Restless

With all that has been happening lately, my emotions have finally caught up with me and I'm finally realizing what a big part of my problem is.  I'm so restless.  I am so excited to be heading on a vacation because I just feel like I need to be on the move.  The biggest problem in my restlessness has been that I've been neglectful of my relationship with Jesus.  I'm searching everywhere but the place I should be.  I haven't been asking for direction, I've just been wandering aimlessly hoping it will drop in my lap.  In Luke it says, "Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened", but I've not been asking, so how can I receive...I've not been seeking, so how will I find?

I recently heard an Audrey Assad song called "Restless" and I was struck by it's truth.  I am restless until I rest in Christ.  He has given me this restlessness but it is my job to ask him and to seek after him for what to do with it.

To my teachers, with love...

With every year of teaching that passes, I have a new appreciation for my former teachers.  Little things that as a student never cross your mind are the "norm" for a teacher.  As I gathered up textbooks today and took them back to the book room, I realized that I have no idea where the book room is even located at Central.  It certainly wasn't something I ever thought about.  I never wondered where the books were kept or whose responsibility it was to keep track of them, organize them and put them away.  As I prepare my year-end packages for the office, I realize just how much paperwork my teachers had to do....just in case I wanted to look at the final and contest the given mark.  After spending 5 hours correcting my science final, I had to enter all the marks, post the marks, submit the marks, and then approve the marks.  Seriously.  This isn't a short process.  Then, as I spent time calling parents and tracking down students, I realized how much time my teachers spent making sure that we were kept on the right path.  We only have so much control over that and although we can't keep everyone there, it is a battle we continue to fight because we see potential in the students that we engage with everyday.

So, for all the times I didn't say thank you, I want to say it now.  My teachers may never know the impact they made on my life, but I am completely aware now of their sacrifice.  Mr. Verity would be pleased to know that I haven't ended up sitting on the corner of Caribou and that, yes, that calculus class has come in handy.  I'm thankful to Miss Brodie for being so adamant that we learn proper grammar and writing techniques because I have never used it as much as I have in these last 5 years.  I'm thankful to Mr. McKinnon for being a great conductor and for having expectations of us in rehearsals.  Those are the same expectations I have of my students.  I'm even more grateful for the countless hours he spent after school so that we could have extracurricular music groups, especially now knowing that it means he gave up countless other hours to prepare and plan all the other tasks for which a music teacher is responsible.

I've often wondered where my grade 3/4 teacher has ended up.  I wish I could give her a hug and thank her for thinking outside of the box.  Miss Bell was the greatest teacher I've ever had and I wish I could tell her.  When you're 8, you don't know it.  I know it now.  She may not have been a conventional teacher, but I learned a lot from her.  I remember so much from her class and that has made an impact on me as an adult.

So thank you.  Thank you for giving of yourselves so that I could be the person I am today.  Thank you for seeing value in me, even when I didn't see it in myself.

Storing Up Treasures

Imagine for a moment with me, will you?  Close your eyes and picture the items you treasure most in your home.  Don't be sacrificial now and say family...be realistic.  Picture those things that you can't imagine parting with.  Categorize them in your mind. 

Imagine now that everything you owned suddenly disappeared.  All around you, nothing.  Imagine the feeling that would accompany it.  Is it relief?  Sorrow?  Self pity?  Selfishness?

What would you miss the most?  Think about it.  Then ask yourself if you value those things more than you should.  Ask yourself if, when God calls you home, they will be of value to anyone else.

I spent yesterday helping my mom, my auntie, and my uncle clean out my grandpa's apartment.  As we sorted and cleaned, I realized how many treasures hold no value after we are gone.  Piles were made for garbage, for donations and for keeps.  The keep pile was a lot smaller than the other two.

And here's what I realized - I valued and loved my grandpa, but it wasn't because of what he owned.  It's because he was my grandpa.  At the end of the day, the few little mementos I kept from his place were because they reminded me of him, but in the end most of what he kept in his life held no significance for anyone.  As we carried out bags to the trash bin, I realized just how fleeting this life is and I was reminded about the verses in Matthew 6.  They say,

"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or - worse! - stolen by burglars.  Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it?  The place where your treasure is, is the place you most want to be, and end up being." (The Message)

The NIV says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". 

Someday, I will close my eyes for the final time and none of this will go with me when I leave this earth.  When I get to Heaven, what kind of treasures will I have stored there?  Will I have stored a kind word and helping hand?  Will my treasures be love and trust?  Or will I have left all my treasures behind on earth only to find out that I was storing my treasures in the wrong place.  What kind of legacy will I leave behind?  One that shows that my treasures were not of this world or one that shows I accumulated a lot of stuff.  Will I gain the whole world but lose my soul?

Don't get me wrong.  Possessions are a part of this life but they can't BE life.  I'm still learning this lesson and I'm definitely not where I want to be, but I'm conscious of it.  It is nestled in the corner of my mind, reminding me when I feel my greedy human nature surfacing, that this is not where I want to store my treasures.

Saying Goodbye

My Grandpa died today.  It happened sooner than I thought it would, but it wasn't a surprise either.  It doesn't make it any easier.  I was always Grandpa's girl and this feels like an awfully big hole in my heart.  My Grandma died when I was 12 and although it was hard, I wasn't really old enough to truly understand but now I am.

My Grandpa was a grumpy man, but in his heart he was a teddy bear.  My memories of my Grandpa are sweet.  I have pictures of me with him as a baby, sleeping on his chest.  I must have trusted him from the start.  I remember coming for a week in the summers to hang out with him and Grandma.  Those were such fun weeks and I'm pretty sure I was spoiled beyond belief.  I remember driving around in Grandpa's old cars and squishing into the back of the cruck (or an el camino as it is actually called).  One time, Grandpa and I took a road trip to Flin Flon, MB to see my auntie, uncle and cousins.  I remember we got lost coming home and somehow ended up on a dirt road outside of Regina.  He didn't think it was funny!

I always knew my Grandpa was proud of me, even when he thought I was crazy for doing what I did.  He kept my picture proudly displayed on his fridge and always said that he loved me whenever I came to visit.

It will be strange to come home and not have him here.  I will miss him.

I know my Grandpa loved me and I hope he knew how much I loved him.

My Gramps

Longing...

I wish that flying wasn't so expensive or that I was independently wealthy or that I bought lottery tickets and won a million dollars.  Then, I could hop on a plane anytime I wanted to go and see my kids.  I talked to my Kenyan kids on the phone today.  They sound so happy and full of life.  They love school and the fact that they get to go swimming. 

I talked to Deborah and I sent her a "kiss" over Skype and she just started cackling.  The laugh that I always hear in my head when I think of her.  I'm so glad I got to hear it for real.  How I miss that girl.  She told me her hair is long and that her sister had a baby and that she likes the house she lives in at school and that she came in first place in cross country.  Then she told me she misses me and loves me.  Then she asked when I was going to come to Kenya.  Someday, someday.  That was all I could tell her.  I don't know when, I just know someday.

Those children will always be in my heart.  My, how I long for a hug from them, to sit close and read a book, to hear them sing.

I'm longing for just a little bit more time with each one of them.