, but I really miss being in the classroom. My one day of teaching the children English made me realize how much I have missed using that skill. I'm guessing that finding a way to incorporate teaching will be much easier than finding a way to incorporate conducting, but if I believe that God knows my passions, then it shouldn't really be an issue.

I am passionate about fulfillment. I don't want to live a life of mediocrity. This year on the road has shown me that God's will creates a sense of fulfillment. If there is one word I rarely use on tour, it is that I'm bored. I'm not bored. Although tour has become routine, I'm not bored in that routine. There is still so much happening and God teaches me so much every day that there isn't time to be bored. I have many dreams that I pray will be fulfilled and I believe that in God's plan for me they will be.

Still so many questions, still very few answers, and yet, I think in God's time, it will happen. He will look down on me and say, "Yes, Stacy. That's what I want. Good job at listening to my voice. This won't be easy, but it will fulfill my purpose in your life."

Seek ye first the kingdom of God
And His righteousness
And all these things will be added unto you
Hallelujah

Alaska

For the last 5 weeks, we have been hanging out in Alaska. We started in Northern Alaska in Fairbanks, then spent a bit of time in the Anchorage area before heading down to Southeast Alaska. These last 5 weeks have been great. We have been blessed over and over by our churches here, always amazed by their generosity and hospitality. Our stops in Southeast Alaska included Skagway (a beautiful little town), Haines, Juneau, Sitka (Auntie Jackie's home church), and our last stop for a week in Ketchikan. We have been enjoying the ferry rides, have seen several whales and porpuses, loved the scenery, and of course enjoyed lots of together time. Here are a couple of my favourtie pictures from Alaska! Enjoy :)Rogers and I on the ferry

Peace and Priscillah playing cards

Reagan and I hanging out at the beach

Ruthie and I at a church

James holding ice from the Mendenhall Glacier

The choir at the top of Mt. Roberts in Juneau

Me at Auntie Jackie's church in Sitka

Quiet

Soothing

Rejuvenating

Enjoyable

Thought allowing

Secret telling

Peaceful

Quiet

I love the quiet. I don’t need to be in active conversation all the time with someone. I don’t need a constant noise surrounding me. I can sit in a car with someone for 30 minutes and have only brief snippets of conversation and not feel uncomfortable. Quiet is nice. Quiet tells me we aren’t feeling that awkward need for random conversation. When I feel the need to talk, it is because of the awkwardness the OTHER person seems to be feeling about the quiet. I enjoy the quiet to allow my mind time to process all that is going on around me, to think through the day, or to simply enjoy the quiet.

We are staying at Auntie Jackie's church in Sitka, AK for 5 nights (kinda uncommon to have a 5 night stay) and I have set myself up in the little nursery. When I stop to think about where I'm sleeping, it makes me laugh and a few weeks from now, I'll be missing these nursery sleeps. Anyway, I enjoy the quiet I find in the church nursery when bedtime rolls around. After the busyness of the day, I'm grateful for a place to have quiet - a few moments to let my mind rest before falling asleep, a place to wake up and let my mind begin the day in a few moments of quiet. I wonder how I'll feel when I get home and find myself surrounded by quiet. Will I still crave it just as much?

For now, I will enjoy the quiet. I will embrace the noise too, but I'll be grateful for moments of solitude - even in the church nursery.

Denial

I want to live in denial.

Surely the ending of this story isn’t coming.

Good-bye can’t really be as close as it feels.

Denial would be easiest but I have been trying to give myself doses of reality in hopes that the ending won’t be nearly as hard as I’m anticipating. There are 3 months left of tour. I can’t believe it. Soon, this life I am leading will be over and I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with myself.

Soon, I won’t have 21 hugs every morning. I won’t be wondering how to be a good parent. There won’t be moments of laughter when the children speak “Egyptian” or when we almost bounce out of our seats on the highway. I won’t be on call anymore…I wonder if I’ll sleep. The children really won’t be mine anymore since I’ll no longer be their legal guardian. I won’t laugh with Deborah, cuddle with Priscillah, play fight with Faith, chase after Reagan, dance with Grace, cook with James, sing with Ritah, joke with Charity, talk with Brian, be Rogers’ bag check…

The people that I have spent more time with in the last 12 months than anyone else in my whole life will no longer be just a bus seat away. No longer will I turn around from my seat at the front to see the people who have become my world this past year. After a year on the road, I know how things go, how we work as a team, the things that make tour life rough and the little things that restore joy. Somehow, knowing that I’ll be starting over at home makes leaving that behind that much harder.

In 3 months, this life of tour will just be a memory. Something I once did that was different than the norm. In my 30 years, this has easily been one of the best years of my life. Will there be another year like this, or 30 years from now will I look back and think this was still one of the best years of my life? One year from now, will I miss it or be glad that it is over?

Perhaps denial is better.

I wish...

I wish that life was fair.

I wish that life was balanced.

I wish that I understood the small things.

I wish that I could tell my mind to stop thinking long enough for sleep.

I wish that my children would know they are loved. By me.

I wish that I would know my children love. Love me.

I wish that the world was just a little bit smaller.

I wish that the world was just a little bit bigger.

I wish that I understood the generosity of many.

I wish that I understood the ignorance of few.

I wish that I could glimpse the future.

I wish that I could change the past.

I wish that love wasn't so elusive.

I wish that hope would be longer felt.

I wish that joy could be everlasting.

I wish that emotions could be more controlled.

I wish that I could be more understanding.

I wish that communication wasn't so demanding.

I wish that understanding wasn't so hard.

I wish that forgetting could be easier.

I wish that remembering could be longer.

