Hindsight is 20/20

I've been trying to figure out why my mood as been a little bit dark the past few days...and it just dawned on me.

Four years ago, my world as I knew it drastically changed. I had dated a guy for over 6 years and then out of the blue, it was over. I hadn't dated anyone before him and I haven't dated anyone since.

Looking back at that relationship, I realize that it is a good thing it ended. I do not regret that it ended, but how it ended. The relationship ended so suddenly, with no real explanation in the moment. I learned some things later on, but when it all initially came about, I was left wondering what the heck was wrong with me. The classic line of "it's not you, it's me" just didn't work. It had to be me. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, musical enough, too smart, too controlling, too decisive, too indecisive and the list goes on.

It took me a couple of years to get over it. It's funny, however, that my subconscious still remembers the dates. When our "anniversary" comes around, I always feel a bit strange, like I should be doing something and usually a few days later, it dawns on me. My subconscious remembers this date because my nephew was born a few days later.

I look back at those days before Brennan was born and realize just how much I was loved. The night that Cam and I broke up, my sister and brother-in-law drove into Regina, late at night and picked me up. My sister was due any day, my niece was 2 and already asleep, but that didn't matter. They came anyway. I stayed at my sister's house, where she, in the midst of everything, was my comfort. And then a baby was born. My wonderful nephew, who reminded me that life was still good.

That first year was tough. Somehow I made it through my internship, finished my last semester of university and got through graduation - with Cam sitting 2 seats down from me (but thankfully, not right beside). I'm still not sure if he really understood the depth of the pain. He had moved on and I was still stuck. Graduation was significant for me. It meant the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Everyone at school knew me as Cam's girlfriend, so it was a tough to find where I fit. When I graduated, I left that life behind. I had a fresh start and it was just what I needed.

That year, I started at Thom where I made new friends who only knew me as Stacy. Not Cam and Stacy - just Stacy. I needed that. I needed that time to be able to discover who I was on my own. We started dating when I was in Grade 12, so I didn't really know who I was without him.

And you know what - I'm a better person now. I know who I am, I know what I want. I know that God has a plan for my life and I trust him wholeheartedly. I didn't know that then. I trusted in Cam for my happiness and when it fell, I had to discover where happiness truly lives - in the joy of the Lord that strengthens me.

Sunshine in the Rain

I love when it rains when the sun is shining. I've really been thinking about how that applies to life and have discovered that if I really look hard, even when my life is not going as I thought it should be, there is sunshine.

For the past two summers, I have had the amazing opportunity to spend some time in Romania on a mission trip. I'm not sure I can put into words how much I love the youth that I was able to meet and hang out with. This summer, I wasn't able to go (for reasons that were beyond my control - or I would have been there in a heartbeat). I missed being there so much. I missed seeing my kids and talking with them - building into their lives and showing them that God's love for them is so much bigger than my love for them could ever be. I missed being at the camp and worshipping a God who brings us together despite language and culture. I missed the church services where I could hear this cloud of prayer reaching to Heaven. I think I fell into a bit of a depression after finding out I wouldn't be able to go. The disappointment was huge - I felt as though I was in the "depths of despair" (to quote Anne Shirley from Green Gables!).

But, God gave me a balm for that disappointment. I was a conversationalist with some students from Hungary this summer - and I have grown to love them so much. I still miss my Romanian kids, but meeting the Hungarian students and getting to know them was a great blessing. Oliver, Daniel, Eszter and Laszlo have blessed me so much. I have learned a lot from them - probably more than they learned from me.

I'm praying and hoping that I will be able to go to Romania next summer. The ache to see Sammy, Damaris, Natania, Ane, Dora, Tabyta, Eunice, Emma, Mirella and Alice - to only name a few, is still so deep. The most amazing thing now though, is that maybe I can visit Hungary at the same time. I think God put these students in my life for a reason and I don't think I have discovered that reason yet.

I've discovered that sometimes we go through a season of disappointment, but at the end of it, God had a purpose. Perhaps this summer wasn't meant to be spent in Romania, but more to give me a yearning for God's purpose and to discover that the burden for the youth I met is still strong. If I had been in Romania, I would have missed out on meeting these amazing students from Hungary. A blessing in the midst of disappointment. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me eyes to see it.

The last day...

My job at Trader is finally over...and I do mean finally. This job was just not meant for me. I like schedule...car dealers apparently don't care. There were some frustrating moments. I had to laugh as I was leaving today. I cleaned out my desk and got rid of everything the next photographer wouldn't need. When I left, all I took with me was the plastic file folder and clipboard that I brought from home. This is mostly funny because when I cleaned up my desk when my job ended at Thom, I had two boxes and a rubbermaid. Now, I must admit that I spent a whole year at Thom, so I accumulated much more stuff, but I spent over 4 months at Trader and never brought anything personal to the office. I think that definitely shows where my heart was at.

I will miss some of my dealers. However, I liked to visit with them more than I like to take pictures of their cars.

I'm ready for school to start, even though I don't have a position. I don't mind subbing. I hope I get lots of days at Thom, cause then it will feel like I haven't left.

I've had a lot of part-time jobs in the last while and this one is by far the one I'll miss the least.

