I Love Airports

I love airports - no really, I do.  I love going to pick people up and I love being the one greeted both going and coming, but that's not what makes me love them most.

I love the energy and emotion that an airport has.  It is almost tangible.  Excitement, nerves, pain, love, joy, frustration, happiness - all mixed into one place.  I love watching people at the airport - especially a large airport like Chicago or Newark (clarification - I don't like the Newark airport, but I do like people watching there). 

Airports can be so frustrating.  They are an exercise in self-control and integrity.  They can also be a place of great adventure - just think, you are getting on a plane and going thousands of kilometres and you barely have to do anything (except maybe sprint to catch a connection because you've been delayed, but that little bit of exercise never hurt anyone).  I've had my share of delays, lost luggage, cancelled planes and cranky flight attendants, but the joy that simply being at the airport brings me is worth all that - especially when you know that at the end of the flight there is a grand adventure, a wonderful friend, and a new place to explore.  I love that whether you are the passenger or the host that you contribute to the energy of the airport. 

I remember my first flight as I made my way to Quebec, barely a graduate from high school and embarking on my first adventure.  I remember coming home and crying the minute I saw my mom.  I remember the relief I felt when I arrived in Vienna and saw my checked baggage on the carousel.  I remember saying goodbye to the Aunties of Choir 35 in Washington, DC.  Our tears made the energy of that airport somber for a brief moment amidst all the bustle.  I remember Alesha picking me up the first time I went to Michigan to visit and our excitement made the airport come alive.  I remember the frustration of sitting on a plane in Chicago bound for Africa and the sorrow that came from that cancelled flight. I'm grateful for the joy of meeting a friend at home whom I hadn't seen in so long and loving the sight of her coming down the steps.  I'm glad I have the memories of meeting my grandma at the airport and her excitement to be in the freezing cold for Christmas because it meant being with us.

I can't wait for next airport adventure. It might be a long journey or a short one, but I know I'll enjoy it simply because it will be at the airport :)

An Emotional Blizzard

I wish to have a switch that I could use to turn off my emotions whenever I have need of a moments break from all the things twisting around in my head and my heart.  Emotions are a tricky part of life and lately mine have been swirling around like a cold Saskatchewan blizzard with a ferocious wind.  And just as I would like a break from the Saskatchewan cold, I would like a break from them.  The problem is that you can't jump on a plane to a tropical vacation spot to get away from them.  You have to plow through them and hope that your snow tires have enough traction to move you through the drift.

I don't know how to reign in these matters of the heart.  At what point do you finally say to yourself, enough is enough?  Is it possible to be stronger than the pull your emotions put you through to finally get to the other side? What if the problem is more so that you don't want to fight the emotion but you just want to give in to it?  Then what?  Then you've got a big problem...that's what.

Remembering

Hugs.  Butterfly kisses.  Story time.  Walks and talks. Hats. Giggles. Concerts. Bus rides. Hosties. Home. Playtime. Tears. Hard love. Starbucks. Target. New places. Dance parties. Skip Bo. Dutch Blitz. Church stays. Ferry rides. Alaska. Rest stops. eMPie. Singing.  Hotels. Devotions. Adventures. Love notes. Colouring. Movie nights. Forts. Camp. Mirembe.

It's been 3 years since my tour life came to a close.  Strange how far away yet close it feels.  I don't dwell on tour like I did when I first came home, but everyday, I look at the picture of my kids and feel a little twinge of homesickness. 

I found this the other day and realized it is the perfect description of what I feel.  My tour home is a place I cannot return, yet find myself sometimes longing for.  My kids are becoming young adults and we'll never be together again the way we were for the 15 months we spent on the bus in constant community.

I miss those months.  Not with the desire to return to another tour, but to have my ACC family back on a bus together just one more time to make just one more memory.  I wish to sit with Reagan and Benson and read a book.  I want to play one more game of Skip Bo with Esther.  I want to listen to Deborah's jokes and hear her laugh.  I want to hear Ritah and Peace singing to their CD players.  I want to talk with Faith about life and love and all things difficult.  I want to see what treasures Alex and Rogers have stuffed in their pockets and what the plan is for them.  I want to listen to Ivy and Stella's stories. I want one more drawing from Jonah.  One more time to cook with James.  One more time to dance with Ruth. One more time to walk with Grace. One more play time with Derrick. One more moment to tell Brenda I love her. One more host family with Charity who made laughs abundant.  One more talk with Brian who is so insightful. One more hug from Priscillah who always needed just one more hug. One more love note from Naomi. I want to answer all of Eunice's crazy questions. I want to hear John sing so beautifully during the concert.

