Gilbert

I love Anne of Green Gables - always have. I read the books as a little girl and own the movies. On Boxing Day, I realized how long it had been since I watched them, so I watched both the original and the sequel. I love everything about the story - the imagination, the challenges, the romance, the realness. I love Marilla and her steady, unhurried character. I love Matthew and his quiet, tender strength. I love Diana and her committed, unwavering friendship.

As I watched the movie this time, I thought about LM Montgomery and I wondered how she came up with Gilbert's character. I love Gilbert (who is played by Jonathan Crombie) and I wondered if he was modeled after Lucy's sweetheart, her dream man or if she simply knew what a woman wanted in a man. I think I know some reasons why Gilbert tends to be a favourite. First of all, he pursues Anne without smothering her. In her stubbornness, it takes her a while to figure it out, but she does eventually. He's there for her when she needs him, but also steps back when she needs her space. Secondly, he is honest with her. He doesn't let her prickles stop him from speaking his mind. His honesty might hurt, but it doesn't stop him from saying it, knowing that it is truth. Thirdly, he is willing to be alone, rather than to hurt someone else. We find out part way through, that Gilbert is engaged to Emily but he calls off the engagement when he realizes that he'll never love her the way he loves Anne. A man of integrity. Lastly, he is funny, strong, encouraging and romantic.

What's not to love? :)

Everything Changes

For every ending, there is a new beginning, but remember that with every beginning, there comes an end.

I realized that today as I thought back on the last few years of my life. Everything changes. Even the things we think remain the same, don't. If you stop to look closely, you'll see change - either for the better or the worse - but things really don't stay the same.

There is reality in the changes. For instance, I'm too old to go to the young adults group that Amy added me to in New York. I still think I'm young, but I'm not really. I'm 30. At some point in time, you go from being a young adult to simply being an adult. I saw my best friend get married in April and yesterday walked through her new home, hearing her dreams for the future. Such big changes from the girls that used to lie in bed and giggle for hours. We're not little girls anymore.

Everything changes. Even when I don't want it to, it changes. No matter how hard I try to hold on, you can't hold it back. It just makes the changes that much more difficult to accept.

And a week has passed

I feel like I'm on holidays. I feel like in a week or so, I'll board a plane, worry about crossing the border and meet back up with Village 3 to continue touring with my children and my friends. It doesn't quite feel real yet. I am in Ontario at my grams' house for a few days. It has been wonderful to be here with her, but hard to find where I fit. I've spent months visiting with strangers, but I seem to be having a hard time making normal conversation with my family. Meet a stranger at church and BAM! no problems...seriously, this is a bit ridiculous.

I feel a little bit numb. I'm waiting for my emotions and my heart to catch up with my brain. I wonder when I will begin to allow myself to grieve. So far, I haven't started yet. I've been rock solid. It is making me a bit nervous. I can do this, really, I can.

The end

Last night when I went to bed, I had 19 children. I tucked them in, gave them hugs, told them I loved them, then went down to my own room and went to bed. This morning I woke up and I had 19 children. I got them ready for the day, feed them breakfast, yelled at them to hurry up, and hugged them again. Tonight, as I get ready for bed, I have no children. I won't get 19 hugs, I won't have Derrick pulling me back for just one more, Alex won't show me his pictures from tour, Deborah won't tell me she loves me, Charity won't give me a raspberry as she gives me a hug.

I'm feeling a little bit lost. I'm not alone, but I feel a little bit secluded. I'm here in DC with Alesha, Chelsea and Amy. I'm glad to be here with them for a few days to take a few steps back from being a parent, to learning to be a friend.

It has been a hard day. Surreal and hard to comprehend. The ride on the bus today felt like any other bus ride until we got to DC and passed the airport on our way to supper. Supper was a quiet affair - my girls and I had a hard time eating and the talking was limited. The bus ride to the airport was filled with sniffles and tears from both the children and the chaps. Check in went well and we had one last devotion in the corner of the airport before we said our final goodbyes. My tears came without warning and they were impossible to stop. Each hug was savoured for a moment before the children moved on to hug the next chaperone.

And just like that, they were gone. Tour was over. Finished. Today, I became just Stacy. No more Auntie. Just Stacy.

I'm forever changed because I loved these children. I'm forever changed because these children loved me.

Day 1 - December 5

I should be packing. I should be doing a lot of things...but I'm totally unmotivated. Tonight is the last night. The children are in bed, their bags are loaded on the bus, their travel clothes are lined up neatly in the landing outside their room. My room looks like a tornado stuck. It's been the catch-all room for the last 3 weeks and now that everybody else's stuff is out, I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to deal with my stuff. Blast.

I find that my emotions today have been at a standstill. I think I'm numb, in shock really, at the reality of tomorrow. We've been on tour so long, it just doesn't seem like it can really be ending. I know that each day of tour has been leading to sending the children home, but it is a reality that doesn't truly take effect until the day of its arrival.

