Hindsight is 20/20

I've been trying to figure out why my mood as been a little bit dark the past few days...and it just dawned on me.

Four years ago, my world as I knew it drastically changed. I had dated a guy for over 6 years and then out of the blue, it was over. I hadn't dated anyone before him and I haven't dated anyone since.

Looking back at that relationship, I realize that it is a good thing it ended. I do not regret that it ended, but how it ended. The relationship ended so suddenly, with no real explanation in the moment. I learned some things later on, but when it all initially came about, I was left wondering what the heck was wrong with me. The classic line of "it's not you, it's me" just didn't work. It had to be me. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, musical enough, too smart, too controlling, too decisive, too indecisive and the list goes on.

It took me a couple of years to get over it. It's funny, however, that my subconscious still remembers the dates. When our "anniversary" comes around, I always feel a bit strange, like I should be doing something and usually a few days later, it dawns on me. My subconscious remembers this date because my nephew was born a few days later.

I look back at those days before Brennan was born and realize just how much I was loved. The night that Cam and I broke up, my sister and brother-in-law drove into Regina, late at night and picked me up. My sister was due any day, my niece was 2 and already asleep, but that didn't matter. They came anyway. I stayed at my sister's house, where she, in the midst of everything, was my comfort. And then a baby was born. My wonderful nephew, who reminded me that life was still good.

That first year was tough. Somehow I made it through my internship, finished my last semester of university and got through graduation - with Cam sitting 2 seats down from me (but thankfully, not right beside). I'm still not sure if he really understood the depth of the pain. He had moved on and I was still stuck. Graduation was significant for me. It meant the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Everyone at school knew me as Cam's girlfriend, so it was a tough to find where I fit. When I graduated, I left that life behind. I had a fresh start and it was just what I needed.

That year, I started at Thom where I made new friends who only knew me as Stacy. Not Cam and Stacy - just Stacy. I needed that. I needed that time to be able to discover who I was on my own. We started dating when I was in Grade 12, so I didn't really know who I was without him.

And you know what - I'm a better person now. I know who I am, I know what I want. I know that God has a plan for my life and I trust him wholeheartedly. I didn't know that then. I trusted in Cam for my happiness and when it fell, I had to discover where happiness truly lives - in the joy of the Lord that strengthens me.