There will always be a little bit of longing for the moments on the bus.  I've been off tour longer than I was on it, but the imprint left on my heart will always outlast the time, the distance and the changes.

Seasons Change

This Christmas will be 3 Christmases since my kids returned to Africa.  I can't believe it has been that long.  I just finished writing Christmas cards for them.  Seven of my babies are moving into secondary school.  Such a season of change.  They aren't babies anymore.  They are young men and women.  It is so hard to picture them as that.  When Alesha and I visited a year and a half ago, they had grown and changed so much that my mind can't even fathom how different they are now. 

I wish I could sit down with each of them and have a long chat about school, faith, life and growing up.  Kids in Africa and kids here aren't that different.  They share struggles and dreams, they have hopes for the future and problems with friends.  I'd like to shelter my kids from having to deal with the heartache, but I can't. 

So, as always, I will lift up my prayers and treasure them in my heart for my kids.  It is in these moments that I miss them the most.  It is in these moments that I miss the laughs, the conversation and most of all, their hugs. 

Faith and Stella with Uncle Tony.
Stella used to be "as tall as Uncle's leg". 

What I Wish I Could Tell Them...

Graduation is an interesting time of year.  For four (or more) years, students wait for this one day.  They plan, dream, and hope for the moment they walk across the stage to graduate from high school.  I find myself wondering if when all is said and done, they don't find it just a bit anticlimactic. 

As I sat through our graduation ceremonies today, I couldn't help but think of all the things I wish I could have told those grade 12s.  I also found myself wondering what they were thinking.  Were they regretting choices made as the scholarships were being handed out?  Were they wishing they had tried out for one more team or made the effort to join one more club?  Were they just wishing that it would all end and they could go off to some party somewhere and just leave it all behind?

I want to tell them that graduation is just one day.  It's what you do leading up to graduation that matters most.  In the grand scheme of things, high school is just four years of a long life.  What you don't realize is that the skills you acquire and the marks you earn will follow you through that long life.

I want to tell them to find their passion and to not let fear stop them from developing and pursuing it.  I want to tell them that there will always be another party and that it doesn't have to be the focus of every weekend and what you plan for through the week and if you miss one, life will go on.  I want them to know that their potential is greater than what they see because often we are so blind to our own abilities.  I want them to know that their teachers have high expectations of them because we know that with a little bit of effort, they could reach beyond their perceived limitations.  I want to tell them that we feel disappointed sometimes because we do our best to give them the tools they need, but at the end of the day it is their choice whether or not they want to use them.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying to give them the hammer to put in the nails and they are insisting on using a saw.  I want them to know that sometimes we get angry because they aren't giving themselves the respect they deserve and in turn they are being disrespectful to those around them.  I want them to understand that sometimes you won't like what you have to do, but that part of growing is knowing that even the stuff you don't like only lasts for a moment.  Do it, get it done, and move on.  It's so simple, yet so complex.  Why do you prolong the thing you want to do the least?  It won't change the outcome, at some point, you still have to do it.  I want them to know that self-control is one of the best traits you can develop.  It leads to love, compassion, understanding and when needed the ability to defend without getting angry.  I want them to look outside of themselves for a moment and see that the world around them needs a little love and compassion.  Do something for someone besides you.  Understand that it will affect you more than it will affect them.

And, when all is said and done, I want them to know that they are loved and it is because they are loved that we push, prod, correct, discipline, encourage, laugh and cry with them.

I don't want to like tomatoes

I don't like fresh tomatoes.  I never have.  I like tomato sauce, tomato soup, crushed tomatoes, ketchup and pretty much every other form of mashed up tomato, but I despise fresh tomatoes. 

Recently, I went to a luncheon and on my plate, I was surprised to see what I thought was a slice of yellow bell pepper.  I love bell peppers.  Imagine my disappointment when I flipped it over to see that it was a yellow tomato.  I offered it to my friend who was at the luncheon with me and he showed genuine surprise at my dislike of tomatoes.  Especially a yellow one.  Then he told me I have to want to like them.  I don't want to like them.

Oddly enough, I've been thinking about this conversation and the idea of wanting things.

