Taking Inventory

About a month ago, I was feeling a bit down in the dumps...several incidents had happened and I really felt low about myself. I wrote a long, rambling e-mail to Janine and just poured out all that was on my heart. She wrote back to me the following words, "It is good to look at where we are at and ask ourselves if there is anything more we think we could be doing/need to be doing to improve who we are inside and out. That's ok...to ask the Lord that but to be satisfied in who He has created us to be...the things that can't change, that He doesn't want to change, that He intended to be a certain way". Man, did that hit home. I always want to change things that are unchangeable. So, I decided to take inventory of myself...characteristics I like, characteristics I wish I could change. There are certain aspects of my personality that can be very good, but that can also be detrimental. So here is the list I came up with:



1) I am very affectionate and always have been. I communicate through touch and know that. It is sometimes difficult for me to be conscious of the fact that being affectionate in this day and age is not always an option. As a teacher, I need to be very careful if I place a hand on a students shoulder or if I touch their arm as they walk away when I'm speaking with them...it can have disaterous effects.



Now giving affection doesn't seem so bad, but on the flipside, it is a problem that I crave it back. I live on my own, am a single gal...so I don't receive affection on a daily basis. This can truly be a problem for me. More on that later...



2) I am impatient! I don't like to wait. I don't like to keep others waiting, which means I am often impatient with myself. I don't pray for more patience because I assume that means that I will have more trying things placed in my life...no thanks! I figure that can be the last fruit of the Spirit I work on.



3) I'm a complainer. This is the number one thing on my list to change. I don't like being a complainer and since I've taken inventory, I've realized just how bad it has become. I have a great life, wonderful friends, a cute little house, a car that works, family who love me, and a job (even if I don't love it, at least it pays the bills, so why do I complain about it?). I am working at being thankful, because in my mind if I am thankful, then there will be no need to complain. I'm working on it...



4) I'm a peacemaker. I don't particularly like confrontation. However, I have discovered that sometimes confrontation is inevitable and really is part of the process of communication. Does this mean I want to be a fighter?? NO! It just means I need to understand that it will happen and how will I react when it does? You can't always just walk away.



5) I am loyal...I am loyal to the point that people can walk all over me and I'll not say a word. If we are friends, I will stand there and take it. I think this can go back to confrontation. I like to be at peace with the people around me, so I think that by being loyal, there will be no confrontation. It's a vicious cycle. Dictionary.com defines "loyal" as...being characterized by or showing faithfulness to. I am faithful...like a sweet puppy. How wonderful for me (please note the sarcasm...). Now, please understand, I know that loyalty is an awesome quality. I know it is part of the fabric of my being, BUT everyone has a limit and I must find mine.



6) I am talented...but I often compare my talents to others. I am beginning to recognize that the talents God gave me are to be used. If all I do is compare them to others, but I don't develop them, then they will be wasted. I'm working on this. I'm singing in a musical, which I never thought I'd do. It has been so fun and such a huge learning experience. I would say that it is one of the best memories I have made. It has been challenging, frustrating, fun, exciting...I've made great new friends, I feel like I fit in....that's super special. I'm playing piano more now than I ever have before. I am getting more confident about accompanying myself. I never thought I would do that. More on that later, too...



I will save the rest of my thoughts for another day...it is time to go to said musical! Break a leg :)