I had 2 shadows all day long. Faith and Deborah rarely left my side unless they were given strict instructions to do something else. I love these girls and know that God's plans for them are greater than what I could ever imagine, but a huge part of me wishes that I could at least be along for the ride. As the years pass, they'll grow and change and mature. I won't see it and when I see them again, it will be like meeting a new person. So many changes will have happened in them as it will be for all my kids. The intensity of tour is being so quickly ended that it will take me some time to figure out exactly how to live outside of tour.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I'm dreading the ride to the airport. The last few hours of time on a bus that I have called home for the last 15 months. The last few hours of time with the people I have called family. The last few hours of time with the children that I love as though they were mine. It will be a day of heartache, but I am learning that loving them was an adventure, a gift, a treasure really. It makes the heartache worth it.

Day 2 - December 4

Ode to the Found Feather Earring

You've been lost 100 times
And found 100 more
This time found beneath a shoe
Of one boy who also knew
His foot had stepped upon it
And he hid it from my eye
Then at the last moment
It appeared and I just sighed.
Welcome back, feather earring


The boys left this morning. Tears rolling down my cheeks, I said goodbye. Reagan gave me big hugs, cried the way he does and quietly walked to the car and got in. Jonah seemed ready for the adventure. He seemed excited for the plane ride. I hope that excitement continues. My heart is broken, knowing that they are close but still so far away. They have left a big hole. When I went up to their rooms this afternoon, I couldn't contain my tears. 2 empty bunks, 2 empty chairs. One more reminder of how quickly time is passing.

After the boys left, I decided that there was no point in going back to bed, so Amy and I went to finish the last of the suitcase shopping. At 6:30 in the morning, we rolled out of the driveway and hit up Walmart, Target, TJ Maxx, Payless, Old Navy, Kohl's and Ross. Somewhere in there, we went to Panera and treated ourselves to the most delicious bagel - the cinnamon crunch. Oh Panera, how I will miss you.

This afternoon it snowed - big beautiful, fluffy, wet snowflakes. Deborah, Faith and I took a lovely walk around the yard and had a chat before we got too cold. We came in and decided the children could watch some Christmas cartoons. Uncle Wallace and Auntie Pat came and made us the yummy chicken supper. It was a nice way to spend our last Saturday together.

I'm not ready for Monday. My room is a mess. The suitcases are done and ready to be loaded into the bus. There is a plan for the packing Monday morning. We are winding down as my emotions are winding up.

Strength for the next 2 days. That is all I'm asking for.

Day 3 - December 3

I stay up too late, but there are so many moments to have that I can't get myself to bed any sooner.

This day was filled with suitcases again and we almost have them complete. The last 2 arrived today and I feel so relieved to have them all here. We have a little bit of shopping, but not too much and it'll get done tomorrow.

Reagan and Jonah leave tomorrow for Choir 37. They are going to be little Choir 35 Ambassadors as they head to Nebraska to start with them for a few months. Tonight was really hard and I can't help but feel cheated of 2 days of time with these boys. They are both so special.

My Reagan is growing up so much. He is tenderhearted, but tough, loving, but fiesty. He wants 30 hugs but then teases me with lady bugs even though he knows I don't like them. His tears are genuine but he wants to show that he's strong too.

Jonah is such a character. He is developing a great sense of humour, is so helpful and is sincere in his conversation and interaction with others. He is developing leadership skills that are quite amazing for an 11 year old.

It is hard to say goodbye in bits. 2 boys tomorrow, 19 children on Monday, 4 chaps on Monday, 3 more on Friday...so many goodbyes. So many changes. So many endings.

Day 4 - December 2

I'm so tired. This week has been a wave of emotions, wrapping up, figuring out and trying to sort out the things I brought with me to Mirembe.

Today, we spent most of the day driving from store to store, looking for sizes and shoes for the children's suitcases. We needed to adjust sizes for some of the children and being the dollar conscious chaps that we are, we made good use of the tags still on the clothing to exchange and return the things that just didn't fit. It was a busy, crazy, fun, tiring, inspiring, sad, emotional, great day.

Tonight, we skyped with Vic and Choir 37. The kids thought it was really fun and they were pumped to see Uncle Vic. I sure miss him.

When I think about writing my last blog, I feel sick to my stomach. Soon, the blog will be about saying good bye.

Day 5 - December 1

December has hit and I'm finding the reality of the children leaving has really become real. The month is here. Monday is going to arrive so quickly and I'm still figuring out how to handle that.

My to-do list grows longer each minute and I seem to be adding more than I'm crossing out. We finished going through the children's suitcases today and they are awesome. The suitcase sponsor's did an amazing job of filling the suitcases and although the children don't recognize the blessing to its extent, I am amazed at how well they have been provided for.

Tonight, we watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas, had a special cake made by Amy, then had a dance party to wrap up the evening. These special times are going to be what I remember about these last few weeks. Amy and I are watching Home Alone and writing cards to our kids. Even these moments with the other chaps are special and I am enjoying the time we get to spend.

My boy Reagan has been so loving these last few days. It is hard, yet wonderful to get so many hugs from my boy. I'm storing them in my heart for another day. Days when 20 hugs won't be possible. I love that boy.