I want to be healthy...but I want it while eating poutine and cheeseburgers.
I want to be a runner...but I want to sit on my couch and watch movies or read a book.
I want to know God's will for my life...but I don't want to have to seek for it.
I want grow in my Christian walk...but I'd rather sleep for those extra minutes.

All my wants have something attached to them.  I have decided I can't really want them that much if they are always followed by excuses.

How do I get past that?  It has to be a conscious choice - just like wanting to like tomatoes - to be different, to do different. 

So, instead of a cheeseburger, I'm learning to like salad.  Instead of a movie, I've signed up for a 10k in June.  Instead of sleeping in (this is the hardest), I'm setting my alarm a little bit earlier to have some quiet time and seek God's direction in the morning before I start my day.  They don't seem like big steps, but I'm learning that my choices affect the way I feel about life everyday.  I have to want to do them.

I don't want to like tomatoes.

Fear

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7

Fear is a funny thing.  Often it is irrationally rationalized and the end result is that paralyzing realization that you are missing out, only you've left your decision so long that there is nothing you can do about it.

Fear is what stops me from having conversations that need to be had, from taking leaps of faith, and from discovering new and wonderful things.

I find myself wondering what would happen if I applied for the jobs I'm finding in Ontario and BC and just left this place.  What am I so afraid of?  What if instead of backing down from that really hard conversation, I spoke up and learned a little bit more about who I am, what I stand for and how to graciously and lovingly share what's on my heart even if it hurts for a moment?  What if I gave people that benefit of the doubt and realized that they do truly want to know my heart?

What if I realized that the twisted feeling in my stomach would go away and my pounding heart would slow if I would just learn to step out?  It must get easier with each time you decide to let faith overpower fear.

What if I truly believed that God's plan for my life was greater than my own and that if I just stop to listen, I'd know where my next step would be planted?  What if I let go of the control I hold onto for fear of not knowing what's coming?  What kind of amazing places would I visit, how many amazing people would I meet and how much would God's grace overpower that fear that holds me back?

Please winter, go away!

Two years ago, I posted an "Ode to an April Snow Day" here.  I think I forgot that the snow lasted so long because last year spring was glorious.

A friend of mine wrote on her facebook that we should be looking for Narnia's White Witch as it seems she has taken over Saskatchewan.  We've set record snow falls this year and for the last two days have broken records for the coldest night.  Isn't that wonderful?  Oh right, no, it isn't.  But, there is a bright side...

Thank you, Eeyore, for reminding me that it could be worse.

This is what happens when it is melting and freezing at the same time and your rain gutter gets packed with ice...

The really big one finally fell off. I'm sad I didn't get his picture. His name was Frank. I broke the rest of them off today with my shovel. They'll be back tomorrow. Sigh. Please winter, go away!

Cherish the Small Things

I pulled out my book from tour today. It's filled with memories - funny things the children said, pictures, reflections from days off, funny incidents that happened - but the most cherished parts are the notes from my children. It has been more than 2 years since I finished tour and yet I can still remember those times like it just happened. I remember where the notebooks came from or the cards. I remember the host family that bought the colouring books which were coloured with care and then given to the aunties and uncles. As I read through the notes the children wrote, I couldn't help but wish that I had realized then how special they would be now. I kept almost all of them. Drawings and scripture, notes that need to be translated because they weren't very good at spelling yet, to notes that are filled with beautiful words that show me not only how much they learned, but how much they developed as people. My children wrote notes without prompting. They were always asking to draw a picture in my book. It is as though even then they realized that I would need the memory to look back on.

Tour life was not easy.  But, it was the most rewarding experience. I treasure all the little things that are stored in my memory.  I love that I have notes now from my visit to Africa.  They have grown and developed new skills, but I can still see the loving, thoughtful children they were on tour as they grow up in Kenya and Uganda.  The beautiful children that kicked the back of my seat and sometimes made me want to pull out my hair in frustration have shaped so much of who I am and it was looking back at these little keepsakes that reminded me to not take the little things for granted - but also to remember that what seems so insignificant at the time can mean so much later on.  Sometimes I forget that now that I'm home. What can I do for others that may seem insignificant but will truly be cherished?

Notes from Priscillah and Ritah

Spring is Coming?

Today is the first day of spring - on the calendar only, I think...it certainly isn't happening here anytime soon.


For instance, this is our current weather...