Affection and the Single Gal

You are going to start to notice a theme...singleness has been on my mind a while and I'm taking time to finally stop and figure things out.

There is not a doubt in my mind that my love language is touch. I am a very affectionate person. It is such a natural action for me to grasp an arm, give a hug, lean my head or any number of other affectionate gestures that sometimes I don't realize I do it.

Now, having the love language of touch is not necessarily a bad thing, but the difficult part is when you are a single girl who often can go days without anything. Not even a single handshake, let alone a hug.

I live alone, my summer job doesn't really lend itself to any sort of interaction (the cars I take pictures of don't tend to want to give me a hug...) and I start to feel deprived. As a kid, I was always the one to crawl up into my grandpa's lap for a snuggle or to hug my mom around the waist while she was cooking in the kitchen. I never grew out of that.

I will admit it is the one thing I miss most about the only romantic relationship I've ever been in. I don't regret that that relationship ended...I only miss that fact that he too was a cuddle-er. There was nothing better then curling up to watch a movie and knowing that I'd be enclosed in a hug the whole time.

This weekend I dog-sat and although the dogs are labs, they think they are lap dogs. They would curl up on the couch with me, one on either side and look at me with the sweetest eyes as though I was the best person in the whole world...in their minds, I probably was...I fed them! I started to realize that I'm looking for affection in any way...even in a dog. How sad is that??

Ah well...I think I'm gonna get myself a dog.

Content or Pleading

The other night a friend of mine was over and we were talking about being single. For the most part I am at peace with the place I am at in my life. Not for a moment did I think that I would be approaching 28 and still be single.

The question is do I remain content at the place I am or do I begin to constantly lay this hope of marriage at the feet of the Father? Do I bother him incessantly or determine to live this life until he brings that special person to my door?

The whole topic came about after one of the mission teams shared at church. They had been in the Marshall Islands and they showed a picture of a man and his wife. The man had pleaded with God to bring him a wife - and obviously he was given one.

Am I single still because I don't ask the Father often enough to bless me with a spouse? I feel as though I have so much to give and at this moment it is being stifled inside me with no where to go.

Then the next question is - as a single gal, how do you let a single guy know you are interested? Or do you not let him know and hope he'll figure it out? I've read several different Christian books on being single and there is conflicting reports. I have a boy in mind, but he is definitely clueless...do I send out a signal or do I hope he'll come to his senses?

So many questions, so few answers...

Decisions, sunny rain, and the Lord's Prayer

So many thoughts have been running through my mind for the last few weeks. AND so much has happened, changed.

I chose to not take the job at Notre Dame...what a huge life altering decision that was. I could have taken a job that would have offered stability, a steady income and a position that would have lasted as long as I wanted it too - BUT it wasn't a job that would really make me happy. I've decided that I'd rather be happy than stable. I don't know if this is wise or not, but I truly feel at peace about this decision. The other reason that I decided not to take the job was a matter of integrity. I really want to go back to school. Notre Dame is looking for someone who wants to be an intregal part of their school for the long term. I don't think I'm ready to commit that to them. The dream of going back to school feels like it might actually be a reality for me now.

In the process of making that decision, I really felt reminded of the Lord's Prayer - and one verse inparticular. Christ teaches us to pray "Give us this day our daily bread". Just this day...not this week...not this year...not the next ten years. Just today. One of the main thoughts that kept coming at me was how much money I would make if I took the job. It's true that the money would have been very nice. I could live like a princess. But the money cannot be reason enough. I am now in a position of great instability where I will be wondering from month to month if I'll be able to make it. The great joy in that is I never have to worry. I look back at the last year and see all the ways that God took care of me - on a day-to-day basis. Everyday he gave me what I needed. Not once was I left without. Now, I'm not saying that God doesn't bring us stability or want us to have it. I know that I made a decision that was God-honouring and that he will provide because of it.

In the midst of all that, my favourite weather phenomenon (well, it might not be a phenomenon) of rain when the sun is shining has happened three times in the last week! I love the smell of rain and I love when the sun is shining. It's like the best of both worlds.

I think this sunny rain is a great analogy for life. Sometimes it feels like we're living in a time of rain, but if we really take a look at life, we'll discover that amidst the rain are many rays of sunshine - if we could just focus on them, then the rain wouldn't seem so dreary. Sometimes it isn't sunny at all when the rain is pouring, but the sun always comes out eventually. The rain never stays forever. Since I've moved into my house, I've really come to love the rain. It means I don't have to water my lawn or my flowers. Mother nature does it for me.

I'm resting in the truth that God is in control - of both the rainy days and the sunny days.

Theory, Guitars, Cars and English Lessons

What do theory, guitars, cars and English lessons have in common?

Well, I am going to review my music theory and prep to write Grade 4 Royal Conservatory Harmony. I'm attempting to learn the guitar and have made that my summer goal. I will still be working at the auto trader and I'm going to be a conversationalist at the university with some students from Hungary who are learning English. That will be a lot of fun.

The life of a teacher does not mean slack summers. I need to figure out what is happening in the fall - currently I am back on the sub list. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about that. I need to decide if I want to go back to school and if I do, I need to get going on the grad applications.

Yep, no rest for the weary...