This is what I know...

Our first week of Christmas camp is drawing to a close and I've discovered some things about myself over the last few days - some good, some bad. It is interesting to be in the setting we are. We are a 10 minute drive from the edge of the nearest town, so since we have arrived at camp, we really have just been here. For the first few days, except for a few of the workers, we were out here all on our own.
So, here is what I know...

I've realized that I love familiarity. We've become comfortable in our surroundings and it is now familiar. I'm glad that we will have another week of time here to rest, do school and rehearsals, and just have a break. I've been very glad for the downtime and I think our schedule has allowed for a break for each of the chaperones without one person feeling like they bear the weight of duty.

I've realized that I am not good at play. The beginning of our break was mostly play. The children have loved it, but even they are tired! Benson came beside me today just before supper and laid his head on my shoulder. As I hugged him, I asked if he was tired. He turned his head towards me and yawned..."oh yes, Auntie. I am ready for bed!". The children have played soccer for hours, coloured, played games, wrestled and pretty much tired themselves out. I can only play for so long before I need a break. My imagination isn't made to play dolls for hours or run around a soccer field. I'm not good at it. I try to be and I think I'm getting better, but it does not come naturally to me.

I do well in change when I anticipate it, but I don't do well when it comes at me without warning. When I am given a schedule, I like it to stay that way. I don't like when the schedule changes simply due to lack of communication.

Intimate friendships are hard for me. I have thoughts to share, but I don't share them lightly. I haven't had a deep face-to-face conversation in 4 months. I've listened as part of a deep conversation, but I don't engage in it.

I like to have a purpose. I think I've done dishes after most of the meals and I enjoy it. Part of me realizes that I can be more of a Martha than a Mary and I need to work on that, but I also think that those are ways in which I show love. What I need to work at is finding a good balance of work and interaction.

I miss church. I miss my church. I miss the people that I worshiped with. I miss Pastor Dave's sermons that so often hit right where my heart needed it. We are church. This past Sunday we got to just go to church. No concert, no promotion, just church attenders. It was so great. I am glad that we will get to do it again next Sunday.

On a different note, I miss Vic. We are a different team without him. He is the emulsifier that mixes the water and oil together. I miss his perspective. I'm glad he'll be back.

Christmas was great. As I reflect back on this year, I can't believe how much has happened. 2009 was a great year and this has been a wonderful way to end.

Things I Love about Choir 35

1) Small hands catching mine.
2) The children fighting to stand beside me in devotions
3) Soccer games where all I do is run around screaming
4) Searching a field for my keys after a game of chase with Reagan
5) 23 hugs in the morning
6) Giggles
7) Laughing with Amy
8) Playing jokes on Tony
9) Shopping trips
10) Chats on the bus with Vic
11) David and Liz coming to visit
12) Host families that feel comfortable after just a few minutes
13) Chelsea's hugs
14) Priscillah's little voice calling me on the bus
15) Hearing the children pray
16) Alex asking "are you fine?"
17) Grace dancing with a huge smile on her face
18) Ritah singing Mwejje/Natamba
19) Stella's imagination
20) My home on Village 2 where it is just the chaperones and the children - no expectations, just us
21) Tony's stories in devotions that capture the children and the chaperones just the same
22) Benson's hugs that can last forever
23) My rotating bus buddies
24) Cleaning the bus with Alesha (we both take great joy in this!)
25) Little adventures that bring so much joy - like a trip to the ocean or seeing the Lights of Christmas
26) The funny little phrases that the children say and the laughs those little mix ups bring

The Need for Solitude

I have always been a person who needs to have a significant amount of alone time in order to function to the best of my ability. These last few weeks have been busy and solitude has been hard to come by. Tonight, the choir is staying together again at Auntie Judy's house, but this time it is following a concert and not a week off for Thanksgiving. I am staying at a hotel. As I was saying good-night, I found myself sad that I would be missing out on a night with everyone, but at the same time being so glad to have some time to myself. It was a strange tug-of-war going on within my heart as I remembered that there would be more together times (like in 2 sleeps) and wondering about what fun I would miss. The children are so fun to be around and often say and do the funniest things and time with just the other chaperones is good for us as a team. Knowing that I will miss out almost made me want to stay. BUT the need for some quiet won out and I am so glad it did. This evening of quiet has been wonderful for my spirit. As I sit here in the quietness of my room, I can feel myself relaxing and the tension of the day leaving. This is just what I needed.

As I was giving Alex a hug good-night, he asked where I was going. I told him that tonight I had my own room at another place. As he hugged me, he looked up and asked who would be there to protect me. What would I do if something happened and I was all by myself? The genuine concern that this 9 year old boy was showing for me brought tears to my eyes. He was so worried that his auntie wouldn't have someone there if she needed it. In the midst of all the chaos, he showed me so much love. I am so blessed.

So, tonight I sit in quiet, thankful that I have these moments to collect myself, yet missing my children. They have captured my heart.