Ya, you read that right.  Feels like -25 C with wind gust up to 61 km/hr.  That's the best first day of spring weather!

And this is what my yard looks like...

I've only got a little path to the door because the drift is so heavy...

There is a barbeque in there somewhere...

I'm thinking it will be June before I even know there is grass underneath all that snow. Spring is coming - eventually!

Renewed on the inside

I've spent this week painting the inside of my kitchen cupboards.  They were pretty beaten up and in need of cleaning and a fresh coat of paint.  Once everything is cleaned up and neatly tucked away behind closed doors (which are also in need of some TLC), no one will know that there has been a transformation.  I'll know it's different and clean, but unless someone actually opens the cupboard doors, it will remain a hidden renovation.

Sometimes I have to chuckle when I realize how God speaks to me...really, God, through cupboards?  Just like my cupboards, I've needed some cleaning and renewing on the inside.  I've been learning so many things lately about relationships, about timing, and about trust, but it all is happening on the inside.  Eventually, like my kitchen cupboards the outward parts of me will begin to show the change, but right now, it's taking place inside my heart.  And that's good.  I need to allow God time to work in my heart, to change my focus, to grow my understanding.  It's a renovation that's just between him and me. 

I'm not an easy person to get to know.  I keep things close to my heart and share with those special few who are persistent enough to keep on trying.  Even in my home, it will be those friends who might actually see the inside of my kitchen cupboards, just like they'll see my heart.  However, what I'm learning is that part of creating relationship is allowing those doors to be open both in my home and in my heart.  It's a struggle for me, but I'm working at it. 

Let It Rain...

I love music for many of reasons, but tonight, it was for the way it washed over me like a soothing balm.  It filled an empty place and enveloped me like a soft blanket on a blizzardy day.  I went out feeling awful and came home feeling refreshed, awakened.  There is something about live music with amazing musicians that changes your perspective on life.  A God-given joy that seeps down in my soul as the music permeates through my tough skin and reaches into my heart.

It was a last minute decision to go, but I'm glad I did.  Diana Krall on Valentine's Day.  Happy Valentine's Day to me.  Here's a favourite from the show...

Willing to give it a try

I have a great friend that always has fun and sometimes wacky ideas.  I'm always a bit hesitant to say yes, but I'm always glad when I do.  It's because of her that I did my first musical.  Then we did some ballroom classes, and now, of all things, I'm taking a ballet class!  You can laugh.  It's funny.  But even better is that it's fun.

I don't know why I'm always so hesitant to try new things.  I worry too much about making a fool of myself.  The questions is why?  Who cares if I look silly while trying to do a "demi plie" or my "port de bras" isn't quite right?  That's the point of trying.  You won't learn if you don't try.

I'll probably not be the next star in "Swan Lake", but I'll get in some exercise, some laughs and maybe, just maybe learn to be a little bit graceful.  It will probably help my dancing skills for whatever musical comes my way next.

I've got to be willing to give it a try or I'll never know if I like it or don't like it.  I'll just be making assumptions.  And you know what they say about assuming things...

New ballet shoes!

Mindful

Last summer I read Bill Hybel's book Too Busy not to Pray (2008) and one line has been going through my mind ever since.  He suggested that when you end a prayer, you say, "help us to be mindful of your presence".  It hit me so hard that ever since I read that, when I end a prayer, that's what I say.

BUT, what would happen if I was mindful of God's presence all the time?  What kind of amazing and wonderful things would happen in my life if I remembered that God is with me and around me always?  His spirit dwells within us AND among us.  Psalms 139:7-12 (NIV) says:

"Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence? 
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

If I am truly mindful that there is no where I can go and be away from God's spirit, that would make my walk with Christ so different.  I would love more, I would be more conscious of my words, I would be more deliberate with my actions.  I would remember that God's spirit is not only dwelling within me, but among the places where I am, no matter how far away I feel. 

Romans 8: 38, 39 says, 
 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I cannot be separated from my God.  He is always there, always loving, always pursuing.  Nothing has the power to separate me - except maybe my own mindlessness.  I want to be mindful of the Holy Spirit in my life all the time.  I no longer want to continue following mindless pursuits, forgetting that God is in even those things that I feel have no significance.  I want my pride to find its way out so that the Holy Spirit can fill in all the areas left open.

Mindful, not mindless.  Seeking to change, ready to move, called by name.