Decisions...life altering decisions

The dreaded decision...the ball in the pit of your stomach when suddenly so many options loom before you. What if you choose wrong? Then what happens? What if knowing that you are going to make a decision that could very well alter the course of your life forever is both exciting and petrifying at the same time?

I would love to go back to school. There is nothing I love more than conducting. It brings me great joy and pleasure. It is a beautiful thing to hear the sound of a choir that really gels, that blends and creates music that entertains and moves all at the same time. I would love to study it more in depth, to truly grasp the techniques and nuances of a great conductor.

At the same time, I love to teach and have interviewed for a position that most high school music teachers would kill for. A private school gig...lots of freedom and a program that really can be developed to suit what you want to do.

So many choices...so much pressure...too many choices!

Saying Goodbye...Again

I've taught at Thom Collegiate for 3 years now...great times, wonderful students (well, sometimes), amazing friends and a huge learning curve that has prepared me for more than I thought 3 years could. I said goodbye last year when my contract ended mid-May, but spent most of May and June there still subbing. I'm saying goodbye again this year as my contract ends on the last day of school and was not renewed for another. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

My students were finally on a roll. We had worked through a lot of difficulties as a class and I had actually come to love them. We were learning, exploring, developing...but that all began to happen in the last month. I need another month, then they'll be ready for grade 10.

I love the friends that I've made and I know that I'll still see them and hang out, but things will change, regardless, because I won't be there everyday. New students will come, new friends will be made, but I'll be on the outside looking in. That's not fun.

My time at Thom has challenged me in so many ways. I've taught a million different subjects - math, English, drama, food studies, housing, information processing, choir, vocal jazz - which isn't quite a million, but it sure felt like it when I was trying to prep the new classes, working to sometimes stay just one step ahead. I've dealt with students that can be difficult and challenging; students that are working so hard to excell; fought with students to make them want to excell and even seen some results. Those are the moments when I feel so proud as a teacher. Then there are the ones you fight for and fail to see results that make you feel like you could have done so much better. So many lessons...

So I say goodbye one more time, wondering what next fall will bring, what I'll be doing, wondering if it is possible to be back there one more time, only this time, not have to say goodbye.

"Who Has Your Heart"

I'm reading a really great book by Emily Ryan called "Who Has Your Heart?". Basically, it is a book about learning to live as a single woman. I think the church has created a stigma about being single. In the secular world, people rarely ask me when I'm going to get married. They may ask me if I ever want to get married, but they rarely ask "when". If I knew when I was going to meet that special someone and get married, I'm sure that I'd be telling the world. I have discovered that so much value is placed on being married by the church. Yes, it is ordained by God and yes, it is a blessing and a gift, but if God has chosen to not have me at that place at this point in my life, then does it make me less of a person or less useful to the church and to the call of Christ? No, I don't think it does. That being said, as a single girl, I must find where my place in the church is, regardless of my marital status.

Emily made a couple of points in the last chapter that really made me stop and think. She writes about discovering your identity and the importance of realizing that who you are is who you will be...married or single. Getting married does not change your identity. She writes that often we, as women, wait until we are married to discover who we are. The question we should be asking ourselves, at this moment, is "who am I now?".

The second thing that really stuck me in this chapter was when she talked about waiting. Her writing is so candid. She's having a little conversation with God that goes something like this (pg. 52):

"God, I know I have to wait on You. I fought it for a long time, but I've accepted it now. But what do I do in the meantime?"

"Wait on Me."

"God, I got that part. Didn't you just hear me? I said that I've accepted the fact that I'm supposed to wait on You. Just tell me what to do while I'm waiting."

"Wait"

"So you want me to wait while I wait?"

"Yes"

"God, I love you, and I don't want to sound disrespectful, but that's crazy! How can I wait while I wait?"

And he just smiled (that's how I pictured it, anyway) and said again, "Just wait. You'll see soon enough what I mean."

She goes on to redefine the word "wait". To wait means to serve. So while we are waiting, we are to be serving. What a great way to discover your identity. Through service!

The last thing that really hit me in this chapter was about independence. Sometimes as a single woman, I get so caught up in my independence that I forget about the fact that I am still dependent...on God. She writes about how a single woman can become so proud of her independence that she forgets that she is in dependence on God. Independence is wavering and fragile. Living in dependence on God means there will be solid footing, a steady hold when things happen that we cannot control.

Who am I?

Who am I?

~

I'm the good girl, the strong one

Or so they all say

I'm obedient, reserved, naive

"She doesn't struggle, her faith is so strong"

How can I tell them, they've labelled me wrong?

~

Who am I?

~

I'm hurting and lonely, stuck in a rut

My heart has been broken, my hope has been cut

I wear the facade, day after day

The pain is all hidden, tucked deep down to stay

~

Who am I?

~

What would they do, if I shouted it out

That is not who I am, stop making assumptions

I'm searching, I'm hurting, confused and afraid

Can't you see that I'm drowning,

Unable to be

all that's expected of me?

~

Who am I?

The Fairy Tale

I look into his eyes and see myself reflected
I listen to his voice and hear my words accepted
My hand brushes his and I feel my heart quicken
I long for him to understand
My feelings go deeper than friend to friend affection

It's a mystery to me, why my heart chose you
How I long to make it known, to take you by the hand
But something holds me back, something I don't understand
The fear of being turned away
The fear of feeling only your rejection
What happened to the fairy tale ending

So silently I stare
Quietly I listen
Slowly I let space invade this close connection
I will let you go and you won't even know
That once upon a time you held my heart