I wish that endings didn't happen, but that beginnings still came.



I wish, I wish, I wish...

It's been a while...

I often sit down to write and then stare blankly at the page. It isn't that I don't have things floating around in my head to write about, it's that I don't often have the words with which to write. I read other people's blogs and wish I could be as eloquent. However, that is not to be, so instead, I sit and stare for awhile, write a few sentences, erase them and try again, erase some more and then finally just decided that today isn't the day.

Today's thoughts are a mixture of so many things - the amazing generosity of my supporters, people I love who come and go, how hard it really is to be a parent, weight issues on tour, planning the choir's schedule for our trip to Las Vegas, wondering if I'll be able to make it to Regina for my dear friend's wedding in October, thankful for the church stay that has been so refreshing, thinking about the end of tour and the next step, and the list goes on and on.

How is it even possible to put such a myriad of thoughts into one blog post? It's not, I don't think. And, when I try to separate out just one thought, it links into another thought and another and then the mess in my head becomes even more complicated.

Bah!

Home

Home is where the heart is. Is that true? Can the heart be in more than one place at the same time? Home is a debatable term, one that can hold many definitions, emotions, connections...

Having been "home" on vacation has made me miss my other "home". The bus and all the people that I currently spend every day with have become my home and yet being in Regina made me realize that I miss that home as well. I loved being with my family and friends, going to church, meeting with Pastor Dave, driving my car, but at the same time, I missed sitting on the bus squished in between two kids reading a book, laughing with Amy after sound check, hugs from Chelsea and a host of other daily routines that have become my normal life.

As we were driving away from our church this morning, I was sitting in my seat on the bus, and I turned to Vic and said that it was good to be home. Right now, at this moment of my life, Village 3 is home. It's the place that feels comfortable, right. It's the place I want to be when I curl up to read a book or when I need a moment of solitude. It is also the place where I feel surrounded by love and laughter, hopes and dreams, chaos and moments of confusion - all the emotions of life that we feel at home. A wonderful blend of growth and stability. Tour life is not perfect, but it is fulfilling, challenging, rewarding.

I'm so glad that I'm home.

Oh Canada!

Well, we have returned to the true north (strong and free) and I'm so glad to be back in Canada! Today, I used my debit card, had a lovely cup of Tim Horton's Chai tea and a honey crueller, and saw the beautiful expanse of the Southern Alberta prairies. Yes, this Canadian prairie girl is glad to be back on Canadian soil.

There are a few things I will miss about America, though. I will miss Pandora. Such a shame that I can't make my own radio station in Canada. I love Pandora. If I want to listen to Jazz, I choose my jazz station. If I want to listen to Classical, I choose my classical station. If I don't like the song, I give it a thumbs down and it never plays again. Oh, the joy.

I will also miss Target. There is something very relaxing about a casual stroll through Target that you don't really get from Wal-Mart. That, and the clothes are nicer. I have such wonderful memories of random strolls through Target with Amy. Those were good times.
I'm glad to be back in the land of Celsius, kilometres and people who don't think I pronounce "about" funny. Really people...you aren't original. I am looking forward to seeing people I love in Alberta and BC, driving through the Canadian Rockies (which, in my humble opinion are much more majestic than the US Rockies), using my Canadian cell phone, and having pretty money to spend :)

The border was so great today. We had a friendly border guard and immigration officer. We didn't have to unload every last piece of luggage and then have it scanned. The hardest part was filling out the declaration forms - and even that was a piece of cake. Oh Canada. You are good to me. I am glad to be home :)

Plans in their hearts

Every night, Harriet and I give a speech to the audience of people who come to see our choir's performance. At the end of the speech, Harriet tells the people that we would like them to meet our children by name and hear the plans that are inside their hearts and not only hear them, but believe with us that God has placed them there. The children join us on stage as she says those words and although I hear them every night, it wasn't until a few nights ago that they really hit my heart. As Faith and Brian led the choir up on stage, I looked at Faith and realized that in her heart, God has a plan. Right now, she wants to be a musician. Maybe that's what she'll be, maybe God will develop something else, something that is deeper in her heart than she realizes yet, but in her heart is a God-breathed plan, a dream. My call for this year is to help my children see that God has a plan for their lives and to give them some tools to help that dream become a reality. That realization gives me more that just a warm feeling - it gives me a purpose. God's plan for me right now is to love those children, help them to discover their potential, and give them some resources to draw from as they grow and learn. Such a remarkable challenge, but such a beautiful gift.

Tackles and Trucks

We had the best playtime today with the children. My host has a great big backyard and had all the host families over for a bbq. I played so hard, I got grass stains on my jeans and even on my elbows. It was the best kind of playtime. A lot of really soft grass, basketball nets, and a jungle gym - and nowhere for the children to go. Not once did I stop to count to see if they were all there. I just played. We wrestled, tackled and did cart wheels, played chase and trucks. I asked Reagan if he had a good time and he looked up at me with his chubby cheeks and big smile and said, "yes, Auntie. I played trucks from the start to the finish." That was almost 90 minutes of dump truck time. We don't get that very often. I think that was just what we needed. I'm even just a little bit sore from all the wrestling, but that's alright. It's a good reminder of a good day and why I need to do it more often.

Things that have become "normal"

Tonight, Amy and I watched a movie on my laptop sitting in a jacuzzi (using subtitles because the jets were too loud) at a host home (which, remember, were strangers before Sunday night...and really, still are) while we drank all natural mango juice (which by the way, gave me heartburn. That's sucks cause it's so good). Weird. Then we asked the host to take a picture. Weirder.

The funny part is - we thought it was pretty normal. That's what six months on the road will do to you.